Did you hear the one about the dyslexic, ensomniac agnostic? He stayed awake all night wondering if there was really a dog.

A young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class of small children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too. Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A beautiful girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not an atheist."

Then, asks the teacher, what are you? "I'm a Christian."

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a Christian.

"Well, my Mom is a Christian, and my dad is a Christian, so I am a Christian." The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"

A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Lucy, "I'd be an atheist."

AbucahX said:

hahaha ensomniac you are funny

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

The Atheist and the Bear

An atheist was walking through the woods one day in Alaska admiring all that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees !

What a powerful river !

What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.



As he walked alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 13 foot Kodiak bear beginning to charge toward him. He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him. Somehow he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart pounding in his chest he tried to run even faster yet. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up he saw the bear reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to deliver a killing blow.



"OH MY GOD !" he pleadingly screamed.

Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
Even the powerful river stopped flowing.

A brilliant light shone upon the man and a thunderous voice came from all around,
"YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS. YOU TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON'T EXIST. YOU EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. DO YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS PREDICAMENT? AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A BELIEVER? "

Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years and under these circumstances but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian? "



"VERY WELL" said the voice.

The light went out.
The river ran.
The sounds of the forest resumed.

The huge bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed and spoke...
"Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive."

The Christian and the Atheist

There was a Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist. Everyday,
when the lady prayed, the atheist guy could hear her. He thought to
himself, "She sure is crazy, praying all the time like that. Doesn't she
know there isn't a God?"

Many times while she was praying, he would go to her house and harass her,
saying "Lady, why do you pray all the time? Don't you know there is no
God?" But she kept on praying.

One day, she ran out of groceries. As usual, she was praying to the Lord
explaining her situation and thanking Him for what He was going to do. AS

USUAL, the atheist heard her praying and thought to himself. "Humph . . .

I'll fix her." He went to the grocery store, bought a whole bunch of
groceries, took them to her house, dropped them off on the front porch,
rang the doorbell and then hid in the bushes to see what she would do.
When she opened the door and saw the groceries, she began to praise the
Lord with all her heart, jumping, singing and shouting' everywhere! The
atheist then jumped out of the bushes and told her, "You ole' crazy lady,

God didn't buy you those groceries, I bought those groceries!" Well, she
broke out and started running down the street, shouting and praising the
Lord. When he finally caught her, he asked what her problem was . . .
She said, "I knew the Lord would provide me with some groceries, but I
didn't know he was going to make the devil pay for them!"

Thecherryloon said:

What makes you think i'm a follower?

This is funny but why do athiest and unbelievers get so mad? Especially towards beleivers. Im not mad that they don't beleive.

vgallo6 said:

me neither. I'm not mad at all that they don't believe. I just think that these jokes is funny so I posted them.

Why Shit Happens:

Taoism: Shit happens.
Catholicism: Shit happens to you because you are bad.
Judaism: Why does this shit alwayshappen to us?
Atheism: No shit.
Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening.
Confucianism: Confucius says, "shit happens."
Hedonism: There is nothing like a good shit happening.
Hinduism: Thi shit happened before.
Islam: It is the the will of Allah that shit happens.
Existentialism: What is shit?
Existentialism: The burden of shit.
Existentialism: Knowing that the world is shit maks it no longer shit.
Atheism: I don't believe in shit, therefore, it can't happen to me.
Americanism: Who gives a shit?
Buddhism: If shit happens, it really isn't shit.
Seventh Day Adventist: No shit on Saturdays.
Mormonism: This shit is going to happen again.
Moonies: Only happy shit really happens.
Stoicism: This shit is good for me.
Protestantism: Let this shit happen to someone else.
Hare Krishna: Shit happens rama rama.
Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half the time.
Christian Science: Shit is in your mind.
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit.
Atheism: You're full of shit.
Computerism: Why won't this shit work.
Analism: I want to see where shit comes from.
Deism: Somthing, somewhere, created all this shit.
Reganism: I don't remember shit.
Bushism: Read my shit.
Egocentrism: I made all this shit.
Pessimism: There will be more shit.
Optimism: This shit, too, will pass.
Scientology: Do you believe this shit.
BBSism: I CNTRL-C the shit.
Communism: Everyone's shit is everyone else's shit.
Capitalism: The more you work, the more you don't have to take shit.
Realism: Life is shit.
Idealism: I can handle this shit.
Positive thinkism: Shit is what you make of it.
Predictionism: Thi shit is going to hit the fan.
Patriotism: My shit, right or wrong.
Materialism: Whoever dies with the most shit wins.
Descartes-ism: I think therefore I shit.
Universalism: "The same shit happens to everybody"
Unitarian: "What does this shit really mean anyway?"
Agnostic: "Maybe shit happens, and then again maybe it doesn't."
Paganism: Let's worship this shit.
Egocentricism: This is everybodyelse's shit.
Republicanism: If the government shits enough, it'll trickle down to everyone.
Socialism: Everyone has the right to be shit upon equally.
Metlifeism: Get shit, it pays.
Amexism: Don't leave home without shit.
Upsism: We're the quickest shit in the shiting business.
Beavis an Buttheadism: Uh..shit...huh..huh..that's cool.
Mathematics: The amount of shit is diectly proportional to the amount of food consumed.
Greedism: There can never be enough shit.
Generousism: Mi shit es su shit.
Latinism: Ecce shit!

There is some funny stuff here. Some stuff just stupid. I loved, non-prophet organization, and how atheists ain't got no one to speak to during an orgasm, lol. This one is my favorite:

"How Many Atheists Does It Take To Screw In A Light Bulb?"

Answer: All of them! ONE to screw in the light bulb and 300 million to hold back all the theists trying to stop him because they want to remain in the dark!

HAHAHAHA

vgallo6 said:

You know what realy gets me mad? The amount of people that say that athiests jump onto the defensive and get angry at believers!! what a load of crap! Theists are just as guilty at doing this. I am mad, not because of these jokes, but because of load of crap statements like this.
[This message was edited Fri Nov 1 18:29:18 PST 2002 by savoirfaire]

savoirfaire said:

i regularly see Religious zealots shouting in the streets at people.One guy in leeds (a city in England) was shouting at people going about their business "jesus this, Jesus That" til he was red in the face.

You know what he keeled over and died on the spot of a massive heart attack.

The lord does indeed work in mysterious ways.

It has been my observation that hyper-religiosity and mental illness are closely linked. While I'm not sure what that says about the average religious person, I have noticed that there appear to be very few insane atheists.

see?

vgallo6 said:

LOL, I see.