The Bible According to Kids

The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e. incorrect spelling has been left in.)

In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on in pears.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

The Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.

He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.

He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibles.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who also was a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony. which is another name for marriage.

A Christian should only have one spouse. This is called monotony.

That makes just about as much sense as the real one!

:LOL:

applekisses said:

oops!
[This message was edited Fri Nov 1 12:24:35 PST 2002 by PlastikLuvAffair]

lol.. thanks for making me

and this is funny because? eye c a dark future ahead
{{{ thanks the lord she has no kids!}}} pheeww! whatarelief!

"A Christian should only have one spouse. This is called monotony."--- couldn't agree more!! haha

IceNine said:

I knew you were going to say that...

applekisses said:

What is funny about this?

Why are some of you taking this so seriously? Man...

i thought it was funny.

mrchristian said:

Me too...I thought it was cute

applekisses said:

great avatar btw...i love Triumph(oops), the insult puppet. Did you catch the one where he roasts Andy Richter? Too funny.
[This message was edited Fri Nov 1 14:08:37 PST 2002 by mrchristian]

mrchristian said:

LOL...he is so funny I didn't see the Andy Richter one, but I'm sure it was hilarious.
One of the funniest things I've seen with him on it was the Conan O'Brien Show when Star Wars Ep I came out and he went to the theatre.

applekisses said:

"May the force...be with you...for me...to poop on."

classic!

tommyalma said:

I love him!

applekisses said:

i got this site from the Org: http://w1.322.telia.com/~...video.html (the star wars piece is there too, but i think it's been edited)

"The Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol"

2 funny LMMFAO

Those are all cute

i thought these were great