CarrieMpls said:

I'm just hurt because he chewed me up and spat me out

babooshleeky said:

Come on, theres got to be pics.
Oooohhhh. New thread topic!

evenstar said:

This explains so much about you.....

i was the only one who thought i was in the closet.

and no i've never had sex with a woman.

I guess I would consider myself not-so-straight I think. But I have not "come out" to anyone close to me and I probably never will.
I have only ever been with one woman. I don't know what I am really.

PurplePowerMax said:

who r u???

babooshleeky said:

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

pardonme4livin said:

what do you mean?

KidaDynamite said:

RodeoSchro said:

.
[Edited 2/27/08 17:03pm]

Imago said:

Typical.


Um, I'll answer this in the order you asked:



The way I see it, I am 'out' but in my own way. If that makes sense. I have nothing to hide, I'm proud of who I am, and admire anyone who has the balls to be themself, no matter what anybody thinks (whether they are straight, bi or gay) but I'm not exactly 'flaming', either. If other people are - cool; but that's just not me. Well, okay, when I get a little excited, sometimes, I have my moments but I just automatically assume people think I'm gay. I just don't shout it from the hilltops and try to go about my business. Again, how other people go about their business is *nothing* to do with me () but I would much rather people knew me as 'that guy who happens to be gay', as opposed to 'Big Gay Al' . I know quite a few people who seem to be totally defined by their sexuality. Or, at least, they're almost Gay (for example) first, Person second. A caricature of what it means to be a gay man, almost. Nu-uh - not for me. Being gay is a huge - integral - part of my existence, but it's not the be-all and end-all. But that's just me.



All my friends know, I apply the same principle as above to work but I've never come out to my family, only because we're not on speaking terms. (I'm sure they've guessed, anyway. Mothers always know ). One of the hardest things you can ever try to explain, however, is what life was like before and after coming out... it's like that old cliche - a black and white film suddenly springing into technicolour. Suddenly, everything makes sense - or it does for a little while, then you have a new web of issues to deal with. As far back as age 7, people were calling me 'gay' - and growing up where I did/in my family - that was the last thing I ever wanted to be. Plus, I was quite religious. I was determined that nobody would define me by their standards so I desperately fought against it. Ironically, they were were right all along (but that says more about society itself and what we teach people about sexual preference, race, gender, culture, difference, etc.. That's a whole different topic). But, deep down, if I'd thought about it - I mean really, really, really thought about it - I'd have had to admit to myself that I was gay. All the signs were there. But I lived in such complete and utter denial of it, it was locked away, deep inside. I refused to acknowlede it. It never ceases to amaze me just how powerful the mind is - you can even end up kidding yourself.



As I say, looking back, many mates have said "But how didn't you know at the time??!" but that's just it... if you don't want to believe something, you can convince yourself almost *anything*. And that's how it was. I remember watching movies as a teenager and it would get to a love scene and - even though I would always be drawn to the bare chested man, not the woman - I would think "No, no, no!" and banish those thoughts. Immediately. And I managed to do that for quite a few years. Ludicrous, now - and sad, really - but I was utterly convinced that by not acknowledging my feelings, they would disappear. How wrong I was. But it's the only way I can explain it. Fear, self-loathing, denial.



As Laurel mentioned, it was only when I had an insane crush on someone I was in university with - the first time I'd ever left home and been able to explore - followed by disastrous attempts at wooing women (oh, and a dream where I was Diana Ross ; that was the clincher ) that I was forced to face up to my feelings. I just couldn't reject them any longer. I came out, hardly anyone was surprised and blah blah blah... I told all my friends individually (one of them nearly killed me by almost crashing his car; that was probably the wrong moment to tell him ) and, over the years, it's just 'there'. Years ago, at work, I was very much "This is MY secret - no-one must know". Then it turned into "Okay, well most peple have guessed so I'll tell some people". Now it's "".



This leads me to the bisexuality thread () which I was reading earlier... in some ways, I think life would be so much easier if I was more obviously gay. I end up attracting more attention than I'd like - both male and female. (And please don't think I mean that arrogantly - not at all. Plus, I'm not going to whinge about something so trivial. But that is a whole OTHER thread in itself ). Gay men think you're straight. Straight men think you're gay. Then there's women. I don't send out any immediate signals but - particularly in work - I meet sooooo many guys who are intrigued/confused/tormented by it. Outwardly, I pass for straight very easily. Yet they always know there's something different. What you described about your life in your 20s, Dan... I totally get that. And it's incredibly frustrating, believe me. It's something which totally fascinates me, yet I've never quite managed to get to grips with it. It thrills me, scares me, confuses the hell out of me - and all the while you're just trying to be true to yourself. But people like to categorise and label... Please don't think I'm whingeing, though. There are much, much worse things to complain about. But I really do not get it.



