Mother's Day

My mother died when I was 6. I'm told that I was a mama's boy and that she adored me but I have only the foggiest memories of her. One of the dumbest and cruelest things my father did was to not tell my sister and I that she had died but that she was gone for awhile and that we'd see her again soon. I'm told that I used to wait by the door of my grandmother's house for her, or that I'd ask if that was my mother on the phone everytime the phone rang. I used to fall asleep, say at my grandmother's house, and wake up at an aunt's house or at the house of one my father's friends. I guess my father must've come in the night and take us to a different place each night. Don't know how long the time frame was. It could've been a few months or a whole year, I don't remember. But no one. Not my father, grandparents, aunts and uncles ever came right out and said that she was dead. One day when I was 7 or so my father took us to the cemetary and simply told us she was dead. I remember that day very clearly. And that day, that moment when I realised she was dead and realised what being dead meant made such an impression on my little boy psyche that it left permanent scars. One of the side effects of that moment, I think, is my inability to sleep more that a few hours each night. I've never been a good sleeper and naps are out of the question. For years I used to wake up in a panic and full of anxiety. Never really knowing why. A therapist suggested it probably had something to do with the whole falling asleep in one place and waking up in another. And fear of abandonment is something I've only recently over came, through a lot of hard work but I've left a nasty trail of bad relationships.

So, Mother's Day for me is a cruel reminder. I don't relate. I have a step-mother who was decent enough I guess but hugs and words of encouragement and 'l love yous' was not something she doled out to my sister and me and it was painful to see her give out that kind of affection to my step siblings. I've never had that type of intimacy. And my father, well the best way to describe him is to say that he never grew up.

I moved out when I was 17 and I have been on my own ever since. Mother's Day is such a hard holiday for me to deal with, it bothers me. All the hype and flowers and candy and everyone running around talking about how great their moms are.

Wow, guess I had to get that out. Sorry for the buzz kill.

Mother's Day

My mother died when I was 6. I'm told that I was a mama's boy and that she adored me but I have only the foggiest memories of her. One of the dumbest and cruelest things my father did was to not tell my sister and I that she had died but that she was gone for awhile and that we'd see her again soon. I'm told that I used to wait by the door of my grandmother's house for her, or that I'd ask if that was my mother on the phone everytime the phone rang. I used to fall asleep, say at my grandmother's house, and wake up at an aunt's house or at the house of one my father's friends. I guess my father must've come in the night and take us to a different place each night. Don't know how long the time frame was. It could've been a few months or a whole year, I don't remember. But no one. Not my father, grandparents, aunts and uncles ever came right out and said that she was dead. One day when I was 7 or so my father took us to the cemetary and simply told us she was dead. I remember that day very clearly. And that day, that moment when I realised she was dead and realised what being dead meant made such an impression on my little boy psyche that it left permanent scars. One of the side effects of that moment, I think, is my inability to sleep more that a few hours each night. I've never been a good sleeper and naps are out of the question. For years I used to wake up in a panic and full of anxiety. Never really knowing why. A therapist suggested it probably had something to do with the whole falling asleep in one place and waking up in another. And fear of abandonment is something I've only recently over came, through a lot of hard work but I've left a nasty trail of bad relationships.

So, Mother's Day for me is a cruel reminder. I don't relate. I have a step-mother who was decent enough I guess but hugs and words of encouragement and 'l love yous' was not something she doled out to my sister and me and it was painful to see her give out that kind of affection to my step siblings. I've never had that type of intimacy. And my father, well the best way to describe him is to say that he never grew up.

I moved out when I was 17 and I have been on my own ever since. Mother's Day is such a hard holiday for me to deal with, it bothers me. All the hype and flowers and candy and everyone running around talking about how great their moms are.

Wow, guess I had to get that out. Sorry for the buzz kill.

Mother's Day

My mother died when I was 6. I'm told that I was a mama's boy and that she adored me but I have only the foggiest memories of her. One of the dumbest and cruelest things my father did was to not tell my sister and I that she had died but that she was gone for awhile and that we'd see her again soon. I'm told that I used to wait by the door of my grandmother's house for her, or that I'd ask if that was my mother on the phone everytime the phone rang. I used to fall asleep, say at my grandmother's house, and wake up at an aunt's house or at the house of one my father's friends. I guess my father must've come in the night and take us to a different place each night. Don't know how long the time frame was. It could've been a few months or a whole year, I don't remember. But no one. Not my father, grandparents, aunts and uncles ever came right out and said that she was dead. One day when I was 7 or so my father took us to the cemetary and simply told us she was dead. I remember that day very clearly. And that day, that moment when I realised she was dead and realised what being dead meant made such an impression on my little boy psyche that it left permanent scars. One of the side effects of that moment, I think, is my inability to sleep more that a few hours each night. I've never been a good sleeper and naps are out of the question. For years I used to wake up in a panic and full of anxiety. Never really knowing why. A therapist suggested it probably had something to do with the whole falling asleep in one place and waking up in another. And fear of abandonment is something I've only recently over came, through a lot of hard work but I've left a nasty trail of bad relationships.

