CarrieMpls said:

people have to be responsible.

ehuffnsd said:

very true!

ehuffnsd said:

Then get up and get out. Sure, I think it's awful he feels he can't come out, but then he shouldn't get married and have children no less and hurt other people in the process when it's HIS problem to deal with.

ehuffnsd said:

That also played in to my decision to no tell her.

1) His mother would have been devastated, and even if she didn't disown him, nothing would be the same. His brother would have disowned him, and the family would live in shame in their stupid little North Carolina community.

2) He also had self-esteem issues he's been dealing with all his life (his hair was thinning so much, he shaved his head at 24 years old, and never got over it). Shame though as he was really great looking, and had one of those bubble asses you always want to touch and stuff.


I also regretting severing ties with him, but still think it was for the better. He had been very selfish in our friendship as well. I had helped out with his career ,etc. etc. , and he repaid me by being quite the ass (fake self-confidence and hot headedness). Though I know he would have grown out of it, at the time, it was just too much. To me, it meant that he cared more about his illusions and ego than about how that affected others. I just couldn't watch it take place.
I do wish him the best, but expect the worst. And I fear that one day I'll get a phonecall or see him at my doorstep asking for help and guidance cause he just left his wife. Like, what am I supposed to do? I ain't married, and don't know how to deal with that mess.

ehuffnsd said:

This guy I worked with was always hitting on me. His wife worked a different shift. And she had been told several different times that her husband was gay.
She knew, but refused to acknowledge it. He didn't look 'gay' or act it like people typically stereo type. He was just a good looking middle age man.

shanti0608 said:

She's a college educated country "bumpkin" from a small town in North Carolina. She's probably never met a gay person who was "out".

I think she could be easily fooled.


He fooled everyone on base. The only reason why he came out to me was I told him I already knew and didn't care. It wasn't his mannerisms that gave it away. It was his eyes.

CarrieMpls said:

Hey, are you telling folks that I'm masculine or "not gay"?

I got some orgnotes and emails kind of pointing out that I was a fraud. But it's not true. Just cause my voice is deep doesn't mean I ain't a girl inside.

CarrieMpls said:

it's not that easy.

i know people to this day struggling with the choices they made regarding this issue. My friend who has a gay dad, only is upset that she didn't get to spend the time with him her brothers did because he left after she was born and they are 5 and 10 years older than her. To kids the issue is feeling like they are important, and maybe he is afaird of being cut of his kids life and being hated for something he has no control over.

my friends who were married are upset for ruining anothers life and still carry guilt for it, even though it was at that time the best opition.

this subject isn't as cut and dry as the title.

Imago said:

he sounds very selfish to me.

CarrieMpls said:

But you live in Uptown Minneapolis. A Block Party might as well be a "white party" where you hand out poppers and condoms.


In New Burn North Carolina, they don't even know who Barbara Streisan is. S-C-A-R-Y.

Ok, so what's the percentage cut-off line for being gay and still being able to get married?...73%? 44%?...21%? Dan--er, a friend, was asking me if I knew.

ehuffnsd said:

We'll have to agree to disagree. I have huge problems with men who are deceitful to the women they marry. Gay or straight, whatever the deceit.

Imago said:

I have no idea what you're talking about.

CarrieMpls said:

Somebody is outing me as being masculine, and I'm trying to get to the bottom of that slanderous shit.

CarrieMpls said:

But like Eric said, is fear due to enormous pressures selfishness? It certainly is unfortunate and hurtful to others. But is he souly to blame?

Imago said:

oh. In that case, girlfriend, it sure as heck ain't me.

Imago said:

All I'm saying is you don't knowingly hurt other people on account of your own problems.

Imago said:

I think he should have sorted himself out before he committed to his wife and had a child.
It is one thing to fuck up your own life but another when you fuck up 2 more lives.

CarrieMpls said:

I wish I could rewind to 3 years ago and rethink my decisions. Even if I come to the same conclusion, I wish I could have at least given it more thought. At that time, I was just glad to have an excuse not to have anything to do with him to make a truly unclouded decision.

Now, given distance, time, etc. I can look at him with more sympathy and objectivity. At one time we were like brothers, so it wasn't an easy decision for me to make. It may have also been one of my most selfish. If I find out that he's taken his own life or something like that, I will feel completely awful. I'm the only person he's ever been able to confide in. I mean, like ... ever.

shanti0608 said:

Yeah, I have to agree. When he married her, I was certain they'd wait to have a child, and that it would desolve before than as none of his girlfriends lasted more than a few weeks (for obvious reasons). Though I stopped talking to him regularly at that time, I he still had my email address (if not my cellphone #)


But when he said she was pregnant, it came coincidentally on the cusp of my swapping from Time Warner to Verizon. I never gave him my new email addy. He made me feel like an accomplish to the illusion so to speak--like his "Escape" from his obligatory life. Of all the fucked up scenerios I've been in, that was the most awkward....and sad.

Society is the one who would rather shame us into living a lie than to allow us to live our lives in peace. Hopefully this teaches a lot of people in this country a lesson but sadly they would rather us lie and hurt their daughters and create families to break them to simply leave us alone and let us live our lives without society playing pile on with our lives.

shanti0608 said:

i'm sorry to burst your bubble people don't want to be gay.

some guys honestly believe it's a passing thing or that they are bi and getting married will stop those urges. and sometimes people are deathly afaird of losing their family. even in the most gay friendly of families. take for example Cher. CHER!!! Gay diva loads of gay friends and fans. Her daughter came out and she didn't speak to her for years.

Imago said:

See, he is selfish in my opinion because he put you in a bad position as well.

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

I would love to agree with this as it would mean that it's a problem we can more easily fix.


But honestly, I don't society is asking gays to lie. I think much of society honestly believes being gay is a choice--not a true orientation. Almost as if being gay is like having a fetish that can be cured, bless Ted Haggard's heart.

CarrieMpls said:

I really agree with this for the most part, but straight people never have to make this kind of choice and therefore don't understand the enormity of all the issues that causes nearly all of us at one time or another to lie about being gay.

CarrieMpls said:

carrie i'm sorry but your mindset shows me that we aren't where we should be when dealing with sexuality. the woman gets support and the man struggling with his sexuality because of society and family pressure is the bad guy when in all reaity is that culture we live in that is wrong.

ehuffnsd said:

I guess I do not know what it is like to be a man...I must admit. I do know myself and I could not hide something like that from the person that I am supposed to be closest to.
I understand that there are pressures in society and I know that men have pride running through their veins. I just think it is selfish to harm a person like that when you claim that you love them.

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

i still want u

shanti0608 said:

Well, he's put me in good positions before too, but for me it was just a fun thing to do, which of course he had to come to terms with.

Plus I was about a few years into my on again/off again relationship with a woman whose problems were just as interesting, though no as tragic.


I attract this in my life.

shanti0608 said:

maybe he does love her, he isn't sexually attracted to her though

love does not equal sexuality. however i'd much rather be in a relationship where i'm emotionally and sexually attracted to the person.