Do this 15 step program first!



Lesson 1

1. Go to the grocery store.

2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.

3. Go home.

4. Pick up the paper.

5. Read it for the last time.



Lesson 2

Before you finally go a head and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...

1. Methods of discipline.

2. Lack of patience.

3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.

4. Allowing their children to run wild.

5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breast-feeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.

Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.



Lesson 3

A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...

1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.

(Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)

2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.

3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.

4. Set the alarm for 3AM.

5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.

6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.

7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.

9. Get up. Make breakfast.

Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.



Lesson 4

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out...

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.

2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.

4. Then rub them on the clean walls.

5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.

6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons.

How does that look?



Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this - all morning.



Lesson 6

1. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a jar of paint, turn it into an alligator.

2. Now take the tube from a roll of toilet paper. Using only Scotch tape and a piece of aluminum foil, turn it into an attractive Christmas candle .

3. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty packet of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower .



Lesson 7

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.

2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.

3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.

4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.



Lesson 8

1. Get ready to go out.

2. Sit on the floor of your bathroom reading picture books for half an hour.

3. Go out the front door.

4. Come in again. Go out.

5. Come bac k in.

6. Go out again.

7. Walk down the front path.

8. Walk back up it.

9. Walk down it again.

10. Walk very slowly down the sidewalk for five minutes.

11. Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way.

12. Retrace your steps.

13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbors come out and stare at you.

14. Give up and go back into the house.

You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.



Lesson 9

Repeat everything you have learned at least (if not more than ) five times.



Lesson 10

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a preschool child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.



Lesson 11

1. Hollow out a melon.

2. Make a small hole in the side.

3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.

4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.

5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.

6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.



Lesson 12

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.



Lesson 13

Move to the tropics. Find or make a compost pile. Dig down about halfway and stick your nose in it. Do this 3-5 times a day for at least two years.



Lesson 14

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.



Lesson 15

Start talking to an adult of your choice.

Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the

'mommy' tape made from Lesson 14 above. You are now ready to have a con versation with an adult while there is a child in the room.



This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is parent will say 'it's all worth it!' Share it with your friends, both those who do and don't

have kids. I bet they'll get a chuckle out of it.

That's so why I'm not having kids.

I cant wait
[Edited 3/31/08 9:17am]

I think lesson 12 is optional but I don't have kids so I guess that would place me in lesson 2.

The list is funny but everyone does say it's worth it. So how is it worth it?


I would have a hard time getting over mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy.

no kids for me.....

Oh and the cheerio crumbs all over the car floor is totally true. I've seen it with my sister's kids.

So true!!!!!

Cute.

The only things that do not apply in my case are the ones in lesson 4 - gross things being left around the house. My son has broken a few of my things but we never have a mess in terms of food, crayons, dirt all over furniture, etc.

Mommy don't play that...and he knows.

JustErin said:

I dig my kids.... although they kinda like to piss me off...

I was the one up all night trying to get them to fall to sleep and changing their stinky butts.... how come I'm the only daddy to be posting up in here?

Thanks for posting this Mach

hokie said:

This past Friday night was rough. Lil man was sick and it was Puke City at our house. Puked twice through the night. 1st time just all over the bed, 2nd time all over everything including himself, his hair...everywhere. 4am bath time is awesome!

I'm not immune to that kinda mess...that's for sure.

none for me

JustErin said:

At least you'll know which one did it! Try lining up FOUR of them to ask, "Who put toothpaste on the ceiling???"


[Edited 3/31/08 12:32pm]

FunkMistress said:

How true!

JustErin said:

Which reminds me of the time I saw my son do something and then when I asked him about it he said, "Rocco did it".

Rocco is my dog.

My son's first real lie...and at the tender age of 2 and 1/2.

JustErin said:

Aww...

I have a cousin named Rocco!

FunkMistress said:

FOUR? Say wha? You and Kris have been busy....s l o w your roll girl!

This is funny cause it's true!

pardonme4livin said:

Two came standard with each of us. We might be, um, busy, but it will NOT be productive. Four is enough!

FunkMistress said:

Sunkist eh? All the juice but none of the seeds.....

pardonme4livin said:

A lady doesn't speak of such things.

Brilliant!

It all applies except for the smearing of food and things on the walls and couches but Its nice to know that somebody understands


somebody needs to do one for teens-when you want to ring their necks

That made my day
[Edited 3/31/08 13:31pm]

so true

CarrieMpls said:

Same here. I love my brother's kids too death, but after two hours, Uncle JJ has to get the f-ck outta there.