I'VE GOT IT. Maybe.

Don't just blurt it out. Put it in the form of a question. Like maybe this:

Erin: Nice weather we're having, eh? (Canadians say "eh?" don't they?)

Dude: It sure is.

Erin: You sure are a good friend. I'm glad we've become so close.

Dude: Me, too (I assume he's like all guys and doesn't use too many words) (Except me - I never shut up).

Erin: So, do you think friendships like ours can ever blossom into something more?

Dude: What do you mean? Can I get another beer?

Erin: Well, a lot of people say real love is borne out of friendship. What do you think about that?

Maybe this is a way to feel him out without putting yourself in an uncomfortable position.

Anxiety said:

You had a valuable friendship with your BOSS?

Cinnie said:

oddly, at one point in my life, i had a very strong friendship with my boss. fortunately she was queer as a catfart too, so there was never fear of anything ick happening.

RodeoSchro said:

I can see it going like this though.

Dude: I don't know. Why are you asking?

haha or something that puts her on the spot....

let's flesh out this scenario

Yeah. I feel the need to have that out there. If it's true, I say it.

But I wouldn't suggest that anybody model their emotional life after mine. That would be unwise.

JustErin said:

Obviously I don't know the intricacies of the your situation, but based on what you've posted here (on the thread in general, but also the part in bold), I say don't do it. Honestly, it sounds like you are trying to avoid dealing with things or shift the "blame" to him because (you assume) after you tell him, he'll disappear. You are setting him up to be the bad guy, which doesn't seem right, imo. If you think your feelings of jealousy are interfering with your platonic sex relationship then just distance yourself from him. Say you're too busy to hang out, or whatever when he calls. But telling him you're falling in love with him, when you're not even sure (according to your later posts), seems like you are kind of looking for the easy way out and avoiding your own issues with commitment.

Or go for Ace's scenario about broaching the subject more as a monogamy issue instead of the 'L' word.

Not trying to be a bitch, but you did ask for opinions. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Buy him a tuke, some backbacon, and a 24 pack. That says "I love you" in Canada better than anything else.

RodeoSchro said:

Well I imagine it's not for everyone. Personally I don't do those relationships. I'm a gal that needs more than just a warm body in my bed on a cold night. I notice a lot of my friends in New York are very adept at these sort of relationship arrangements, though. We can all be sitting at a client meeting, a dinner party, or chatting each other up at a great cocktail party, in walks their 'lover' (for lack of a better word), and they barely acknowledge each other after the initial greeting kiss on the cheek.. for the entire day or evening...even if they've slept together that week ...I'm always rather amazed to watch how these situations play out, because I don't roll like that... but if it works for other people then so be it, I guess.

Illustrator said:

I wouldn't know to laugh or feel touched!?!
Maybe a little of both. How do know you love her if you never met? Have you even talked?
[Edited 10/31/07 1:37am]

Anxiety said:

In the case of say a boss, or a good friend's spouse or something I totally see your point. In Erin's case, not at all. This is someone she's already in a relationship with (albeit not an exclusive one). He's already not "just a friend" and realistically probably never was.

ereToRockYourWorld said:

Same here - not unless you're looking for your love life to become derailed in an instant.

This whole thread depresses the hell out of me. I've been in this situation far too many times; and, like Erin says, it usually comes from an extreme lack of self-confidence. In theory, I'd say: GO FOR IT! Put your feelings out there. Those feelings eat away at you. In reality, however, I know it's never that simple. The one time I actually hinted at it with this guy I was totally smitten with (and he was a guy I was really friendly with), he made it clear that we were 'just mates'. I didn't actually say those three words but his response was enough to make it clear that if I had, I would've come crashing down to earth. It was really painful at the time but, there again, it did allow me to move on from the situation. It's a difficult one.


So I'm somewhere between Anx and Cinnie's last comments... I think it is helpful to get it out there, for your own sake - who knows where it may lead?? But, sometimes, you just have to accept things are the way they are and move on. Go with your gut instinct.

Erin, you said that you loved your current relationship arrangement with your man - a great friendship with some awesome mind-blowing sex attached. You also said that you didn't want that arrangement to change.

But the fact that you have such intense feelings for him tells me that it already is changing. In fact, nearly all relationships go through this, and anything worth keeping is going to go through this stage anyway.

If he were just some kind of fuck buddy (or booty call as I would use it in normal conversation - hard to use the f-word in public), you'd have your way with him sexually until you got bored and moved on to the next boy toy. The fact that you had a deep friendship with this man before having sexual relations with him indicated that you already established some type of long-term relationship to begin with. The fact that you want him exclusively tells me that you are willing to take this relationship to the next level, but you obviously don't want the heartache of opening up the deepest part of yourself and being rejected.

The problem here is that this issue is inevitably going to surface, so you may as well confront it. What I am wondering about is what is causing you to have such a lack of self-confidence about your relationship. Are you afraid of commitment? Have you been in a long-term relationship in the past that went sour? Does your immediate family have difficulty keeping long-term relationships together? I don't know your personal history, but any past failures in your life or even in your parents' lives are going to have a profound effect on your psyche.

Just one more thing: if you really love this man and can envision yourself having children by him, raising a family, and traveling to Florida or Arizona to whisk away your retirement years together, then you owe it to yourself to tell this man how you feel. If not, then this probably has run its course and you need to move on to the next gentleman who can give you what you are looking for.

