ill start, i hate it , sux, u do something wrong in therei eyes u apologize and then the ball is in their court, and we r now a yr and a half later, and nothing, no phone call, nothing!!!!!

I have issues with family not communicating. I also have issues with one of my family members that thinks I should act/react like her.
The only time she communicates with me is to tell me I have done something she feels is wrong.
When something good happens in my life she cannot say something nice..suddenly she shuts up.

You cannot pick your family.
Through good and bad times lately I have found that my friends have been a much better support system than my family.

Sad but true.

Yeah it can suck but i have learned that family is the one thing you cant pick. That means sometimes, out and out, you get saddled with a complete dick head that if they were a "friend" you would remove from your life as cancerous. So with the specific member of mine that is like that i just tolerate them, dont get involved and dont give anything away to them. Why do i need that shit in my life? If they get themselves sorted and become decent human beings then maybe we can re kindle things but until then.....hell no stay the hell out of my life

MrsMdiver said:

understood completely

mdiver said:

agreed soo much.

I've got a brother who hasn't talked to any of us in years... he has some big personal issues, and his last contact was to ask my parents for money. They refused that time (after giving him $$ for years), and since then he hasn't bothered to keep in touch.

In spite of all that, my father has been trying to find him for years now. My mother is in very poor shape and may well be dying. How great is my brother going to feel if he doesn't bother to speak to them until after my mother has died, if it is coming to that?

This is, IMHO, is the worst possible punishment. And his own damn fault.

I don't think we ought to hold ourself accountable for the choices of others. All we can do is set the right example by keeping in touch and caring ourselves... that is its own reward.



spelling edit
[Edited 4/28/08 1:00am]

Heiress said:

missmad said:

Thank you missmad.

What happens? Maybe you lose a part of yourself...

Heiress said:

good point! I always assume that it is me that has done something wrong when my family does not communicate with me or when my aunt says something nasty and judgmental to me. I have to remember that I am only in control of what I say and do. I am always the one that reaches out, calls, emails, sends pics... if they choose to get mad or hold a grudge, that is their problem.
A valuable lesson that might sink in one of these days.

shanti0608 said:

Damn straight.

This is a problematic that has taken me years to get over... we are simply NOT responsible for the choice of the other, the ball is in their court.

Look in the mirror and say it to yourself 20 times if necessary; do what it takes to get over feeling responsible for others (who are not your own dependent children under the age of 12)... you will feel so much lighter and happier.

Good health to you!

Heiress said:

Thank you... you are right.

I take on a lot of added pressure because I am an only child. I feel like I have let my mom down by moving so far away. So then I try to make sure I keep in touch as much as possible so she knows that I still care.

shanti0608 said:

So long as it's a joy and not a pressure, why not be attentive?

I must say, after 12 years of life outside the US, I can say I have no regrets about the time and money I've spent to see my parents and family... even tho it seemed that my efforts were sometimes in vain over the years.

Now, it's all good.
[Edited 4/28/08 1:22am]

Heiress said:

a bit of both... it just comes natural to me to share with my mom. We used to be very close.

shanti0608 said:

Hopefully over the years it'll become more natural... you're still kind of new at this expat stuff, ya know.

it's lame. i don't know most of one side of my extended family because of it, and it's given me very firm convictions to never, ever do that when i have kids.

evenstar3 said:

I guess that is all we can do is learn the lessons from the messed up generations before us. We were just discussing a similar thing last night. Making sure that our child knows all sides of his/her family.

MrsMdiver said:

MrsMdiver said:

YOU ARE HAVING BABIES?!?!

Spookymuffin said:

I said child. I know...a scary thought.
I think one will be plenty. If it happens..if not a puppy will do.


If we have a puppy...you are NOT allowed near her!

shanti0608 said:

I want motorcycling babies.

i'm the black sheep in my family so i dont bother trying to communicate with them at all.

I am really comfortable with communication or non with anyone

I have learned to deeply enjoy the ebb and flow of relationships

Each an every one of us can be gone in the blink of an eye. Life is entirely to short to hold onto and focus on the negitives and play the games

I am in a situation were I HAD to stop trying to communicate with my dad. He did not raise me or my older sister who is his child as well.

For some reason he only calls her, and only visits her, he always tells her "Tell XXXX, that I said 'Hello'." my sister fails to realize that she is enabling my father to be lazy with our relationship and is making things worse by allowing him to not feel like he has to contact me. He has not called me for a stretch of 9 years, last year he called me to tell me he was sick

When I became an adult, and met him when I was 23, I used to always call him, seek him out and visit him. I saw that the relationship was one-sided, and I no longer wanted a relationship that was going to be like that. I love myself too much and deserve more form a man that abandoned his family. I am not angry, just disappointed in him. He should know by now, that when someone is given a second chance, they should try to make things right.

Loving that man is like tossing pearls to a pig, I will no longer do it for the sake of my sanity. He better pray that he never needs a kidney.

Flip that, being raised in a broken home, my mom may have made some mistakes, and gone through some crazy stuff, but we are so close, and I love her so. I am glad for her, and we are now friends, we may still argue, but the bond is unbreakable.

One thing I have learned is that no family is perfect.
Just gotta love them for what/who they are and try to do better myself.

MrsMdiver said:

I couldn't agree more.

hiccup
[Edited 4/28/08 5:22am]

paintedlady said:

If I ever have a family of my own I will do all that I can to be better than my parents and their families.

It is all about learning and growing.

MrsMdiver said:

Redefining what an "ideal" family is in my eyes has helped me, the make up doesn't matter, as long as there is lots of love, the rest doesn't matter. So even a home without a parent or children can be full of love.

paintedlady said:

Very good point!

Blood or no, if someone is treating you in a shoddy manner, there is absolutely zero reason you should subject yourself to that.

I don't understand this sentimentality that says you should tolerate horrible behaviour because it's family.