CalhounSq said:

well if you have neices and nephews and children of friends to be wonderful too, that is just as good.

ehuffnsd said:

Honestly, I could care less about his sexuality. There are men who come to terms with thier sexuality but don't cheat on their wives and then put it up on video for all to see. There are men who come to terms with being gay and then (*gasp*) actually tell their wives what's up instead of just disregarding their feelings all together. There are men who at least respect their families, even if they ultimately want to leave them.

He should not have cheated, period.

JasmineFire said:

most men who get married to fix or hide their sexuality end up cheating on their wives because they aren't satisfied living a lie.

ehuffnsd said:

Plenty of straight men who cheat on their wives with other women will tell you the same thing. You shouldn't cheat on your spouse. Okay? Seriously, it's fucked up to do that.

That being said...this guy has to be going through a rough time and he is human. The issue that I take with most of your posts is that you seem to feel that he is absolved of all wrong doing just because he's gay. Is that what you're saying?

I know that I will never know what it's like to be a gay man, especially a gay man who is conflicted as this man apparently is, but on the other side of that, you will never know what it is like to be a woman who has just found out that the man who has pledged to love, honor, respect, and forsake all others to her is cheating on her and now wants to leave.

The whole situation is unfair any way you slice it but I don't think that this woman's feelings should just be brushed off because her unfaithful husband is gay. What if he was cheating on her with another woman? How would you see the situation then? Does it really change that significantly?

My issue with the situation is less about his sexuality and more with his cheating.

JasmineFire said:

we're never going to see eye on this because my views on sex, love and relationships are probably polar opposite of yours.

ehuffnsd said:

Okay.



So you think it's fine to disrespect the person you're with? Because that's the polar opposite of how I feel.

JasmineFire said:

honestly humans are designed or programmed for long term monogomy. i feel sorry that society forces people to get married in order live up to some ideal that isn't biologically possible.

ehuffnsd said:

I think you mean they aren't designed for monogamy, which is true. Some people have relationships that are open and that's fine. Cheating involves a lack of communication and a certain aspect of dishonesty. If the couple in this thread had some sort of agreement that even though they are married they can still sleep with other people, male or female, then it wouldn't be cheating. It sounds as though they didn;t have such an agreement and that;s where the main source of conflict is.

Most traditional marriage vows include a line about "forsaking all others" and, whether it makes biological sense or not, lots of people buy into that and expect that from their partners. Some people are capable of it and some are not. I don't think it's impossible to remain faithful to someone until you die or get divorced but I do understand that it's difficult.

JasmineFire said:

the only reason i took the stance i've taken on this thread is the title.

ehuffnsd said:

okay...i think i understand where you're coming from then.

JasmineFire said:

i agree that the rules of any relationship should be discussed and abided by, but however the title just strikes as not understanding things in the world. i'm just glad we all stayed civil!

ehuffnsd said:

I totally didn't even think about the title...

I'm glad we all stayed civil, too. And came to an understanding of sorts.

It makes me feel all lovey inside...

JasmineFire said:

understanding is much better than the you are either with me or against me type mentality that happenes alot

ehuffnsd said:

Same here. Neither of us are defending this man's infidellity. But his cheating is just the tip of the iceberg of the issue here
[Edited 11/29/07 16:44pm]

VoicesCarry said:

Ok, let's put it this way. It's easy for some and hard for some (speaking from experience). There isn't a general "right" in this

ehuffnsd said:

Oh no, I understand completely what's going on in the world. My position still stands: Don't get married. There is no excuse for it in this age we are in. Stay single

Janfriend said:

in your part of the world, but maybe not in his. Like I've said just look at the reaction my own aunt who've known my whole life treated me at my grandmothers funeral last year.

Janfriend said:

True. And once again, I want to reitterrate that while everyone is horrified for this woman, she is willing to entertain staying with him out of her primal desires over her fetus. She is just as whacked here.

ehuffnsd said:

I understand that, but I still don't see what the justification is in deceiving someone else and marrying them. He (the man in the letter) obviously dated this woman, proposed, planned a wedding, got married, etc. He did not HAVE to that. Even with straight people, I know many people whose families pressure them to get married and have children. It is ultimately up to that person to do it or not regardless of how loud the family barks about it. No one forces anyone to get married, unless you can give me an example of someone being told they would be disowned for not getting married. I don't know the man 's complete situation. He may not have thought he was gay when he married. He could have thought he was bi. I just personally believe people should be honest in their relationships, especially when you know that person has fallen or is falling in love with you. You can excuse it all you want and gives all the reasons why, but that doesn't make it justified. I'm not even saying he had to come out.


...and why would he have videos publicly posted?? What stupid married man does that?

Janfriend said:

fear causes irrational thinking. we can't apply our rational thinking to someone who might be afaird of losing his family and or his life. we don't know this mans situation or any man with sexual identiy problems getting married. walk a mile in their shoes

ehuffnsd said:

Walking in his shoes will never justify his reasons for cheating. I know people in this situation who told their spouse first and did not cheat and deceive. My point is if someone is having sexual identity problems and knows it's a problem they should not get married and deceive the other person. They should work out their shit on their own. They're only thinking about themselves and what they're afraid of and their feelings. That women he married has it far worse than he will ever have. Walk a mile on her shoes. Women have it harder in this world

CalhounSq said:

i love you Calhoun

Interesting.

I think it extremely odd that the mother-in-law would have a video of her son having sex with anyone. So, there was already -- before the wife "found out" -- a weird dynamic going on between mother and child.

Second, the wife's statement about wanting her husband/child's father there makes me wonder if she didn't suspect something all along. I know it's hard to appreciate the depth of emotions she's dealing with, but she seemed to be sort of unrealistic about that statement: Her husband has come out to her, possibly exposed her and their child to life-threatening diseases -- and she's trying to cling to the perfect life she'd planned with him. It's tragic. I can't say I wouldn't do the same, were I in her position.

I think that the most important person in this scenario is the unborn child. The fact that the husband is gay doesn't mean that he won't be a wonderful father. He needs to be true to himself to be a role model for the child and honesty is the best policy here. I think that they should be divorced but he continue in the child's life. He needs to discover more about himself and as it ultimately does not involve his wife they need to separate as she has to come to terms with what has ultimately happened here.

They need to discuss what is going to happen when the child is born and how this is going to play out in their lives. There is another person here affected by what has happened but it could be a rewarding experience for all concerned.

If they are mature about it and go about it the right way, all should be well.

ThreadBare said:

I think she's still in shock and panicked. The only way she can deal is to try to cling to what she knows.

I think that in time her thinking will change on that subject.

JasmineFire said:

we don't know if she knew before they got married or not. she could have known and thought she could change him.

ehuffnsd said:

either way, her husband is leaving her while she's five months pregnant. I know I'd be in shock and very upset...I can only imagine the hell she's going through.

JasmineFire said:

if they are mature they can work something out.

JasmineFire said:

Many times women play the damsel in distress when they know exactly what the hell is going on. Women are masters at using femininity, children and expectations against men. They are women for godakes And most men have no idea they are even in a woman's world Like alwayslate said in another thread about her girlfriend, don't be trying to play those games on me because I got a pussy too. She now has all the information but she's still playing dunce here.

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

U may be...scratch that..... U are on 2 something.