I have to write this and get it off of my chest. I don't have a blog anywhere, and I know the few people I talk to in my life are sick of my complaining. I feel ashamed and embarrassed to say this. I hope no one on this board really knows me...

My husband is a drug addict and I hate him for it. He makes every day of my life miserable, sad, lonely, desperate, worrisome, full of anguish and despair. I just cannot get past it. I've been to al-anon and nar-anon, but I simply cannot cope with it.

He had dabbled in drugs and alcohol for many years as a teen and then stopped when I met him. He got saved and we got married 17 years ago. I know for a fact that he has been using crack and straight cocaine (but mostly crack) for about four years. I can look back on previous situations before that and guess now that he was probably doing it as far back as 2002, I just didn't realize it then.

He refuses to admit he has a problem. He can "stop anytime." Yet in any typical month, he wastes about $300-$500 on dope and sometimes even more. I guess he is a functioning addict. When he is not using, he is drinking. I think that he is fooling himself into thinking everything is under control. He makes good money, we pay our bills, I don't have a "party house," and he has never used drugs at our home (to my knowledge). We do family stuff, mess with our yard, fix up our house, etc. But whenever he leaves the house, I know it is to get high. For instance, if his paycheck is $1000 and I tell him I need $700 for bills, he will take the remaining $300 on Friday after work and come home hours later with nothing.

My dad, who is a recovering alcoholic and past drug user, tells me to let it go. He will quit someday. We have a nice house, good cars, the bills are paid. I should just go about my business and let him be.

But I'm going out of my mind! I used to love him so much, but drugs have ruined that. Sometimes, when things feel normal, I think that maybe the worst is over and he is going to change. But as soon as he has extra money again, he is gone.

Why don't I leave? Lots of "excuses," I guess. I'm on disability and need his money to live the same lifestyle. My medical bills run about $20,000 each month and without his good insurance, I don't know what would happen. I'm on very new cancer drugs and I don't know if state insurance would pay for the drugs which cost about $4000 every three weeks. He's not abusive and we don't really go without things. Sometimes I have to switch bills around when he's blown too much money.

The bottom line is I love my old husband, and keep praying...I mean, REALLY PRAYING that he will stop using. I've been with him half of my life. I'm just so incredibly sad and terribly lonely. I'm only 35 and my marriage sucks already. I know this sounds stupid, but when I really think I need to get the hell out of here, I get melancholy and wonder how I could ever be with somebody else, not to mention, would anyone want me? Having had a mastectomy so young and the reconstruction surgery that does not make me look "normal" at all, makes me feel very self conscious. My husband, at least, is used to me and doesn't mind. I'm still the same person, he says.

Agghh!!!! I'm just so angry!!!

I know this is long, and I don't know if anyone will read it, but I had to get this out.

Have you properly confronted him about the drug abuse? How does he take it if you complain, or doesn't he know that you know?

I am so sorry to hear that he is putting you through this.


It would be easy for any of us to tell you what we think you should do. It is a much different story to actually be in your shoes.

I hope your prayers are answered soon and he realises the damage this is causing both of you.

I am very sorry.


I wish I had the words to say to take away your pain.

do you have people close to you who you can talk to when things get out of hand? are there people close to him - family, friends, whatever - who know about his problem? you need to get a circle of support - people you can go to when you feel like his addiction is making your life unsafe and unstable, or when you feel like he's damaging himself and you don't know who to talk to about it.

once you get this circle of support, it will make it easier for you if you ever decide to confront him about his addiction and try to make him get help. plus, it's a lot harder for him to deny his problem when everyone in your family and social circle are also telling him he has a problem.

just remember, if you decide to intervene, you might have to make some really tough choices and you may not be his favorite person for a while. but as long as you keep remembering that you're doing it from a place of love and you're trying to save his life, let him hate you now because he will thank you later.

good luck. i know it's really a hard thing to deal with.

alanon.

Prayin' for y'all, sis.

You have a lot on your plate. Personally I cannot advocate "letting it go". Drug abuse, even if it's done elsewhere, is not something that contributes positively to a relationship. You are used to being comfortable in an uncomfortable situation. that is quite common. Most people cope and stay for fear of what change will bring. The unknown can often be scarier than what we know.

Bottom line, He's lying to you. If he could just quit and it wasn't a problem, he would do just that. It's not right that you would feel forced to stay because of your medical situation. Have you looked into whether or not there is anything out there to help you if you were to leave. Unfortunately we live in an extremely selfish society that makes it harder to leave because you can't get the help you need.

