i'm not even sure why i'm posting this - chances are it won't get a second look.

i feel miserable today
nothing was going right
i got done what i needed to get done but i had no useful help along the way, all anyone wanted was me to help them....and they knew i had a deadline to meet, and still...somehow i managed to keep my cool
my family is suffering and i just feel like my being at school isn't helping anything...
...i should be able to help my family out and i can't... i see all these damn commercials about these kids winning the lottery and helping their parents out... my parents NEED help... they really do... and none of the SIX of us can do it? well fuck it then, i'll step up to the plate, right? oh, that's right, i'm wading up to my neck in debt... loans coming out the ass.

now i just figured out i need to go to summer school because i'm behind a credit or two - and that means i can't get into this one program that i NEED to get into (it's a residency at a gallery, my own private studio, show at the end of the year, etc)and now i have to apply for once again, MORE loans in order to do this
i need a job, hamilton and st catharines both are shitty when it comes to hiring students... minimum wage won't help me with anything... but somehow i need to accumulate some money
i'm DYING to travel.... i haven't gone away and experienced life abroad in so long... i'm trying to get to at least new york this summer with some friends, and while i know i have the money put away now, something tells me i may need it for school...

i was trying to get home this weekend just to be with my parents - no one else, just my mom and my dad... and all this bullshit just flooded me and now i can't go home.... i can't even start moving back as much as i wanted to because i have no transportation.. i called my mom and just started bawling... i can handle this, i know i can... but today i felt so weak, i wanted nothing more than to just be cradled by my mum and hushed by my daddy... and it can't even happen.

fuck - i won't even be home for or even around my birthday... the day of i had plans here, which is fine, but not even the weekend before or after will i be able to see my parents or be with them...

fucking taxman keeps bugging me... i need one more document to give him so he can file my taxes, but i told him i cant get it to him for a few weeks, as in not until mid april, and the bugger insists on calling me weekly as if i've forgotten... FACK.
ARRRRGGGHHHHH!!!! i do feel better, but i just feel so drained... i feel heavy and just... i don't know...


i guess i just needed to somehow visually manifest what was in my head... i could've just written this down in my journal... who says i still can't...right..?









can't-spell-when-sad-edit.
[Edited 3/27/08 17:07pm]

Awww that sucks . No wonder you are feeling pissed and sad. But times will get better again . You are a talented and beautiful young lady and things will go right again soon!

Serious said:

thanks luv
i do feel a bit better seeing my thoughts out there like that
they were getting so loud up there *taps head* i kinda had to let it all out...

sammij said:

It's good to let it out .

I guess I'll start with a hug.

I know I can't help U, other than to say that I've been there. Sometimes it seems like things all come at one time.
I believe U're a strong Sista, and this too, shall pass. (I know, I know, cliche. But it's true. )

Right now it seems like there is no light at the end of the tunnel, but it will all work itself out. You will come out on top!

I have to say, what a wonderful daughter you are, to want to help your parents. They did a GREAT job at raising you!

chocolate1 said:

YES.
thank you, i know i'll get through it, i guess i just kinda felt i needed to whine about it...i just kinda faltered a little...

thank you again

MoniGram said:

thanks moni
i'm just sick of my parents having to struggle and scrape by the way they have been...forever...
i want a positive change for them...
if there's nothing else i can have in this life, i want my parents to be happy...

chocolate1 said:

I wanted to say that as well, but my English wasn't good enough to find the right words .

"there is a chemical in weed called "fuckit" and if u could just get that in ur system it could change ur life"




ok ok ok my bad

sammi, everything will be ok!
Just take one day at a time try not to stress too much. U know if u need to talk, im here

sammij said:

What you just said, would make your parents proud!

DanceWme said:

steph thanks girl
i'm packing a bowl as we speak...lol
and i know it's not going to solve anything but... fuckit... hah..

MoniGram said:

lol thanks...

sammij said:

sammij said:

Wow...I went into sappy Mommy mode there.

MoniGram said:

it's all good
i know my mom would appreciate it as much as u do

sammij said:

this is what had me sweating and shaking today.. it got done, but my god i SUCK at photoshop.




the upside to this poster (the only upside) is that i got to play in paint today.

sammij said:

That's very cool!!!!

thanks
i hope the show goes better than the creation of that damn poster!


edit: i failed to mention i got a LOT of help from a good friend of mine who came in and helped me out of the blue...this was later on at the end of the day
i was cursing at the computer like no tomorrow

i hope he'll teach me his wonderful photoshop ways, my prof just emailed me saying i need to edit the dates

it's stays! its the right date! he just wants the whole show's date on it...fuckit.
[Edited 3/27/08 18:04pm]

hang in...i know you can make it through anything.

JasmineFire said:

thanks luv

I love you

I don't have much to offer other then that


want a card reading ?

Mach said:

Mach, I love you too, thank you

and i would love a card reading, please

sammij said:

I'll pull 3 for you

#1 =

Four of Pentacles
in the Conscious Mind position.

represents the conscious mind of the querent.

The Four of Pentacles reminds us not to depend on what we own for our sense of security. The pursuit of material gain alone is barren and destructive to both individuals and the larger organism of life. A culture that has survived for so long in the desert knows that the best insurance is the love and support of community. If one falls, the others will be there to support them. This true wealth can’t be hoarded. This card may represent a time when survival instincts are needed. A genuine danger to your security could be at hand, so clever stewardship of resources is important. At the same time, don’t let irrational fears of deprivation take over. You are being asked to honestly examine your relationship with money and possessions. Recognize and appreciate the forces that sustain your life. Failure to do so brings stagnation and an ironic scarcity of funds

#2

Seer of Wands
in the Subconscious Mind position.

represents the subconscious mind of the querent. Gives information on the hidden influences which effect, but are not detected by the querent

Don’t be surprised at her frankness; the Seer of Wands is not one to mince words! Her hot temper and impulsiveness will get her into all kinds of trouble. Filled with the youthful notion that she is indestructible, she can be daring to the point of danger. This spunky girl may not be practical, but her enthusiasm is worth encouraging. It will lead her to her true calling. Maturity and responsibility can come later. This Seer may represent a bold person in your life, or she may be asking you to nurture your own adventurous spirit.

#3

Three of Pentacles
in the Final Outcome position.

this card represents the final outcome or potential future events or influences.

The Three of Pentacles is the traditional card of craftspeople and other artisans. It shows someone doing what they love well enough to be supported by it. In the most general sense this card points to success in business. You are ready to take on work that honors your ideals, that creates a product both useful and beautiful, and that earns you respect and recognition in your community. Even more important than the end result, however, the Three of Pentacles speaks to the dedication and perseverance needed to master a skill or craft. Well-thought-out plans are needed; stay practical in carrying them out. This is not a card about waiting for a lucky break; be prepared for hard work! Your reward will be in seeing the beautiful results of your labor take shape in your hands.

Hang in there, Sammi. God makes a way. And, know the tough times are often necessary for the artist He created you to be.

Mach, thank you so much
much insight

ThreadBare said:

Thank u thready b