I guess I'll answer my own damned question seriously here.


I do not currently think I'm ugly. I would classify myself as quirky-cute. Some of you orgers have to admit you'd fuck the shit out of me... come on--it doesn't hurt to admit it

But growing up....


I grew up in a very hostile environment ... 1980's , rural , Alabama. I was half Asian and half white, and had a funny name. My father was 13 years (I think ) my mom's senior, and he looked far older than his age due to smoking, lack of exercise, and being overweight. My mother was insane, spoke broken English, and had very 'skewed' ideas of what was good looking.
I grew up believe that that Cheryl Tiegs and Robert Redford were who set the bar for what was 'good looking'. It didn't occur to me growing up that I wasn't "white". It just never did.
Though as I became a young adolescent (11 or 12) the teasing really kicked in, and I begain to realize that I was different. Now kids at that age NEVER are happy with their looks, but when you throw in racial shame on top of the general feelings of inadequacy, it's intensified.
You see, it's one thing to think your ass is too big, or your nose isn't perfect. It's quite another to think your slanted eyes makes you unworthy of affection. Throw into THAT mix a cold and often ruthless father, and a mother who you're starting to realize married into "America" and probably couldn't care less if you died or not--and you start to get a sense of just how ugly I felt And don't EVEN get me started on those ugly ass SEARS clothes I was forced to wear -- yeah, the teasing was relentless. Thank god for my minimum wage job when I turned 15

So yeah, I feel my life was compounded by a whole series of factors. I felt ugly up until the age of 20. Once I reached my 20's I had long ago discarded the notion of identifying looks with a certain racial ideal. I went through an "angry asian" phase for a few years , which didn't help much , but what it DID do was make me actually LIKE the way I looked.

I know now that I'm relatively good looking. Not sexy or FOINE as hell. But good looking enough to charm a few folks and keep the blow jobs coming.
Well... not lately, but that's been of my own choice

And I still am vain--dont get me wrong. When I look at an underwear model, there is no doubt in my mind that he is better looking than me. None whatsoever. And I admire his physic and look at the pretty people's looks with admiration--let's face it , some folks are just born to be better looking than others. But I know longer look at those folks as something that detracts from my own looks. And I never place any risidual value on their looks (I dont think cause they're good looking they'll be smarter, or more interesting, or dumber--they're just better looking.) I'm happy with my face. I'm happy with everything but my weight at the mommet, which is going down again.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you think you're ugly... maybe you just to block out the world for a moment and find what's pretty about you. You know, if I had blocked out 'Alabama' during my teenage years, I might have understood just how adorable I was.



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[Edited 4/2/08 20:32pm]

Imago said:

plus, that crotch pic was pretty hot




(oh, no, i just became one of those people. sorry Imago )

I used to fret so much about how I look, especially in my early teens with my skin. I used to try to get out of going to school quite a bit when my skin was bad. Now I just only hate my stoopid wonky-ass teeth. I've reached the point where I'm starting to not care though. I've got more important things to think about than whether I'm handsome or not. Besides, I'm married now, and I've worn down Mon sufficiently that she'd never have the energy to leave me, so I can be as jankity as I want.

Raze said:

dude, my crotch is sooooo much fun to play with!

Imago said:

OH SNAP!!!

Ok, I am going to keep this short.

I was considered a very pretty child and unfortunately ( or perhaps fortunately) it was the only attribute attached to me in those years. Well, I went through the most devastating ugly spell known to mankind! I slipped into it in 6th grade and didnt come out of it until I was 17. My siblings nickname for me was ugly. It was rough as that was the only value given me. It was so much so, when I returned to my senior year everyone remarked out loud what a shocking transformation. ( ) Not that I ever did, but I NEVER looked upon people in those terms again no matter what society preached.

...though I make light of it, it was torment. One individual in recent years felt the need to compete with me in an ugly way and it brought me back to that harsh period in my life physiologically and I did not hesitate to kick her out on her damaged backside. Hopefully she learned from it.

Now, I have an exuberant abundance of self confidence and it is because I am not fool enough to place my self worth in my looks... Sometimes they are up and sometimes they are down and I assure you, when it comes to other woman, I was screwed either way!

I may be knocked to my knees here and there but in the end, you can not defeat me because my self value is not in my appearance nor in male response.

Lastly, I have raised my daughter to not take her beautiful self to seriously and not address female lack nor male drooling and she in her phenomenal balanced self gets it.

The End


PS ... As I believe, Thank you God for the life lesson that I have carried into my 42 years.