I can offer you the generic suggestions such as leaving, going to a shelter, seeking help with your medical situation through a philanthropic organizations but know there are hurdles that come with all of that. I can't advocte that you stay, even though on the surface it sounds like things are more or less under control. I guess I'm saying I don't know what to say If you need a shoulder to lean on to express yourself, I am here for that

My Dad was a terrible drunk, and unfortunately, my Mum could do nothing about it, no matter how hard she tried. Not even me and my brother and sister could stop him.

Unfortunately, he only stopped because of liver damage. Idiot. He still drinks a bit today (yes even with liver damage). Its not the same as crack, but my Dad just cant help but have an occasional drink. Its sad, and now he knows how sad it is.

Not really any point, but unfortunately, major bad addictions like hard drugs and drink seem impossible to stop without some sort of tragic consequence.

thesexofit said:

People quit both everyday without tragedy. It can be done and does happen. I wish this would happen here

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

i've known reformed addicts in my life, and they are strong, intelligent people. they were proof to me that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. it's very possible for her husband to get help and kick the habit. the cliche is true: he has to WANT to change...but with the right balance of support and confrontation, sternness and love, he can see the light.

I don't think that ppl realise what drugs and alcohol do to the ppl around them.

MrsMdiver said:

Almost NEVER the addicts. It's the most frustrating thing.

Also Dusty, have you brought this situation to your visits to alanon/aranon?

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

It is very frustrating. I guess it is easy for them to live in denial because they have the drugs/alcohol to escape reality.

MrsMdiver said:

There is someone in my family's life that we are basically fucking hostage to because of his drug use. After 17 years and involvement of various authorities, nothing is ever done. I hate to say it but I wish he would just overdose and do us all a favor. I know that's not the most positive thing to say on this thread but it's my experience and I am sick and tired of it already. We did help this person with a place to live and a place for his kids and he is just out of control and evil. I know how helpless one can feel with all this.
[Edited 4/28/08 16:03pm]

thesexofit said:

Of course. I confront him every single time he does it. Most of the time, he says asshole-ish stuff, like, "conversation over. You might as well go back to what you were doing" like the dishes or whatever.

We've had massive fights where I stress myself out by going to wherever he is and cussing him and all his friends out. I've turned in people I know that sell and where they sell at.

It's a strange situation and relationship. None of our neighbors know about it. From the outside, we look like just your average family. A couple of my friend's know and all of his family and mine. Everyone says stuff to him about it.

What horrible news. I'm sorry that this situation ever came about.

It's gonna sound horrible, but your security is NOT there when you're living with an addict. If he hits financial trouble, he'll sell stuff.

Secondly, my advice is to book him into a clinic, drive him up there, ask for restraint, and get him sorted the hard way.

dustysgirl said:

Yeah, sounds similar to the sort of conversations I use to hear from my Mum and Dad. Like others have said on this thread, people can beat such addictions. My Dad didn't beat it, it beat him. His Liver damge was a blesssing in disguise really. Fucking awful thing to say, but he woulda never stopped otherwise. You cannot help people who just dont want to be helped sometimes.

I know my words are not what you want to hear, but Iam just saying the sort of things I have delt with. Not always a happy ending Iam afraid.

geez louise, you sure don't deserve this.

Listen to yourself though, you talk as if no other man would have you and that he is used to you the way you are I don't believe it for a second. Contrary to popular belief there are some really good men out there, who will love you for the beautiful person that you are. Your husband would stop if he truly loves you. He assumes you will put up with it, since you won't leave him - he has it all (though not for long at this rate ).

My workmate's boyfriend was a heroin addict. They were childhood sweethearts, and had lived together over 10 years, he started using in the last couple of years. So many times I heard her pleading with him on the phone not to withdraw all their savings. He overdosed and died some months later.

I hope this thread serves as an example that we are really a mature community when it comes to stuff like this. No judgement, but advice and support. I hope you figure your way out of this dusty. It's hard but I do hope you can do it

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

Yes, that's true. I read so many silly threads on this site, and kind of wondered how people would take this. I've wanted to share for a while now, but like I said, I'm very embarrassed.

please know that you are not alone

Any helpful or constructive advice regarding your situation that I could offer has already been said on this thread.

I wish both you and your husband strength and clarity to make it through this.

Anxiety said:

That is the truth. My sister died last year of a brain hemmorage due to crack use. She was using for years - my family did what we could to get her help, but after a while anything we did was just contributing to her habit because she didn't want to stop. Then there are people who do want help and have recovered. It all depends on if he wants to quit or not. That being said, you really need to think of yourself and (if you have children) your family.
[Edited 4/28/08 19:36pm]

I'm so sorry. I have no words of advice as I have never experienced what you are going through. I can only imagine the hell you must face every day though.

Very best of positive thoughts and prayers for you and your family.

dustysgirl said:

It's horrible.

I've been there.



I pray he is one of the success stories.