Without KILLING THEM!

Yes, this is about my 14 year old nephew. He is the cause of 95% of the chaos in the house. Always he is at the center of it and nobody is fighting when he is gone. Even the other 2 brothers are fine without him there.

He does this thing every night where he wants to have his own timetable on shit and do his homework late at night and then come into the room where his mom and the other kids are sleeping, turn on the lights and make all kinds of commotion so he can get his things ready for the next day and make his bed to go to sleep.

Obviously I know the answer is to have him do that before he does his homework so that all he has to do is just get in bed and go to sleep. Well last night it was this big fucking battle with him on this and he says he wants my sister to feel like he feels so he said he wouldn't make the bed unless she helped him. And my sister said he was grown enough to make his own bed and he starts screaming that if she won't help him he WON'T DO IT!.

Obviously this is a control issue but without slamming him to the ground and stabbing him to death, how the hell do you get under this kind of behavior? I really don't know how to deal with it rationally or in a controlled way. He's recently also started to raise his hands to me and other adults as if he is going to hit us. I will not hit him, although I must admit it would feel great to just beat the living crap out of him. But I don't think that is the right way to handle this. And I do not fear him physically even though he is now taller than me. I won't give him the idea that he can intimidate me this way. That is totally his father's influence.

Anyway, words of advice on tactics and such? We're way past the point of the Supernanny and people are seriously just tryin to get by here.

call supper nanny????? or U can send him my way

You make them spend a weekend in England sightseeng with Gold319

purplekisses said:

My God how I wish you could babysit a few days

I would move into the YMCA.

Stymie said:

Him or me?

Easy. Sit down with all of the adults in the house and set up ground rules for him.

Work together at all times, making sure nobody slips up. He's the way he is because he CAN be.


Rule #1: Homework is to be done as soon as he gets hom from school.


If he refuses to adhere, take away all of his priveleges until he understands who the bosses are.

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

You.

I'm actually a high school teacher that works with children with emotional problems- not that I'm saying your nephew has them. But my kids can be very difficult, both in school and at home.
I've been doing this way too long to argue with them, so I just let them "fail"- not necessarily academically, but in terms of creating shit they can't fix until they ask. I tell the parents to pick their battles and let them screw up, as long as it's not dangerous.
I know it seems "easier said than done", but after he messes up in school because stuff is not done, and he's not ready a few times, he'll get the picture that no one is thinking about his stupid little attitude.
14 is that age where they suddenly think they are grown, but still need someone to wipe their asses, figuratively speaking.
I know it sounds harsh, but U can only struggle so much. 1/2 the time, they are getting off on the power struggles moreso than the issues at hand.
The Child Study team call me "reality check girl" because I bottom line it for the kids. "NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR ATTITUDE. Do it. Don't do it. U fail, not me."

Ultimately, the kids like & respect me for it.

INSATIABLE said:

That's the other thing. They get the impression that they are in charge. Take it back and mean it.

Gotta agree with what's being said.

All adults HAVE to be on the same page. As long as he can play both ends against the middle you will make no progress.

Consistency is KEY

Picking your battles is so important. He is DEFINATLEY getting something positive (in his own mind) out of the control game he is spinning.

And yep, he is responsible for the consequences to his actions.

Hang in there SUPA!!! He's lucky to have you!

Is military school out of the question?

Wake HIS dog-ass up when HE is trying to sleep, then ask him if HE likes that shit.

I deal with these creatures 5 days of the week! Patience and Commitment are key. Also there has to be 1 thing you have in common. Find that bond and run with it

Stymie said:

fuck that if anybody needs to go its the kid.

i was a good 14 year old... i really don't like bad kids.

purplekisses said:

I looooove super nanny.

I'm sorry but. . . a beatdown may be in order. Just kidding. . . kinda.

I just think back to when I was a kid/teenager and how I respected/feared my mother, and ALL adults for that matter. I wouldn't EVEN dream of doing half the shit these kids boldly do today. I don't think there's anything wrong with corporal punishment (read: ass whupping) as long as it's done with Christian love and kindness, but definitely tap that ass. Just sayin. . .

U start early!

I think at 14 it's too late. His behavior is pretty much ingrained at this point and it will take alot of motivation on the whole families part to break him of his habit. So basically everyone is going to have to change to change this kid.

Aside from that, treat him like an adult and sit him down like you're going to have a conversation with your spouse and say "You are really disappointing me and I'd like to get to the bottom of it so that we can have a caring relationship with each other. Are you feeling neglected? Do you wish to have more attention? Do you find that there isn't enough structure in your life? How can I help you be the happy, considerate young man that I know exists inside you? Then, once he is not on the defense tell him what the family will not tolerate and stick to your guns. End the conversation on a positive, love affirming note.

Easier said than done but that's my 2 cents.

You said:

Beat them










If you don't, they'll turn into fat kids that scream for food


seriously

Sticking myself out on a limb here but i would say exactly the oposite to everybody else.

This young man is 14, and is proably desperate for aproval from his family and peers.

He needs to feel that everything he is doing is good, EXCEPT disturbing his family late at night.

At least he is doing his homework for fucks sake!!! He is not out on the street causing trouble - sounds like a good lad trying to do his best and getting nothing in return.

Treat him as an equal, I would say he is past traditional parenting now, make him feel good about himself and disguse your complements with guidance to help him grow up, take responsibility for himself and "be nice" to his younger family for no other reason than that's what "men" do.

Punishing him will only go the other way, IMHO.

If nothing else it will shock the hell out of him
[Edited 3/5/08 5:29am]

thekidsgirl said:

We are talking about that. He has all of his fathers worst traits. Every single one of them. Late last year, he was at the center of a situation in where he felt he had to involve his father and it seriously and honestly could have ended up in murder. Literally. His father flipped out because he drove him to the brink too, although his father is a druggie and that is what made him snap. And the thing is I can't figure out if he doesn't understand the seriousness of what could have happened and even if he did I don't think he even fucking cares.

I know that part of this is that he wants and seeks the love and validation of his father and honestly, this world will be better off when he is six feet under the earth. He has caused so much damage, so much grief, has loomed over my family with threats and physical intimidation and violence and the police have never done shit to help us all these years. The night he flipped out where I thought he was going to kill one of us the cops found drugs on him, in his car and they just let him go He continues to try and hold his father as a threat over us, like if we punish him he'll just call his dad. It really is out of control and I DO want to beat him to a pulp into the ground for even fucking daring any of this shit. We are the ones who make sure he is fed, that he has clothes on his back, that he has a place to live and he has his toys and gets to do things so it isn't like he is going without.

Like I said, he's starting to know his own strength and he raised his hands to me about 2 months ago while I was holding his baby sister and I was not intimidated or frightened and I told him that the second he touches me is the second he lands his ass in juvenille hall. But I don't want him criminilized either.

This kid needs to be broken in half and my only regret about sending him to military school is that I won't be there to see it Sounds harsh but that is how I feel.

14 year olds are very selfish by nature. I have a 14 year old daughter who thinks the world and household revolve around her. When you find the solution, send it my way.

PREDOMINANT said:

OK, I think this is where the problem on inconsistency comes in. My sister works all day and then has to come home and deal with 3 teen boys and a baby. By the time it's late and facing this kind of shit from my nephew her last nerves were ground away hours ago. And we acknowledge him on doing his homework. Him doing his homework late at night isn't really the issue. It's the fact that he has to completely buck everything in order to be at the center of all his created drama. Seriously, when he is gone from the house it is PEACEFUL.

When his dad was staying with us it was chaos in the house and when we finally drove him out we thought it would be better but now my nephew has taken over exactly where his dad left off. He creates so much chaos and it is constant everyday all day. Most times you can just ignore him but he will bring Mother Theresa to the snapping point I do try and relate to him as a young adult, because that is what he is becoming. When he was pulling this crap I told him as sanely and in as rational a tone as I could that he expects us to recognize that he isn't a kid anymore but how can we treat him like an adult if he can't even make his bed? In one ear and out the other. He doesn't give a shit.

It is so bad that my brother moved to Texas to get away from both their father and THEM, especially the Nephew in question. I will tell you one thing, that kid aint driving me over the edge. Hell no. I am considering trying to set up some counseling because I am not one who believes that kids should be seen and not heard. I believe that they should have the right to express themselves but this is just out of control. To the point that my sister is willing to put him in the hands of his loser drug addict father because she can't cope with him anymore. I honestly don't blame her and as appealing as it sounds to have him the fuck out of the house, I can NEVER agree with sending him to his father. How much worse would he be? I'd rather suffer through it then ever give his father that kind of victory or that kid that kind of defeat.

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

I was wondering if it would be possible for him to go live with his Dad, but that seems like a definite
I agree that some counseling is needed. It sounds like he is reacting to having seen/felt his Dad be "driven out".

I still say, however, that he needs to understand that his attitude means NOTHING in the grand scheme of things, and U all will function like it's not there. Once he realizes that no one is feeding into his little snits, then they will slowly taper off. That means that an unmade bed will have to be ignored- even by the other kids (who WILL resent it! Reward them for their patience.), and the homework time will not be mentioned, so if he oversleeps, just mention- without argument- that HE was the one who was up late. It's a slow, annoying process, but he's not going to change with power struggles.
Sit him down, tell him no one is going to argue with him anymore, and it's his choice how he handles those (small) things. Then see how long it takes for him to lose interest in them without the added fight.

I know not everyone agrees...

It's funny that so many people still think that trying to control your kids with pressure and/or taking priviledges away will work on ALL kids - NOTHING works on all kids. Some kids will just take their shit and run away if you squeeze them harder and then you'll really be up shit creek.
I believe in firm rules and reminding the kid about them, all adults in the house setting ground rules:

You need to do this, every damn day (ie make your bed, do homework if you have any, get up in time for school etc). This is the way it works for everybody - children go to kindergarten, older kids go to school and adults work. The school is your work and your responsibility and you need to do it. Nobody but you will suffer (and here I REALLY agree with Chocolate1) if you fail, all that happens is that you'll be standing at Wendy's for the rest of your sorry ass life and you WON'T be living in this house doing it. If you do not fulfill your responsibilities, you will not get the benefits (ie pocket money becasue it's like a salary for doing your school work, as an example).
While you do this, the rest of us will do different things that are our business. This includes going to bed at a certain time, and if you don't want to go at the same time you can sleep somewhere else in the house. No getting stuff and waking us up, NOTHING - you just go lie on the couch in your clothes. We want our rest because we have our responsibilities too.

Teacher said:

Teacher said:

exactly