Imago said:

I bet! And to take pictures of as well! But what's with the pants

evenstar said:

teeth
weight
height
eyesight
race

i had a hard time dealing with all the above... girls were very mean towards me growing up, and the boys saw that and well... yeah - i've never had good luck attracting guys - to this day...
..it's just something i try to live with, when i was much younger i had no doubt in my mind that i was incredibly ugly but now i'm bordering on i'm not too bad, i'm kind of alright...
i have a hugely hard time taking complements because i was always the butt end of jokes "hey sammi, you look great today.... "
yeah it's petty i know but when it would happen everyday, it really wears on your spirit...
and i think that's why i dove into art...because i still feel that pain today, and feel the only way i can be beautiful or even considered so is if i live my beauty vicariously through what i create... i don't find myself entirely attractive but somehow i'm ok with it...and i know i say things to compliment myself and people witness or read it, but it's just my way of convincing myself of it... i don't necessarily believe it right away....

sorry, rambling.
[Edited 4/2/08 21:40pm]

sammij said:

Spookymuffin said:

Imago said:

Representing 334!!! I like the difference features of other races. That's what makes us all unique. (Asian eyes are cute. I think Takeshi is super sexy!!!) Sears rocks and I met an angry asian guy a few years back. He had issues with being adopted, his body, and alabama racism as well. His issues drove him to become an alcoholic, pot smoking, compulsive gambler. I didn't know what to do for him. He was extremely, smart, talented, and cute. (I love dimples!!) I understood how he felt. I think Asians are cute. I see beauty in everyone. I mean, Bruce Lee, Jackie Chan, Donnie Chen, Takeshi Kaneshiro, Andy Lau, Rongguang Yu, Dustin Nguyen, Ernie Hudson, James Pax, Russell Wong, Jet Li, Jason Scott Lee, just to name a few.

I think I'm average looking at best...some agree, some think I'm hot, some think I'm less than average looking...

I've gotten by because of my uncanny ability to fuck like a champion...

djeezus ... I honestly can say that I'm not really confident about the way I look ... It's one of the most important things I have to work on, cuz I feel that it hampers me to get where I want to go ... If you get where I'm going.

REDFEATHERS said:

I second that emotion! She's got a smile that could reflect the sun!

Spookymuffin said:

I think you were adorable

applekisses said:

I HAVE WEIRD EYES!

Spookymuffin said:

You were already orging by then weren't you? I think your eyes are just like from reading threads in M&M. 'He had his what removed?'

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[Edited 4/3/08 16:59pm]

foxyflawedhands said:

foxyflawedhands said:

I was orging almost exactly a year after that pic was taken-- that is..posting. I was reading the org from the age of 7 under the name ecnirp.

Spookymuffin said:

I still can't get my head around orging at 7.

foxyflawedhands said:

I didn't understand 99% of what I read, really I just browsed M&M looking for pics of Prince.

Spookymuffin said:

Same as me at 19 really.

foxyflawedhands said:

and me at 17.

foxyflawedhands said:

Yeah but you know you're sexually dubious when you're doing it at 19.

When you're 7 sex is a mythical term adults use that has no meaning.

Spookymuffin said:

Oh lawd. Don't talk to me about all that. I'm pretty sure Golf is going to grow up to be a ladyboy. I nearly started a thread about it the other day. I have no idea how we should approach this.

foxyflawedhands said:

explain.
[Edited 4/3/08 19:02pm]

Spookymuffin said:

Well, he's only four, so we don't want to overreact, but he does Thai dance all the time, uses female endings to sentences and the word 'ja' all the time, meaning 'dear'. Only women really use it. He puts both legs in one side of his shorts so that he can wear a skirt. He pretends to put make-up on his face. He just spend a lot of time around females, and if he's gay or whatever as he grows up, it's cool, but should we at least steer him the direction of being more masculine? My sister in law thinks it's hilarious and even puts mascara on him, which he loves, but I think we should at least be making sure he speaks with the masculine forms and not start assuming at four that he's definitely gay and start dressing him up like a girl!!!


[Edited 4/3/08 19:11pm]

foxyflawedhands said:

he sounds so cute

don't lots of little boys go through random phases like that, though?

evenstar said:

Well exactly. I remember I was fascinated with my mum's jewelry box as a young boy and I turned out 1000% straight. But seriously, you can see how he just spends time around women a lot, and girls at school. He's only four! But, what do you do? We don't want to stop him having fun, or tell him it's wrong, but shouldn't we assume at this early stage that he's going to be straight and just try to encourage the typical masculine side of a young boy, like the games he plays, and especially the way he talks?

foxyflawedhands said:

i don't have kids, i haven't even been around them that much so i really have no clue. i'd guess that making the option to be/play more masculine, and steering his language toward being more acceptable so he doesn't get teased when he starts school couldn't hurt, maybe?