Um, so that's not exactly what you asked - and forgive me for going off on one; that's just the tip of the iceberg - but, as you can see, everyone's situation is unique and bloody complicated. And I do have a tendency to ramble. But I have SO much admiration for people - gay, bi, straight - who have the courage to be themselves and particularly those who have had to go through the coming out process. It's hard. But, like most things, it gets easier as time goes on. You just gotta watch out for those tricky little webs that crop up outta nowhere.



Anyway, sorry for rambling. And there are LOADS of people I need to catch up with here. I will do soon, I promise. Sorry if I've offended anyone and for being so crap lately.

And apologies for the emoticon overload. (You can tell I haven't posed in ages ).

nothing funny or special, I was like 21 I think and was leaving/moving from my uncles house who I could not stand and he was like are you gay? And I laughed like the time when him and my other uncle asked if I was smoking m.j., which was like laughing my ass off. Then I said, yeah did you think I've been wearing makeup all this time because I was straight? (i used to have a fascination for make-up cause I was well, gay and went through cosmetology) Then he went into how its against the bible and I was going to hell. And I just laughed some more because he was a big fucking drunk who was trying to tell me morals and shit. Then I grabbed my garbage bag full of clothes and left. GOODBYE!

onenitealone said:

You had me at "hello"

alwayslate said:

you're my kind of girl

Imago said:

they know.

Anxiety said:

yes they do



Thanks for supporting one of my threads Anx. I missed you

Imago said:

i like it better when you're on one of your hetero holidays, but you're welcome.

babooshleeky said:[quote]

PurplePowerMax said:

who r u??? [/quote

i'm a ho, u know i'm ho....

I'm pretty boring in that regard, 'cause I have no juicy sex stories.

I've only been hit on by gay/bi-guys and girls friends very lightly, and I always ended up looking at them with the "have you lost your everloving mind, I'm your SISTER not your fuckbuddy?" look.

I do remember eccentric (bi or les) art student girls used to want to have me near them 24/7 at college. They always wanted to dress me in their textile projects or have reading sessions with them from whomever was their literary influence at the time, I guess because that's what I was into as well. In theory it was a cool enough idea to have people to read or make patterns or paint with, but like with anyone straight or gay, there's always going to be one moment after many intimate ones of reading painting or taking body measurements and drinking LOADS of rioja... where somebody might feel inclined to make a romantic move...soooo..when it happened to me, because I never felt the same way, I just told them then and there and we put closure on it without harming our friendship. If I don't feel an attraction to someone,I just can't kiss them or explore anything with them sexually, so for me it never happened that I experimented with a person then found I felt nothing after: I felt nothing initially and therefore couldn't pursue it emotionally, physically, or ethically.

I have had other experiences though which are harder to catagorize, and that would be the occasional gay male friends from childhood that once every 7 years or so make weird-quasi passes at me. There's always that one see ya later kiss where they lock in.., or other times they make completely inappropriate comments about making babies with me. They were better about this behavior when we were younger. I was more like the "baby" team mascot of all our friends during adolescence, so they always "handled" me with some version of kid gloves and no one EVER remotely said anything they deemed inappropriate in front of me of a sexual nature( go figure)...but now that we're all pushing 40; puh-leeze. These bad asses have been saying all manner of craziness to me for 20 years going,now.

Actually though, I think it probably has more with us aging and sensing some sort of bio clock, versus them actually finding me attractive. But it is an interesting phenomena to watch though.

I always had feelings for guys. I told my Mom that I had feelings for men when I was 10 but I didn't know what to do about these feelings. It felt wrong to me then. The first time I had sex was with a man when I was 16 and I liked it. I told Mom that I was gay the same year but it was also at the time when I tried to pray it away. That didn't work but I kept on trying. In that time, I became a Marine when I was 18 and I wasn't interested in sex with anyone but as I stayed in it longer, my desires for men were slowly starting to come back and eventually I started having sex with guys again, some of whom were Marines themselves.

