Thank God I don't have to work today. My poor dad thinks that his treatment will kill the cancer, he doesn't know that it only slows the progress of the disease.

I hate the word Cancer now, I hear it all the time, and now I understand why people fear it so much.

Find a local support group - soon

gemini13 said:

I'm so sorry to hear about this.

I guess it's not good that I'm drunk right now, is it?

I'm bitter today.

gemini13 said:

No

( though maybe understandable )

So sorry to hear this gemini....

my dad died of lung cancer when i was 10..i wish i had known in advance that he was that sick...mum kept it from me...she thought i was too young & coulnd handle it.. (i was so mad at her for many yrs aafterward)

but that is the past...i always wish i knew more about dads past...his brothers/sisters...where he was born, what his childhood was like...i wish i had talked to him more (kwim)?

Mach said:

Oh Mach, I can't describe these feelings, it's so overwhelming. You are so lucky to have your husband. I'm wallowing in self pity.

Jesus would understand, right?

sonic said:

gemini13 said:

Yes Jesus understands

I am very very blessed I know and I give thanx each day. In the months prior to Michael's surgery it was hell FUCKING HELL - surgery day and the daze in the hospital was a nightmare - waiting on the post op results was hell
the post 18 months post op recovery was hell- OMG our live was so changed and we were overwhelmed ( we still are )

and every 3 months a few days before his PSA retests is hell - there is always a tiny chance


yeah I kinda know how you feel hun and my heart goes out to you and yours

Mach said:

I'm so glad to know that someone else knows what this is like. I'm trying to be positive, but when there are four areas in the lungs that are confirmed cancer, it is so defeating.

I feel so scared for him because he thinks the hormone treatments are going to kill the cancer, and I just heard from my mother who tells me he sounded like a scared child asking the doctor if it was terminal.

I'm angry because my mom begged him to find out what was wrong with him last summer when he started acting differently. Right around my birthday in June, which makes me feel even worse.

gemini13 said:

there's no need for that
trust, if he had grown very sick without knowing what it was firsthand, i'm sure you would've been far more hurt, confused and angry wishing he had been checked out earlier...

you're going through the motions, and while i don't understand completely (not having been through the same), i care, and hope you get through this

I have my Mom now and I will get back to this in a while when she is gone

try to relax and do something positive for yourself and your family


Mach

He sounds like such an amazing man. Try to let him know all that he has meant to you ~ say the things you've always wanted to say and keep him close. 50 years in marriage ~ that is incredible. Such a sad time for you and your family.

I'm so sorry sweety.

This is the time for the family to come together. You all need to spend some quality time together.

some thoughts... take them or leave them

i've not had to face this yet (at least not as an adult) but it scares the daylights out of me so i certainly don't mean to infer that i am at all rational about this. however as fury said, our parents are supposed to leave us at some point. and in turn we will leave our children. every one of us. it's something we have no control over. and that is scary. the reality is something could happen at any moment to any one of us. blink. gone. knowing that and living that are two different things. i could say all the things i mean to say to my parents but i don't. i could ask all i mean to ask about them but i haven't.

i went to a funeral a while ago for a neighbor of mine growing up. i hadn't seen her for years and yet could not stop crying. in my head i know i was equating her mortality with my parents'. i admire those people that can stand up there and smile sharing stories about their loved one. i'm not one of those people. i need to cry. i need to be angry. i need to get it out. and i really hate it when someone says "be strong". no, thanks. i'm just going to be me.

ok last random thought. this may sound weird. i don't mean it to be offensive but perhaps you have been given a gift of sorts. the rest of us muddle through life taking time with each other for granted. then an accident happens and we are left with "i wish i had..." and "why didn't i...".

don't mourn today for the time you might not have 5 years from now. we all are just given one day at a time. embrace the fight. help him give it everything he has. lean on each other venting emotions. don't bottle anything up! and embrace outside support too. and hopefully the rest of us can learn and won't take any time for granted either.

I really appreciate everyone who has responded, and I gotta say that this is the most traumatic thing I've ever experienced in my entire lifetime. I also want to apologize for being such a bitch out of the blue to anyone. I think it's best that I just not post and get outside today, as I can't be responsible for what I say.

I'm just very depressed today, I don't mean to be hurtful.

gemini13 said:

Karla i am so sorry I had no idea!

gemini13 said:

Just let all of your feelings be. Don't fight them. But yes, getting out and getting as much sunshine as you can today will do wonders for your head and heart. Grab some Kleenex and a bottle of red and go to the beach or something. You know my number.

I am so sorry to hear this.

gemini:

I'm so very sorry to hear about your dad. Your post brought tears to my eyes. I lost my mom to leukemia this past July. They gave us the news and we had only 3 months left to enjoy her beautiful spirit. Any type of terminal cancer is such a very heavy thing to deal with, and it can make you feel helpless. You sound like you are close to your dad, which is wonderful. I was distraught at first when I heard the news, and my mom reminded me that anyone of us could go any day for any reason, so we had to try to live each day like it was the last. I found strength for her when she was here, although I am still mourning her now.

Plese, for your own sanity, try not to leave room for regret. Whenever I could make my mom smile, I did. The biggest thing I will tell you is that although you are sad knowing about his illness, please do not mourn him while he is here. Spend your time talking, laughing, holding hands, giving him flowers and just sitting quietly together. Whatever he is physically able to do, go out and do it with him. There will be times when you cry together, just don't let that dominate your time with him.

The other thing I would recommend is that you learn as much as you can about his illness. It will help you to be better prepared about helping him make decisions concerning his care and comfort. It's another way that you can be there for him.

God Bless

Be with him as much as you can...and try to keep things as "normal" as possible. (I know it's hard).

I'm so sorry.

One day at a time!

Enjoy his life, and yours today.

It's really strange that yesterday was awful, and today I can't cry or be upset, like I'm totally numb.

gemini13 said:

C'mere I just want to give you a big hug..

sag10 said:

That's normal, right?

Now I feel guilty for not being able to be upset.

Jeez, I am all kinds of fucked up in the head.

gemini13 said:

Yes it is very normal. You are going to go through so many different emotions.

gemini13 said:

Honey, you are going to feel everything at nothing. It is normal. Do not feel guilty. It's even okay for you to go out with friends every once in a while too. Have a drink. As long as you're there for your dad.

My mom passed away in 1994 from cancer. It was a tough time but my Dad and I got through it.

Your dad is still here. Be with him.

How is it that I can have such affection for people I haven't even met before? I swear if I end up seeing any of you, drinks are on me!

I think I'm gonna take my boss up on his offer and take tomorrow off. I'm off today, maybe I should go to the coast again. I need to get outside. Perhaps go to skyline and take a hike through the redwoods?

gemini13 said:

It is very important to take good care of yourself and feed your soul

you are going to go through every emotion possible, even ones you did not realize exsisted