I've been thinking a lot lately about what creates a personality clash between two people.

I guess it's just the polar opposite from when two people have chemistry as friends or lovers, when people just gravitate toward each other and "click", and it's nothing really concrete that connects them, but they just know they're kindred spirits somehow.

Is there such a thing as "negative chemistry"? Can two people be perfectly fine, upstanding human beings to the world at large, yet find something in each other that is just vile and beyond acceptable?

Or are some people just assholes and it takes other people a longer amount of time to figure out why?

Personally, I think "negative chemistry" exists. I've been in the middle of too many situations where two good friends of mine hate each other, and it makes no sense to me why they couldn't get along. I think it just has to do with personality types, or "vibes" or whatnot.

Is this something that we should try to deny or overcome, or is it healthier to just acknowledge it and say "ya know what? Something about us does not mesh. Let's just agree to respectfully dislike each other and we can be friendly enemies."

What do you think?

That's my problem. I don't think.

it is good 2 discover that u don't agree with everyone, as u learn 2 acknowledge and respect others more

missmad said:

yeah, but sometimes those situations help you grow, and sometimes it's a situation where you have NO IDEA WHAT IT IS, but there's just no comfort level between you and another person. it's like oil and water. i think it goes beyond widening your horizons - i think it's more of a psychic friction (yeah, that sounded cheezy, but i couldn't think of another way of putting it ). ya know?

Some people are just arses I think. I think the best thing to do is just rise above it and make an effort with them. If they cant see that you're doing that then they really aren't worth bothering with. Does that make sense?!

I have friends who are dear to me whose issues can irk the shit out of me but there isn't anyone whom I just really can't stand to be around. I do have friends that don't like each other and I don't like it. I just choose to hang around them separately. I don't like the tension; ruins my mood. I say they should just stay away from each other

You would think that because they have you in common that they would have something in common as well but it just doesn't work out that way

Anxiety said:

I feel that if one "meshes" with everyone, they have no sense of self and no solid foundation. Conflict is part of life, denying it doesn't do anyone any good. I acknowledge it, and I can respect folks that I dont care for as long as that respect is mutual. Thus I can get along, but I dont have to mesh.

heybaby said:

i've found that inviting them both to dinner without informing the other, then telling them both to "knock it off" is not a valid solution to this problem.

Anxiety said:

i no what u mean honey yea. im really not sure what the cause of those r, maybe completely opposite end of the planets when those 2 peeps were born, no planets the same, all of them opposites, who knows.

Anxiety said:

no it is not If this isn't a hypothetical situation I would love to know who these people are because I am nosy

StillGotIt said:

i think that's a good way to go about things.

heybaby said:

ok, i'll orgnote you because i don't want to say it in the forum and hurt that schmuck imago's feelings.



oh oops

Anxiety said:

damn!

missmad said:

sometimes it could be a matter of one person reminding you subconsciously of someone who was a negative influence in an earlier part of your life? yeah, it could be a lot of things. i guess the question is less "why?" (though it's a damn good question!) and more "whatcha gonna do about it?"

Anxiety said:

right right. it is, why....., right. present and future.

i suppose 4 me: it will be c u later, not really sure.

I believe in hate at first sight (don't you, like, proofread things for a living or something like that? ) and bad vibes and negative chemistry. It happens to me all the time. But that really isn't so shocking, is it?


What I like is when you experience that and then sometime later, like weeks, months, years even, you actually come to see another side of the person and realize that neither of you is actually what you thought the other was during those initial encounters?


This happened to me most recently at work. Every time I've come here to work, there have been these two women who are inseparable, and they always walked around making snotty comments about this that and the other thing, and generally being just plain nasty bitches to everyone that worked with them or under them.

But this time things are completely different. I don't know if it's a change in me, a change in them, or if it's just something in the air, but they both seem extremely pleasant, I've gotten to know them really well, and my intial thoughts and reactions to them are completely different than what they are now.

