I'm so sorry to hear your story!

I know just how you feel, since my brother has been battling drug addiciton for the last few years...At first the user convinces himself (and usually everyone else) that he is in control, but that is NEVER true.

As long as he is relying on that substance for satisfation, he is a slave to it.My brother had to loose all of his savings, his car, his girlfriend, and his freedom (he was arrested twice and his apartment was wrecked in a police raid) before he could see he had a problem.

Until your husband recognizes the problem, there will be no helping him...and unfortunately it often takes a tramatic event for the addict to see that there is indeed a problem.

Now my brother is saying clean for the most part. We try to do fun things together as much as possible (so he knows how loved he is, and that he can begin to enjoy the simple things again) and he gives me all of his money (after cashing his checks and paying the bills) and I keep it safe for him.

I don't know all the details of your life but I hope you and your husband can work things out and get him the help he needs before something bad happens. Also remember, that you must first take care of yourself, and if you are suffering you might consider giving him an ultimatum even.
Regardless, I'll keep you in my prayers

Sorry I don't have any words of wisdom for you, I've never been in a similar situation, but I hope everything works out for you.

I was thinking about you a few days ago, Dusty and wondering how you were doing. So sad to hear of these difficult times you are facing. The cancer must have been so physically and emotionally draining and taken all of your energy. Many of us can speak from personal experience about living with an addict but each of us has to travel our own journey. My husband and I are divorcing after nearly 37 years of marriage because he is a terrible alcholic ~ 3 DUI's and currently driving with no insurance or license. I did everything in my power to help him quit but he just cannot ~ or will not. Two wasted lives and in retrospect I should have left many years ago. You are a woman of great courage ~ even posting your story here takes a lot of strength. I wish I had more to offer. Much love and positive energy to you.

i am so sorry bout your situation.
I hope you will find a way out of this situation.
Please do not forget to take care of yourself ,too.
It is one thing to be a drug addict and do hurt your partner with your addiction, but you should never forget that it can destroy and ruin your live ,too.
And this,no one deserves.
Love
K

wommmmman!! when i saw who posted the thread topic i thought not her!! you've had your share of stresses.
not like anyone deserves to have to deal with this but my goodness you certainly don't need this.


i want to be an optimist and say with counseling to get to the root of the problem he can come out the other side.
but when you said what his response is to you it doesn't seem like he "wants" to be clean... at least where he is in his life now. and why would he? he's got everything pretty sweet. you take care of the finances and the household and he can keep functioning in his dysfunction.

not easy by any stretch. but i hope it felt a bit liberating to give voice to it here with us.

Thank you for all your kind responses! I never get to share much when I've been to nar-anon/al-anon. Too many people usurp the whole meeting with their stories.

I know I'm totally an enabler. I don't actually give him money to use, but I fix all the problems he creates.

BTW...he's already had some health problems from the drugs. When he is sick, he is DONE with that stuff, and asking me what he can do to get more healthier (duh!). But as soon as he's feeling better, it's right back to the same crap.

I could tell countless stories of the moronic stuff he's done in his quest for that high. But that's not the point. I didn't want to make this so much about him, but it was my mini-breakdown.

I don't ever do it, but I want to tell someone everything I feel, while screaming and wailing. His drug use hurts me that bad.

Rid yourself.....

Graycap23 said:

Lawd, yes. And the sooner, the better.

My sister was married to a crack addict. She denied, denied, denied - even when he got a general discharge from the service because of not being able to fulfill his obligation, even when he stole her car and went missing.

She kept telling us (her family) that everything was fine. She felt like she needed to save face because she'd married this guy without really knowing him. She was afraid of hearing, "I told you so" - when all we wanted to do was help her get free.

The one thing I will say to you is this: Don't make the mistake of thinking you can hide what's going on. Those close to you know something is wrong. Admit to yourself what is wrong - and let those who love you, help you. You want to scream and wail - do it!!! The people who care about you will scream and wail and cry with you - and then, they'll help you figure out a plan to get free.

On a practical side, you need to file for divorce. You don't have to follow through on it right away, but you need to limit your liability for his debts, his tax liability, and any damage he might cause when he's drugged out. My sister was in a financial hole for years because of her ex.

I know you love him. You need to love yourself more.

SpecialKay said:

I agree and I hope you will find a way to cope with all this .

Would seeking counselling help?

Genesia said:

This is the bottom line

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

I agree with that.

I am so very sorry for your situation. My father was an alcoholic his full adult life, he passed away of liver cancer at the age of 66. My Mom was a wonderful wife and tried her best to keep our home sane and "almost normal."
She finally gave in and became and alcoholic herself when her last child left the house (me). I as an adult always wonder why she stayed, I guess she wanted the life she was use to, a beautiful home, white picket fence, 4 kids and stability. You see my Father also was a functioning addict. He actually owned and ran his own construction business. But he came home drunk everynight. It is not a healthy environment to live in, you are just dragging yourself down, my Mom stayed because of 4 kids, then finally gave in herself. I pray that you find the strength and courage to get away from this situation.

PaisleyPark5083 said:

My father was abusive when he lived with us and my mom has said in the past that she would have stayed with him no matter what and I asked her if she really would have rather us grow up watching him beat her. As the child, wouldn't have rather there been a change even if that meant your parents split so your mom could be happy and live without the abuse? I know I am very glad my dad left because even though we did have some hard times in the beginning I'm glad that we didn't have to live our entire childhood witnessing the abuse of our mom. I've already been so affected by the abuse that happened up to the age of four. I can't even imagine the impact on my life if I was around it till I was 18.

Look after yourself, seek advice on moving on.
After what you've been though with cancer don't you think you deserve a break

you are co-dependant /get out of the car you are headed for a big crash and real danger/ stuff isnt important your soul is/ i can imagine you being lonely clear 2 the soul/ just living day 2 day

see orgnote sweetie

If I were you I would seek counseling and continue al anon/naranon. Get a sponsor and work the steps. You can't go wrong. I wish you the best in all of this.

Much good advice here. As usual Gray with few words sums it up. "RID YOURSELF." I know it sounds so easy when in fact it is not. I had an ex who went from not even drinking beer to being on crack. Two stints in rehab didn't help. I was pregnant and alone when I left him. I also lived for a while with an alcoholic. So, I know what that hell is like. It never helps if they go to rehab because YOU want them to.

You have been through a lot, and to me he is NOT showing love for you...knowing what you've been through and yet still doing what he's doing. It's selfish, dangerous, and ignorant. Also, you mentioned you'd turned in some people for drugs. That is very dangerous. You don't know if or when one of them might find out it was you. I had a girlfriend who did that, and her entire home was burned to the ground. Luckily her and her kids got out. She had to move out of state.

Having a man isn't the end-all and be-all of your life. It sounds like you are terribly lonely already, so leaving couldn't make that worse. If rehab is out of the question, and it sounds like it is from his responses to you, then leave. I know the medical bills are worrying you like crazy. Other then moving to Canada, there's only the State if it gets desperate. I know it's a bad option, but unfortunately, in America, it's either pay an arm and a leg or use government assistance.

Like Genesia said:

noimageatall said:

yep rehab works for those who are desperate and want help!