violator said:

I think this child might already get beatings ,yelled at, criticized at every turn and ignored....that is how children end up acting like him. Corporal punishment is OK, but only if he is surrounded by love and that form of discipline is handed out in fairness and compassion. He probably hasn't been hugged and given any positive attention ever....I could see his dad saying "shut up and stop yer whining"... and taught not to show emotion.
[Edited 11/13/07 21:12pm]

Imago said:[quote]OMG

OK, he's 13 and that means he's gonna be one angry kid for a while. Have you considered a program like Big Brothers/Big Sisters?

He needs a stable male role model, and if you can't be it cause of your feelings to him, he needs SOMEONE.

Also, he probably needs his ass beat from time to time. That boy needs to fear his mom. Sorry folks--I'm a bleeding heart , but when it comes to rearing kids, they need to learn the law of the house. The number duty is raise a young, productive , law abiding citizen.


And I don't mean beat his ass literally. Well, I don't mean it all the time.


I really sympathize for your situation. I had a best friend who was that 13 year old boy you described. He ended up being a great young man. He grew out of it.

But in your situation, I don't know. Do you think he has to potential to be criminal? He really needs a role model.

xpln:
In this day and age, the concept is, you can talk or convince your charge, to behave, without benefit of past, (but effective), archaic methods.
Fine! What's the substitute? (I spanked and yelled at pliable ages)
A 13 yo is a unique age.....he needs to respect his mom.
I agree with Imago.
[Edited 11/13/07 21:11pm]

just send you an orgnote...

OK, I am coming back to this but this is what I've done so far. I went to the bank to discuss the options my sister has as to how in the hell to get out from under that damn car. They gave me all the options, none of them unfortunately will probably not work. I am waiting to get the phone number to the collection agency that is after my sister for the payments.

If they can't help us, my next step is to help her declare bankruptcy. This is something I have no idea about as I've never done it. What is the difference between chapter 7 and 13? Which would apply to her situation? I tried googling Bankruptcy+California+qualifications but couldn't really figure anything out from the sites that came up. Anyone have any clarifications, insight or advice on where to go next?

Thank you all, really. Thank you.

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

I realize it's Wikipedia, but it's a start:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chapter_7

http://en.wikipedia.org/w...tates_Code

I'm at work but will come back to this later tonight.

Wow, what a tough situation
I can sympathize with you for feeling hatred towards him, but I'm sure that you do not sincerely "hate" him. He is still very young and possibly a bit tramatized...Your nephew would probably really benefit from some kind of counseling or therapy... My brother suffered a lot of psychological trama as a child due to his biological father, but if maybe he had been able to talk to someone back then he wouldn't be so messed up now

You also might want to think about getting him into some programs for kids his age like sports or something to occupy his mind and stimulate him

Obviously, this issue goes deeper than just my nephew. And no I don't literally hate him. Well, sometimes I do but deep down I do love him. Y'all don't know how out of control he really is and it pisses me off that their father has messed them up and then left us to deal with it. Frankly, I'd rather him be out of the picture forever but damn.

paintedlady said:

Believe me, there are days when I want to beat the living hell out of them. But I cannot and I will not do that. No matter how angry I get. Their father beat them when they were young and I REFUSE to be that asshole's replacement in their lives. I. WILL. NOT. HIT. THEM!

As for positive attention, I am very concious to give that to them and to validate them as young adults, because that is basically what they are or are becoming. I am not their father so it complicates things in that they feel it's not my place but I still do what I can in raising them regardless. I do things for them ALL THE TIME. Without them asking, I will come home with food, or hand them a $5, $10, or $20 depending on how deep my pockets are at that moment. I remember what it was like being a kid and having no money. It sucks.

When it comes time that they want to go to a party, or to Disneyland, or to do something I make sure that they have money for food and to have a good time. I have been on that end of things going to do things and being embarrassed and ashamed that I didn't have money to do the things other kids did. They are taken care of in this way and I engage them as far as instructing them on the rights and wrongs and I try not to lecture and to talk but it's like trying to rebuild New Orleans. Destroyed and where do you start to pick up and rebuild? I am barely getting a hold of my own life after 37 years, it's all I can do most days to stay focused and remain on my path to healing. That sounds like it would make it easier for me in all this but there is so much to it and many times I feel completely overwhelmed by it.

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

I was gonna say...starting this is proof ya love him even if he is a total shit

s and hang in there supa!

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

Supa, ya know you sound like a very good parent to me. Those kids need you so much more than you probably realize, just remember to pull back a take a short recess if you feel you patience wearing too thin. Even if it isn't said, I'm sure that those kids love you. Trust me, kids always gravitate towards the ones that they know love them.....keep it up, you are making a difference.

paintedlady said:

Why can't this be an hour long episode where the Supernanny rides off into the distance and everything is OK? Man! I'm telling you, lots of times I feel like I'm doing nothing right and I'm sure that is a feeling many people dealing with kids have but jeez, it freaks me out to think that I can't help them enough. It really really bothers me. I want the best for them, I really do and it saddens me that they were victimized by the same things that me and my sister went through. Part of this is I need to get my sister and shaker her ass by the shoulders because enough is enough. We need professionals man!

Thank you PT

Orgnote, honey...

OK, another question. Back when the kids were younger, I never called social services because I didn't want my sister to have her kids taken away. We had that situation with my cousins and it as not a good experience. The girls were abused in the homes they ended up in. Looking back, I probably should have but still it felt like an impossible choice to be the one to make that happen.

Anyway, about counceling....we would probably need to do this through social services or something where it would be discounted or free cuz people aren't flowin with money here. If we did this, would we open ourselves up to have the kids taken away? I mean they aren't little babies anymore but there is a 6 month old at the house and a 2 1/2 year old. I couldn't bear it if we got involved with social services to have them take the babies from us. Any of them for that matter.

Are there agencies, like non profits, outside social services that would provide this kind of service?

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

local pred. black church
some old school mother of the church can lead you to some great counsel.

Be sure that the church is not too fire and brimstone...the kids would get too scared. Or if you join a local church yourself it would be helpful...

I know right!

DO NOT GO TO CPS or any other agency....last resort would be a city funded agency, referred through their pediatrician, or patient advocate.

.orgnote Sweetness!