Recently I've had a problem trusting my boyfriend, (this is a fairly new relationship) and I know that his woman chasing days are in the past but, I've also found out that while he was married, he's sort of had feelings for other women. Of course he's never done anything physically with these women but there is still doubt in my mind that he would do the same while we are in our relationship and it bothers me a lot. I admit that it may be some jealousy and insecurity on my part but there is always doubt in my mind.

My question is, has anyone gone through this type of feelings (although your significant other has given you no real reason to doubt) and how have your gotten past your feelings?
[Edited 2/26/08 17:03pm]

Trust him until he fucks up. If you really have no reason to distrust him, than you shouldn't.

Volitan said:

Well, I really love him and want it to be the real thing, and I hope he doesn't screw up. I have a couple of minor things that give me reason to not trust him but they're minor. I'm trying to figure out if I should overlook them and let it go or if I should do the 'smart' thing and not put myself into the relationship if I have these 'danger' signs going up. I just don't know. I'm confused.

not a good way to start

C0RAZ0N said:

Anything short of actually doing something physical with another woman, or stealing from you, or catching him in a lie, should be forgiven.

why torture yourself always doubting him? only be with someone you can trust completely, imo.

He is bad news. Drop him.

well I know exactly what you mean and my advice to you is, to stop thinking this way. It will do nothing but eat you alive and stress you out unnecessarily.
I wouldn't worry about things like that unless you really had some hard core evidence that he is cheating on you for real. Like girls calling your phone or his phone, numbers in his pocket, lipstick on the collar, he doesn't answer his cell phone in your presence or he walks out of the room to take a phone call.

Don't go looking for trouble until trouble finds you.

oldest joke in the book...how do you say "fuck you" in L.A.?....Trust Me!!"

As one who has played fast and loose with the trust of my significant other (and lived to tell the cautionary tale), you really only have two options...either let it go and if he steps on it, he steps on it OR you let HIM go and don't worry yourself with it....usually instinct is spot on in cases like this.....and if his past troubles you that much, it's only gonna get worse....

however, if you decide that you're gonna give him the rope to hang himself, then let him....don't contantly badger him and falsly accuse him based on phantoms and the proverbial "girlfriend" chatter....because in some cases, you may very well end up being the tipping point that brings the self fulfilling prophecy ("he's done it before, so its only a matter of time before he does it again...") to fruition....

longwinded, yes, but speaking from the "experience" pulpit....

C0RAZ0N said:

What are these danger signs. Specifically?

I always follow my gut instinct on matters of the heart. That instinct never lies,those "little red flags" that are waving should not be ignored. Do not act like a married woman that is locked into a relationship yourself, if this guy is not the perfect mate... keep your eyes open and your head up you never know who you will meet.

But that being said, if you are not completely happy, and are questioning his intentions with you then just break it off clean and in a hurry... it is better to be alone and focusing on yourself than with someone and constantly having your spirit torn down.

Feelings for other people are harder to compete with than just plain lust or sex.

evenstar said:

Trust is so important. I know! I have been learning things about my ex, and it's sick! All the other women, all the lies, I put myself thru hell!

Evenstar is right...only be with someone you can trust, or you will drive yourself crazy!

paintedlady said:

BUT she needs to make sure they aren't her issues alone. She could be projecting her insecurities on him. Corazon, are the speficics too intimate for you to share?

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

Red flags that say something ain't right, instinct. Intuition never lies, always trust it.

paintedlady said:

So true.

violator said:

Yup. Sadly, if you're feeling yucky about it, it's for a reason. You're probably right.

violator said:

However, that gut instinct or those little red flags may not be him doing anything wrong but her actually realizing that she has issues with insecurity.

Either way, those little red flags are an indication that she is not happy in the relationship and should probably move on to someone that better suits her needs.

violator said:

Yep, like I said

JustErin said:

JustErin said:

Very true.

violator said:

Me so smart.

JustErin said:

Most times...

JustErin said:

Erin, so true. That's the best advice yet. Gotta go with your gut, and your heart.

Thank you everyone, it's the input I needed.

I know deep in my heart that a major problem is my inability to trust, period. And insecurities do play a large part in how I am viewing his past. He's a good guy that made mistakes in the past with cheating on his girlfriends but as far as I know of him, he's changed. I guess he proved himself during his marriage because he was faithful to his wife.

But, during his marriage there was a situation with a girl (she's the one who told me her encounter with him) she said that there was sort of an emotional connection between them. From what she told me, he never tried to make any advancements but he did write lovely poems about her which he published. The poems expressed thoughts of being with her 'if only he weren't married' type of sentiments.

Although I know he loves me and expresses his desire to have a lasting relationship, he hides his friendship with another girl. I think he doesn't tell me because he thinks he's protecting me and doesn't want to jeopardize our relationship (or cause jealousy), but the fact that he's hiding it made me wonder why he's hiding it. I brought it up once and he assured me that he's not fooling around. So I just overlook this friendship because I don't want to be possessive either and change him or anything. I'm sure that would make us both miserable.

But what brought these mixed feelings up is what this girl told me. Maybe I'm worrying for no good reason, it is in the past.

Volitan said:

Fair enough.

Big up, be secure and give the dude a chance.

If he actually gives you substantive reason to believe he's an authentic commitment phobe, or even worse, a straight out jerk, THEN you should choose to back away based on what you feel is best for you

C0RAZ0N said:

Don't submit to your jealousy or insecurity because you will soon find yourself doing things that you probably would not do and it will end up sabotaging your relationship. Let his ACTIONS be your barometer...not what you THINK may happen.

DexMSR said:

DexMSR said:

and communicate with him...if he's not talking about some girl but she's talking to you, tell him and ask him to be completely honest with you because that's what he would want from you...the shoe on the other foot scenario

DexMSR said:

Precisely. Live & let love. If the love is worth its weight in platinum & diamonds then, it will weather the test of time and then some come hell & high water. Nothing can tear both of you apart.
[Edited 2/27/08 16:59pm]