So, Mother's Day for me is a cruel reminder. I don't relate. I have a step-mother who was decent enough I guess but hugs and words of encouragement and 'l love yous' was not something she doled out to my sister and me and it was painful to see her give out that kind of affection to my step siblings. I've never had that type of intimacy. And my father, well the best way to describe him is to say that he never grew up.

I moved out when I was 17 and I have been on my own ever since. Mother's Day is such a hard holiday for me to deal with, it bothers me. All the hype and flowers and candy and everyone running around talking about how great their moms are.

Wow, guess I had to get that out. Sorry for the buzz kill.

TheResistor said:

Your pain is not unappreciated amid the thanksgiving here. Rather, it offers us greater context in which to be deeply grateful. I really hope relationships you've been able to form have granted you some comfort and nurturing. You're certainly worthy of it.
[Edited 5/8/08 14:09pm]

It will be 19 years this December. I was 15 and find it hard to say anthing about her, other than she was my Mom. I hate that I never knew her as an adult and now more profoundly as a father. It shaped my life and turned me into a much more agreesive and selfish individual which got me where i am today. Now i can mellow, but I often think of how my life would have been if she were still with me.

Mother's Day

My mother died when I was 6. I'm told that I was a mama's boy and that she adored me but I have only the foggiest memories of her. One of the dumbest and cruelest things my father did was to not tell my sister and I that she had died but that she was gone for awhile and that we'd see her again soon. I'm told that I used to wait by the door of my grandmother's house for her, or that I'd ask if that was my mother on the phone everytime the phone rang. I used to fall asleep, say at my grandmother's house, and wake up at an aunt's house or at the house of one my father's friends. I guess my father must've come in the night and take us to a different place each night. Don't know how long the time frame was. It could've been a few months or a whole year, I don't remember. But no one. Not my father, grandparents, aunts and uncles ever came right out and said that she was dead. One day when I was 7 or so my father took us to the cemetary and simply told us she was dead. I remember that day very clearly. And that day, that moment when I realised she was dead and realised what being dead meant made such an impression on my little boy psyche that it left permanent scars. One of the side effects of that moment, I think, is my inability to sleep more that a few hours each night. I've never been a good sleeper and naps are out of the question. For years I used to wake up in a panic and full of anxiety. Never really knowing why. A therapist suggested it probably had something to do with the whole falling asleep in one place and waking up in another. And fear of abandonment is something I've only recently over came, through a lot of hard work but I've left a nasty trail of bad relationships.

So, Mother's Day for me is a cruel reminder. I don't relate. I have a step-mother who was decent enough I guess but hugs and words of encouragement and 'l love yous' was not something she doled out to my sister and me and it was painful to see her give out that kind of affection to my step siblings. I've never had that type of intimacy. And my father, well the best way to describe him is to say that he never grew up.

I moved out when I was 17 and I have been on my own ever since. Mother's Day is such a hard holiday for me to deal with, it bothers me. All the hype and flowers and candy and everyone running around talking about how great their moms are.

Wow, guess I had to get that out. Sorry for the buzz kill.

The first mother's day after was horrible: I spent it very angry because it didn't have to be. She was only 43 years old. My mother and I were not very close but she was my friend. I have her smile.

how was it for you on that first mother's day? it's been 8 months since my mom passed, and i'm still kinda finding my way through this. tell me something about your mom that you remember most fondly.
my mom was sweet and giving and always put her children first. even at the twilight, it was about us carrying on, not grieving for her. so, mary magdalene lewis, HAPPY MOMMA'S DAY....from your son Chris

This is now my fourth Mother's Day without mom. The first mother's day, I felt like I didn't know what to do. Last year, I remembered.....HEY, I'm a mom!! I celebrate her through being a good mom to the Kid.

There are days I truly feel like a Motherless child.


Mom at 23, that damn cigarette


Mom with her other kid, Jobi. Mom was a nanny and those children lost their mom from suicide. Jobi was VERY attached to mom and was very upset with the death of another "mother". Mom had already been diagnosed with cancer in this pic, taken at Jobi's bat mitzvah.
[Edited 5/11/08 5:54am]

Happy Mothers Day Mama!

you were the greatest