I've had one encounter with a girl when I was 22. She gave me some head and I won't lie, she could suck a mean one but it was there that I realized that I wasn't straight. In fact, I felt like I needed to take a long shower after it was done cause I felt so dirty doing that with a girl. In all of that, I still didn't feel comfortable with myself. I was conflicted with my preference, my faith and myself. They all seemed to clash with one another. It wasn't until I was 25 and about to go to Iraq when I felt comfortable with myself to come out to a friend of mine who is a lesbian. I saw how she was and how she carried herself and I knew I wanted to be that free to say something like, "Damn Vin Diesel is a fine motherfucker" around my friends. Once I told her that I was gay and I didn't feel ashamed to say it, I felt a HUGE weight come off of me, literally. It also happened to be my last year in the Marines and it was the only year in the 8 years I was in the servicethat I felt like I didn't have to hide. I could go out and not be afraid of being taunted or beaten up on base cause they couldn't use the truth against me, even though I had to keep the "don't ask don't tell" going. People had an idea about me being gay, but because I didn't act gay and I treated everyone with respect, they gave me respect too, at least in my face they did.

I came out to my immediate family, outside of my Mom and one of my Aunt's who already knew what was up, and the majority of my friends in 2006 after I had left the Marines and the results have been very positive. One of my other aunt's even helped me meet a guy who I dated for a while and is now a great friend of mine. I don't try to be advertise my sexuality, I'm just who I am. My mom and my Aunt A. as I'll call her, have said in the past that they were worried about my soul, as we are Christians, but I have faith that God is with me and I am still saved. He doesn't want me to live a lie and that's the one part of my life where I am at peace with myself. It's nice to have one less burden on my shoulders.

purplecam said:

That's really sweet.

KidaDynamite said:

Awww thanks.

fhqwhgads said:

I'm glad you acknowledged the joke. I can quit going on about "luxurious pillows" now, although that is the coolest term I've heard this month.

Imago said:

It may not be "innuendo" but it sure is "in-you-end-o".

onenitealone said:

Hi there handsome

Was in love with my best friend, a male. Tried to be in love with my best friend, female.

Best male friend and best female friend started dating and it really threw me. Got attitude with him about it. Kind of ruined our friendship.

I was in love with him though. I did tell him about it years later.

I've been pretty much out to everyone in my life except my parents (until recently).

shanti0608 said:

Hey YOU! How is life on these shores?! I hope you've settled in well. And Phil isn't driving you mad.

I'll do this via Orgnote properly but sorry I didn't get to meet you at the London Invasion, Valory. I was really disappointed not to be there. And REALLY appreciate Phil's offer - I will get back to him on that. But I see Evenstar is coming over later this year... so maybe meet up then???

Anyway - thank you, love. It's lovely to see you!

Imago said:

Still a slut, then??

onenitealone said:

What are your plans early June??? Miguel is coming over from Cali and he is staying with us for a few. Would be great for all of us to get together.
No worries about the last meet up Alun , we just wanted to see you/meet you.
We will get together don't you worry, Mr Mdiver is a pretty determined bugger when he wants something.
Take care and it is good to see you around. I hope all is well with you.


Ahhhh don't worry about jacking the thread. Imago started it..he will be glad if we keep bumping it. Besides we have already shared our stories..he cannot get mad at us.

Much love to you

Like I said in my original post, it's really hard to describe to people what the coming out process is like. The self-doubt, the fear of how others may react, potential rejection, being something different to what you already know, opening up to something that will completely change your life. It's bloody scary!

It's like: Remember everything you know about yourself and where you stand, what you think, what you like?? Okay, take that, throw it away and now do this. Go! And to get to that point - just within yourself - can be agonising. Then you have to go and tell other people?!

I know, when I came out, I made the mistake of thinking "Aha! That's what it's all about!", thinking everything would click into place. After years of being single, I automatically assumed that that guy would come straight round the corner, we'd get married have a baby, call him Nate... you know, the full works. WRONG. I still don't know where this mysterious guy is. But as one chapter of your life ends, it opens up an whole new set of issues. Maybe that goes for ANY significant change in your life, I don't know...

You can take so many things for granted in your life, when you stop to notice, it can be a real wake up call. For example, growing up, I assumed that at this stage of my life I'd be married, 'settled', have kids, etc.. And I clearly remember - several months after coming out, in fact - where I suddenly realised that was unlikely to happen. Logically, it makes complete sense. Yet I literally hadn't thought that far or processed it in that way - it was like: "Hmmmm, I'm gay... so that means I like men... ... what's for dinner tonight?.... Oh shit! I'm never going to get married/have kids!!". I would get these little lightbulb moments, now and again, where my entire sense of self would shift and I'd have something *else* to consider. Coming out is not always plain sailing; as I say, you walk out into something new, but have to deal with the issues that come your way on that particular path.

If there's anyone going through that right now, and they're reading this thread, just have faith in yourself and remember you're not alone. It can be difficult but, ultimately, I think these things make you stronger and give you a heightened sense of self-awareness. Something some people would benefit from. Oh, and at least you get to have sex with people you actually fancy. That's got to be worth something.