Ace said:

Good point as well. I cut ties with almost all of my dad's family when I was twelve. I have not missed their lies and deceitfulness one bit.

i haven't spoken to my father in years. when my parents divorced, my dad was around for a while, then he remarried and started up a "replacement family", and within a few years i was totally estranged from my father. the last time i actually SAW him was around 1993, at a family reunion that one of my aunts forced me to attend. i've talked to him on the phone a few times over the past couple of years - i actually had the audacity to call him and ask for support when my mother was dying, and he was about as useful as tits on a flea. when my mom died, i called to invite him to the memorial service and he said he couldn't make it because he had to work later that day and he was afraid he'd be late to work if he went to my mom's service. that pretty much sealed any desire for me wanting to fix my relationship with my dad.

the way i see it is, if you have people around you who actually give a damn about you, THAT is your family. it doesn't matter if they're blood relation or not.

Anxiety said:

Amen! I don't get some fathers. I know how you feel to reach the end of your rope. You can only reach out so many times until you realise that you cannot do it anymore. My dad has been pretty useless and full of lies most of my life. My mom does not understand why I still talk to him. I guess it is because we spent many years not talking. I guess I just know that he will not be around forever. Though I am aware that he lies and he says he is going to do a lot and I know that it will never happen. I take him for what he is and try not to let his lies hurt me anymore.
Some dad's sure do suck.

paintedlady said:

This is sooooo true, Painted. Everyone is not meant to have a relationship with their father, or mother for that matter. Sometimes you gotta do whatever it takes to maintain your own sanity and peace of mind. If your relatives, EVEN parents, aren't going to act like they've got some sense and come to the table willing to meet you halfway why should you have to subject yourself to the emotional upheaval that will no doubt ensue???

At 18 years old, I left for college and pretty much never went back home. Thank God I took my Prince albums with me. A lot of things came to light during that time, plus the hard years growing up with her, that made me decide not to deal with my mother and I pretty much haven't in the last 17 years. My father was a non-entity most of the time so I was really out there alone at 18.

But God (or something) is GOOD!!! Throughout my college years I met SOOOOO many people that became my surrogate family and watched over me as I matured and I'm lucky to have them in my life to this day. Without all the drama and disappointment that those who choose to deal with my mother and father STILL have deal with it. I'm sorry it has to be like this and sometimes I DO miss her, but overall, I'd have to say I wouldn't change a single thing. I've been blessed beyond belief with a minimum of emotional muss and fuss.

Ace said:

shanti0608 said:

i think the day will come when my dad's decisions will come back to haunt him and all of a sudden i'll get bombarded with calls and letters wanting to get back in touch with me. i just can't understand being as negligent and callous as he's been and it not coming back to bite you in the ass one day. but i'm also prepared for that moment to never happen, if for no other reason, i really just don't have the energy to wish for it anymore.

Anxiety said:

I can relate to that feeling. My mom keeps asking me when my father is going to start acting like one to me. It really upsets her that he has never stepped up to help me or support me. She has been divorced from him since I was 12 and she is still waiting for him to change.
Me on the other hand...I know he will probably never change. I learned when he did not show up to give me away when I got married the first time that I could not rely on him.
I just keep thinking that ppl like that will get what they deserve in the end. It is not up to me to punish them.

shanti0608 said:

that's exactly how i feel, too. i certainly have my feelings of resentment, but i try not to let it turn into bitterness, because i don't want to be that kind of person. if i ever hear from my father, if he ever wants to make amends and be a part of my life, i'm open to that. but i won't forget his years of thoughtlessness. if i never hear from him again, i can only carry on with an appreciation for the people who ARE in my life. my dad's decisions will catch up with him, whether i'm there to see it or not.

missmad said:

Is it a game? It doesn't sound like it.

Two things; it's never up to one person or one side of the family; there's two parties. The key to a better relation OR a better understanding (not always the same, is it?) is communication.

If you feel hurt by their silence; tell them!

On the other hand; you got to be prepared to listen to THEIR side of the story also; if you are going to tell them like it is; they surely will do too.

And the outcome might not always be what you would have liked or thought and if that happens, you just got to respect it and just let it be.

Familiy is family, and family is not always your best friend. I am very lucky to be close to two of my three siblings, yet my contact with the third is very strained due to an amassment of emotion and non-communication after my mother's passing.
It is something we will address when the time is there, which is almost never the right time, but hey, what the heck; we're family for the rest of our lives, even if my sibling decides not to want us in her life anymore.
And I will love her anyways.

My famley never calls or write,unless there sick or they need some thing.

SCNDLS said:

TY SCNDLS, and on that note, love does have a way of finding you in many forms. There are so many good people in my life that are family to me, and GOD bless my sister for still having a relationship for the man that is my father.

And Shanti is right, people that are mean to their own children usually age and die all alone. Reaping what you sow can be a hard thang if you are not careful.

paintedlady said:

I do believe in Karma and what goes around comes around.

Ace said:

Once you've been in a family, it really isn't always easy to replace it.
No-one should tolerate on-going disrespectful behaviour.

But to cleanly break away can sometimes be impossible.
I'm all for trying, though!

missmad said:

It does suck. I just had my very first experience with this and it lasted about six months. I took the high road, which by the way was hard as hell to do, and contacted him by letter. He called just before our father's birthday and I returned the call ON our dad's birthday.....and we are fine again.

I don't understand blood relatives especially sisters and brothers that don't speak to each other.....because in the end.....ALL YOU HAVE IS YOUR FAMILY!!

superkiss said:

amen. you do all you can and they never tell you why they treat you lik ish, nor why they push other relatives to do the same to you. nor do the other relatives take time out to see for themselves if what is said about you is really true. I haven't talked to my fam for like 20 something years. I don't know how I got used to it but I did. I get that nagging for help or to know what it is like to go to a family gathering, but I know I have been on my own for so long and I have to remind myself this is for the best. you can't make anyone like you, mom, dad, sister, brother. I don't understand it, but I make a point to learn to accept it and give myself the best life I can possibly have. And I DON'T fall into their traps anymore like when they want something or want to act like they like you in public around their associates and suddenly changing when no one is looking and you are thinking they have changed. No calls knowing I will never hear from them again if I show any sort of kindness.
[Edited 4/28/08 12:36pm]

SCNDLS said:

a plus on this story.

HamsterHuey said:

im not sure sometimes i feel like it is, at least with me and some people, i don't understand what u do when u apologize 4 something they think u did wrong even though u don't think it was wrong,tell them 2 take their time after uve wronged them and then they as ur leaving they tell u that theyll c u soon.