You tell me

I am a 27 year old woman who has all the right things going for myself. I have two master's degrees, rapidly climbing the corporate ladder, and net-ting (not grossing) over $110,000 a year. Outside of the professional, I am a "true-banger" (that is east coast talk for hottie). I am a true hourglass, work out regularly and keep myself up well. My problem is that I think I have wasted my splendor on a man who is not doing the same for me. I go all out for my man. I am all about being my man's diamond, his fantasy. However, he, on the other hand is not as dedicated to doing the same for me. We have been together almost five years. When we met, he was 6'3", 210lbs, and charismatic, carried himself well and treated me like I was special. Fast forward five years, and he is now 6'3" 265 lbs of gut and thighs, lazy as the dickens and doesn't dress well unless he is going to work or unless we are doing something formal or semi-formal together. Steve, before you go there, I am not shallow, he gained most of that weight by the 4 year mark and our problems began only a few weeks ago. Almost a month ago, he proposed to me by taking me to the jewelry store and saying "pick one out." No Bended Knee, No Confession of Love...Nothing! It was informal and almost insulting. After all this time, the best he could come up with is "Pick one out." And it's not that he isn't a romantic guy, because he has surprised me with spontaneous weekend escapades and candlelight baths and such, but this was his proposal. You have got to be kidding me. Since the proposal, things have been getting rocky, because he feels that I am not "Happy enough" about our engagement. After hearing it for seven days straight through sarcasm and snide remarks, I finally told him how I felt about everything, his weight gain, his slovenly appearance and of course his proposal. I may have said a bit too much and I accept that I may have been quite hurtful, but I feel that I should be able to be honest with the man that I have lived with and loved with for over 5 years. On a grand scale, we do not fight or argue that often; so this being one of the few big fights in our relationship, I never dreamed it would go as far as it has. Currently, we are sleeping in separate bedrooms and saying very little to one another. Yesterday, I overheard him talking to his brother on the phone about moving out of our home. I truly love this man, with all my heart and I don't want us to fall apart over my honesty. I was hoping that it would merely motivate him to work on himself for me, just as I do for him or even just make him be mindful of his presentation in different aspects of our relationship. I don't want to lose him; I just want a little more effort. Is it over? Should I let him leave if that's his wish? Or do I try and get him to understand how I feel so that we can be on one accord? What do I do? Sincerely, Might have said too much


Good to bad edit
[Edited 11/26/07 20:24pm]

Wrong.

He should work on himself for himself, not for her. If he's fine with himself he's fine with himself. If he changes just for her those changes won't last, and he could build some subconscious resentment in the meantime.

That said, they need to go to a good couples counselor before committing, or go their separate ways. The longevity of a relationship is not a good reason for getting married.

And to answer your question, I have no idea if he's a good man or not lol ...

It seems that she's being a bit me, me, me - we know nothing of his opinion so we're bound to think that this is all him, but as a result of that I completely side with him and I think she's far too demanding; nobody's perfect and part of love is accepting one another's flaws.

I say that as I call evenstar a fat bitch and tell her to lose some weight or she gets the hose.

benyamin said:

I have a feeling that she likes the hose dude!

The only thing I'm seeing her complain about is his appearance and reduced "romantical" ways.

I mean, damn. It's the same story every time. Deal with it, or leave, right? Does Steve Harvey have some sort of magical gift that makes chicks see clearly?

mdiver said:

benyamin said:

but i AM thinner, i am! do not want hose!

this woman sounds annoyingly high-maitenance and demanding to me. that said, if anyone proposed to me like that i'd be kinda bummed out too.

evenstar said:

Shit.

His proposal was wack


But I still think she is complaining.

benyamin said:

evenstar said:

Me on one knee in a michelin-starred restaurant in Paris, then?

benyamin said:

stoppit.

evenstar said:

evenstar said:

Yeah...he's asking her to make possibly the most important decision in her life and commit herself forever to the guy, and he's acting like he's buying her a puppy from the kennel lol...

Byron said:

if the dynamic of their relationship is casual like that, then it's cool, but obviously she was expecting something different.

evenstar said:

I wanna fucking shoot her. I bet she's ugly. I hate girls who declare themselves hotties.

evenstar said:

After 5 years he should have known it wasn't lol ...

benyamin said:

Actually, she said she's a "true banger"...so it's ok.

benyamin said:

nah, i bet she has a great body but might be meh facially.

I am surprised that she did not mention that he was not willing to get her a ring that was the standard two month salary.
Some women live in dream land

I guess she feels like she deserves more than she is getting.
That man does not stand a chance.

Oh, I know this woman. She's a dyed-in-the-wool obsessive perfectionist -- and she thinks everyone else should be like her.

Look at me, everybody! I'm so smart and pretty...any man would be lucky to have me! I work out. I make a lot of money. I'm a man's diamond. Blah blah blah.

Maybe the man in question doesn't want a diamond. All that being perfect she does? That ain't about him. It's about her. By making all that money herself, by spending all that time in the gym herself, she hasn't left him anything.

I would be willing to bet she's bought herself diamonds in the five years they've been together. And that ring thing is him saying, "You already have diamonds, so what's one more? I can't give you anything you can't get (or haven't already gotten) for yourself."

This woman has two degrees and is climbing the corporate ladder? How often do you suppose she's cooked a nice dinner for him in five years? Sat around in sweats with him on the weekend and let him watch football or basketball?

Here's a news flash for all the women out there: Men (in general) need to be needed. They want to take care of a woman. And the traditional way for them to do that is financial. Even if you make a lot of money, you need to leave him something -- make him feel like he's top dog in some way. And it needs to be a way that's important to him -- not a way that's important to you.

Men aren't that complicated. It's about what I call "the three Fs." Feed 'im, fuck 'im, let 'im watch football.

Her last question says it all, "Or do I try and get him to understand how I feel so that we can be on one accord?" It's all about her...and about getting him to live his life her way.

I hope he dumps her narcissistic ass.

shanti0608 said:

i was thinking that too! and you just know she thinks the wedding is ALL about her.

evenstar said:

2 months??? Fuckit i got gipped

mdiver said:

Damn...you better hope she is worth it or you should get a better paying job. She sounds like she could be high maintenance.

evenstar said:

Exactly - Genesia got it bang on up above.

shanti0608 said:

Better paying?????God damn its started already..... 2 days....2 days..

evenstar said:

It's sod's law that when I start properly researching the 1848 revolutions I find them really interesting, isn't it?

Three F's...

damn I am glad that I can cook...

benyamin said:

after all that ranting about how horrifically boring history is?

evenstar said:

It's one of those "do-it-in-your-own-time-and-want-to-do-it-well" things (or, as I call them "diiyotawtdiw" - pronounced "Dee-yo-tawt-id-ew") - once you start properly researching to fill in your gaps you plug all the holes and it makes sense and becomes interesting. Bastard course making me like it.