It's nice when that happens.

i've experienced this myself. an instant dislike, or feeling of distrust or creepiness at first sight. these people i run away from or just fade away from if at all possible...

in cases where i am invested in making the relationship viable, like at work, i find that when i make an effort i can usually find something to like about the other person. imo very few people are truly evil and everyone has a few likeable qualities

I would also think there is "hate" at first site, but then again, I sometimes don't trust the reasons why we love at first site, ya know? Some people's "fatal attraction" for others has nothing to do with "love" necessarily. So hating somebody on first impressions might not be the best way to go either. However, I do think personality clashes arise out of fundamental differences
[Edited 4/12/08 8:29am]

Yes, I believe in hate at first sight second sight, third.....

Just like I met people who I fell in love with at first sight I have met people I instantly disliked and I think it was usually the same for them. The chemistry between us just wasn't right. With some I got along fine later, with some I never did.

Stymie said:

Muse2NOPharaoh said:

Stymie said:

I needed that. I so could hear your voice as i read that. I'm still laughing over here!

Muse2NOPharaoh said:

But have you ever had a friend who was close to someone you could not stand? Everyone you both knew or worked with hated her, and yet your best friend could not see what a bitch she was? And it made you step back and wonder why you were best friends with her in the first place? You go to cook-outs, even funerals together, and you have to sit away from your best friend because you will choke the life out of the "other" friend if you get near her.


And also, do you get that "hate at first sight" vibe on a message board? Without even meeting that person in RL?

noimageatall said:

God yes.

noimageatall said:

On of my closest male friends for many years had a relationship with a woman I disliked from the very first second I talked to her and it was the same for her. During the time he was together with her (I guess it must be 2 or 3 years maybe) it was very difficult to maintain the friendship. I remember a new year's eve when I didn't understand why he just didn't slap her in the face as she was ruining the evening for everyone . But the girlfriend he had had before her had never agreed in even meeting me as she was jealous of me so I was used to his women being difficult. Today he's married to a wonderful woman and all is good .

Stymie said:

How did you feel about "your" best friend? I mean, this bitchy woman was manipulative, condescending, downright hateful, phony, loud and obnoxious, thought she was cute and she looked like a man. Sometimes I would get so frustrated I would just blurt out..."WTF do you see in this bitch? How can you stand to be around her for hours at a time out shopping? Seriously, Pam...I would kill her on a road trip."

In the beginning, I tired very hard to get along with her for my friends sake. Hell, we even went out alone together when Pam got sick and we had benefit tickets. But, I am not that phony, and could not keep up the pretense.

We were all supposed to go on a cruise to Jamaica. The closer it got to our departure date, the more I knew that I would throw her overboard and be arrested for murder outside the US. I told Pam that her trip would be ruined, and I did not feel like causing tension and so I cancelled.

How would you feel about "your" friend being friends with someone who was so obviously TO YOU a phony, spiteful person? Would you look at them differently and wonder why the hell you were even friends? Or would you just chalk it up to bad chemistry?

clarification edit
[Edited 4/12/08 9:26am]

Isel said:

I truly try not to use the term "hate" for any reason, it makes me cringe if I do and I quickly correct myself.

While I do not have high tolerance for some people, I at times find it neccessary to stand back and observe for awhile. I am a very difficult person to understand, but my intentions are more often for the good. I have made my fair amount of mistakes when dealing with other people.

I don't feel good to waste time on negative energies, or contribute to negative energy toward others. I spent most of my life while growing up with this heavy load and did everything to learn a new way. I reached that point, only to step away from it several years ago and found myself falling back into that "angry" mode. One step back seems to require 100 steps forward.

I agree entirely with what Isel mentioned above... but in general I feel the Personality Clash comes from moral or fundamental differences. Good intentions and bad intentions. I can sense both and I know damn well I am very capable of bad intentions myself. I just choose to focus on the good and speak up only when it concerns me directly, due to what I believe in. More so, I believe we should model good examples and not contribute to the "hate" of our world.

I stay silent more often than not and just set forth with what I believe I need to do.

Communication (Crucial Conversations) can be key to most of our misunderstandings, not all but trying to communicate first, if you feel it is important, should be the first step in breaking the "hate" cycle. We all struggle with this on many different levels, I believe.

I never can explain myself in simple terms.

Also, I have close friends that I don't agree with all the time, we all have our own beliefs, religiously, morally. At times it could lead to productive conversation, but also it has lead to a few moments of distance because our beliefs are so different and strong. We take the time needed and in the end merge together, after a few months of time-out... and we just don't talk about these issues anymore. Live and Learn.