Aries March 21 - April 19

Your promise to be "the best sister in the world" if God saves your pet hamster is complicated by the fact that you have no siblings, you are not female, and Mr. Squeaks is a rat.

Taurus April 20 - May 20

Shelley Long will briefly win back the nation's heart by repeatedly ringing your doorbell and running away.

Gemini May 21 - June 21

You'll get your girlfriend pregnant, but don't worry: It isn't a human baby.

Cancer June 22 - July 22

That ever-present, inexplicable feeling of dread will begin to make a little more sense this week.

Leo July 23 - August 22

You are shocked and embarrassed when police tell you that "Manwiches" should be made from a canned-beef mix.

Virgo August 23 - September 22

Your shocking decision to pose nude in Cosmopolitan may not have created such a stir had you asked the editors' permission first.

Libra September 23 - October 23

Your boast that you could solve the Arab-Israeli conflict with one hand tied behind your back comes back to haunt you when you try to escape Syria in a rowboat.

Scorpio October 24 - November 21

Save time: Exact bloody revenge now, before the bastards have a chance to wrong you.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

Your attempt to write a sensitive novel about close relationships is hampered by your never having had one.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19

The tranquil picture of your life will be shattered into a thousand pieces and scattered to the four winds, but not so that you'd notice.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18

You face the cold reality of getting older when you realize that you are no longer too sexy for your shirt.

Pisces February 19 - March 20

You will be chilled to the very depths of your soul by the phrase "producer-director Rip Taylor."