RodeoSchro said:

"Hoax" is quite an exaggeration, wouldn't you say? He feels that our approach is usually wrong (throwing pharmaceuticals into our bodies to try and fix problems that we could have prevented by healthier living). Here's a direct quote: "Not all pills are bad."

Sounds good to me.

RodeoSchro said:

You got his dialog correct but mine is way off.

DevotedPuppy said:

I'm not attempting to place blame on him or make him out to be the bad guy. That's totally not my style. In fact, I am more apt to constantly make excuses for and stick up for guys I am involved with, even the ones that are actually baddies.

I just can't seem to walk away from things when it comes to matters of the heart. Never been able to. I'd rather just be told what to do than actually try and do something myself. I've tried distancing myself in the past but I always eventually give in.

CarrieMpls said:

Ya, he was never just a friend and all those other situations you mentioned have nothing to do with mine so I don't see any reason to address them.

At the end of the day, I'm willing to not be friends anymore if it makes me happier in the long run.

728huey said:

Maybe.



I am gonna sound like a broken record here but a lot of my issues have to do with what I look like at the moment. I am fully convinced that I am not young enough, skinny enough, cute enough for anyone to want to be with me seriously. It seriously gets in the way of relationships.



No, I can't picture any of these things with him....or anyone for that matter. But especially not him.

Anyway, thanks to everyone who posted. This has been a very interesting thread. I'm not even sure what I am gonna do now. I might just walk away, keep myself as busy as I can with others or if the opportunity comes up I'll bring up wanting to be in something more committed.

But really, after thinking about this a lot last night. I now don't really think I am really in love with the dude, more like infatuated, obsessed, not with him per say but with the situation. It's gone on for years now. It's just to much for me now.

I think I have a ton of other things to work on before I can even go there with anyone anyway.

Thanks again.

cough chicken shit cough

tell him already

..
[Edited 10/31/07 7:14am]

JustErin said:

No problem. Good luck.

OK enough of this shit.....

Erin knows what she wants, she just needs a game plan. If you want him to chase after your coochie like crazy but just want to stay friends, may I suggest that you....

Get some Kamasutra Honey Dust Powder, or Love Oil, any flavor....accept no substitute.

When he comes over, greet him with a bare pussy (preferably in the buff) and completely dusted or oiled all over until you glisten.

When he's done sucking on you, you softly say,"I need you to f23k me good and hard tonight....'cause this should be the last time me and you get to do this."
Before he can answer, you go on to say, "Look our original plan was just to be friends with benefits, and I don't want to pressure you...but I'm looking into mastering tantric sex and I'm going to need a partner that can give it to me on a regular basis, and he must be monogamous with me so that we can learn at the same pace."

DO NOT get into any conversation with him at this point...just proceed to do him with all your heart,body and soul and do your best to turn his azz out.

Right after...you drop a cold washcloth on his D12k to jolt him out of any sleep and playfully slap him on the azz as he's walking out your door still putting his clothes on.

Later on, when he brings up the convo of your needing a partner for mastering sex, you direct him to www.tantrachair.com and explain to him that you are going to buy one and need a full time partner. Tell him that you would prefer that partner to be him...if not, then you'll have to cut the coochie off just to be fair to your full time partner, and reassure him that you two will stay friends.

I soo recommend that you buy one, I have one...my lover bought it for me, and everyone should have one! If you play your cards right he might help with the purchase....

If you do not decide to do this, then I hope this was a fun read. If you do, good luck to you and play the hell outta that playa.

peace and love....

paintedlady said:

yes, cause using sex to get what you want always works and is the best way to go about a relationship.

CarrieMpls said:

She said she just wanted to keep it as just a friendship....and in that situation she needs to work it out in that fashion....in a BF/GF situation she should just be honest. He's using his sex to get something outta her, she should do the same....don't hate on a playa....hate the game.

paintedlady said:

Actually, no, she said she wanted an exclusive relationship, which to me is more than a friendship.

And as for the rest, if there are no "playas" there are no games.


I've never understood that phrase.

CarrieMpls said:

i've always seen it as a tired quip people trot out when they want to justify using someone.

evenstar said:

I was going to say it's usually something somone says when they don't want to hold themselves accountable for being an asshole, but yeah, pretty much same thing.

Although, I'm not saying paintedlady was at all. I was a little harsh. I can see she was just giving a fun example and sometimes I shouldn't take things so serisouly.

But still, I hate the idea of anyone, women in particular, using sex to get what they want. We can do so much better. Like simply asking for what we deserve.

CarrieMpls said:

She's not a playa....but he is, she wants him to be exclusive with her. She wants to tell him how she feels without scaring him away, well she still can AFTER she establishes the monogamy and their relationship can grow from there. Erin said they were friends, so he must already care for her.....he just needs to be enticed to do the right thing....sex has always been a weapon for us, men and women alike, so there's nothing wrong with Erin using what God gave her so to speak. Love can be a game, its all in your perception of how you want to see it. I agree with what you said earlier, but Erin needs to take effective measures....if that means putting the ill na na on him, then so be it.

BTW I don't see it as Erin taking advantage of her friend by using sex because she said she really cares for him.....they are already having sex and I don't think she's trying to "trap" him or anything. Using sex might not be the most honorable method, but she's kinda stuck in a bad position right now, what ever she decides, I'm sure she'll do her best from there.

JustErin said:

I COMPLETELY understand that and it happens but if it doesn't go away then you'll know if it really is "love" or not... trust me you'll know... I wish you the best of all things with this

paintedlady said: