I'm in charge of our booth at a financial partner fair Friday, and each group had to pick a country to use as a theme. Since we're wealth managers, I picked Switzerland (thinking about the Swiss bank secrecy laws, doncha know).

My research...errrr, Wikipedia led me to discover the true story of William Tell. I will recount it here in the form of a play:

ACT I

Wench: Oh my lord! Switzerland has been taken over by the Hapsburg emperors! That awful Hermann Gessler wants me to have sexual congress with him!

Wench #2: That's not the end of it! He's placed his hat atop a pole and is requiring all the men to bow before it!

Wench #3 (Yes, in my version of history, Switzerland was populated with busty wenches): It's all my fault. He asked me to clean his hat but it was so filthy that I told him I wouldn't touch it with a 10-foot pole. Now look at the situation! I need some chocolate...

William Tell: Do not worry fair wenches. I am Wilhelm Tell, although my name will be changed to "William" by the historians and RodeoSchro. At any rate, I am a man of the highest degree. I fret not about the quality of my hair products. I do not trifle with meaningless debates about the texture of my testicles, although they are quite smooth to the touch. And I certainly do not bow before ANY man's hat!

All the wenches: Oh William, you're so dreamy!

Hermann Gessler: I heard that, Tell! You will bow before my hat or it will cost your son his life! And you wenches - I do not know what you mean by "shrinkage" but let me assure you, I am much more pleasing to look at in the dark!

William Tell: You don't scare me, old man. Why, I could shoot a watermelon off my son's head at 20 paces with my trusty crossbow, Elsie. Bring it on!

Hermann Gessler: Fine, have it your way, Tell. Tomorrow, you will shoot an apple off your boy's head at 40 paces, or you both die!

William Tell: No problem, you totaltarian piece of...wait? Did you say "apple"? And "40 paces"? Hang on a minute. Elsie's a fine crossbow but now you're being unreasonable.

Hermann Gessler: Oh look at this, will you ladies? The great William Tell is a pussy! Smooth testicles my ass!

William Tell: Fine, you precision watch-making meglomaniac. We'll see you tomorrow!

ACT II

William Tell: Don't worry son. Elsie has never let me down. You'll be fine. Quit trembling, though. Moving targets were never my specialty. All right, here we go now...

The crowd: Gasp!

Wench #2: He did it! William Tell shot the apple off his son's head! Hooray!

Hermann Gessler: Nice shot, Tell. But why were there two arrows in your quiver?

William Tell: Because if I had missed and killed Junior, I was going to use the other arrow on you. Oooops, I've probably said too much.

Hermann Gessler: Bound that man at once! Place him on my Nordic sailing vessel! Point the damsel on the front toward my lakeside palace, and I'll meet you there to torture William Tell. Then I will remove my hat from the pole and replace it with Tell's head!

The crowd: Gasp!

ACT III

Nordic sailing vessel captain: This is quite a bad storm! I'm going below for a hot toddy. Let me know when it's over.

Mate #1: Bad news, captain! William Tell has escaped his bonds and jumped overboard!

Nordic sailing captain: Crap.

ACT IV

Hermann Gessler: Come out, Tell! I know you're hiding in this house! Come out right now!

William Tell: OK. By the way, I still have that second arrow. Been nice knowing you Gessler.

Hermann Gessler: Arrrggghhhhh! I have been shot by William Tell! I bet there will be no mention of me in any opera written about Switzerland's greatest marksman!

Gioacchini Rossini: You got that right.

The crowd: Gasp! The tyrant is dead! Let's form the Condfederacy of Switzerland so that we might grow Gessler's precision watch-making operation, start a cheese industry, and keep banking secrets!

THE REST IS HISTORY.

Dang, no replies.

I made myself laugh 7 times while writing this. I guess I shouldn't have gone in the play direction...Would it help you to know that Giochanni Rossini actually didn't exist during William Tell's time, and thus his inclusion is a comedic device?

Or are you all too busy guffawing to respond? Yeah, that's it. That's the ticket...

Thanks! Another fun Switzerland fact: The guy that founded Rolex never sold a share to anyone else. Upon his death, all Rolex ownership was deeded to a charitable trust. Rolex has been a non-profit entity since 1960, giving its profits to charities.

That's nice! Kind of makes me think they could sell Rolexes cheaper, but at least my extravagant purchases are helping someone somewhere!

Imago said:

Look, if you post isn't at least half as long as your signature, don't even bother.

Unless, of course, your post is:


[Edited 12/11/07 15:22pm]

I'm re-bumping this post because it is about to become VERY popular, due to me hijacking Imago's Golden Girls thread over in Music 'N More.

too.many.words.

ZombieKitten said:

Substandard.Australian.educational.system



J/K. Reminds me of my 13-year-old's succint review of the recent Peter Frampton concert: "Too much guitar-playing, not enough word-singing".

RodeoSchro said:

english is my third language

I'll tell you what's badass. A funny/arousing GIF thread.

ZombieKitten said:

What are the first two? Babelicious and Groovyness?

NDRU said:

William Tell could skewer any GIF that got within 100 feet of him. And GIFs are nothing but pixels, which tells you what a badass William Tell really is.

In fact, I'd take William Tell over that pussy Chuck Norris any day.

RodeoSchro said:

William Tell was just an overture!
[Edited 12/12/07 15:38pm]

RodeoSchro said:

ha ha ha

oh man, if you only knew me

I am the biggest dork ever

I got him confused with William Shatner