OK, here is an aspect that I really have a problem with. Gifting out of guilt. The thing that has been the hardest about being involved with my sister and the kids is having standards and ideals about how to raise them and how to teach them to be good people and their scumbag father has been there most of the way to tear down every inch of progress I or others have made for the kids. Therefore, they are fucking messes and there are days when they act out and it takes all of me to not beat the living shit out of them. That is what I feel sometimes but I never raise my hands to them because that is how their father treated them and I will NOT be his replacement in their life. I want to be a positive and loving force but there are those days.....especially since they are young teens. Good lord

Well, say there is a big drama and a blow up with the kids and they are out of control and you are trying to get them in line. Well later, I feel bad about this because they are messed up for a reason and I realize that and even though they may not deserve rewards or gifts or money or anything like that, I know I often give to them out of my guilt for being mean or harsh or coming down on them, but the reality is they need that because otherwise they would be like wild horses and completely out of control. Does anyone else deal with this? I know the thing to do is to have a Supernanny like approach but I'm no supernanny.

yeah what a dilemma

I'm pretty tough on my kids, if they do the wrong thing I take away their priviliges, like computer time etc. To get them to clean up they can have dessert or not, which always works but my kids are still little

Well make sure you keep it up because when they start getting hair on their balls, that's when the real ride begins

I love how candid you are.

I'd like a cat.

okay, I have a slight fear of adoption. Part of it stems from my belief in karma, that kids are not the result of nurturing, but what they come with. I have a good friend who adopted a baby who turned out to be severely psychotic. It caused a lot of heartached for her (still does) and the rest of the family. Her natural born kids were affected immensely. It is a nice idea, I do believe in it, but something about it feels uncomfortable.

Not that I can imagine going through childbirth, especially at this age.

thank you. I can't say these things to people I know well, how sad is that! my in laws would hate my guts

and the idea that a woman needs kids to have something to do, or to settle her down, or that she is somehow incomplete without children is a CLASSIC sexist attitude.

and I noted on this thread a couple of really happy dads (my husband is one such happy dad). I wonder what those mums would say asked how satisfactory they believe their situation is now and whether motherhood meets their expectations?

At least you are pursuing your creativity in whatever way you can. I don't have any kids and I still find it very, very difficult to find time to pursue my art. It's a constant frustration.

and the idea that a woman needs kids to have something to do, or to settle her down, or that she is somehow incomplete without children is a CLASSIC sexist attitude.

and I noted on this thread a couple of really happy dads (my husband is one such happy dad). I wonder what those mums would say asked how satisfactory they believe their situation is now and whether motherhood meets their expectations?

And how many of them would be happy if they had to spend as much time dealing with and caring for the kids as their wives?

sometimes I'm jealous of not having to sit in an office all day long. But that doesn't mean I want to take care of kids all day long either!

OK, here is an aspect that I really have a problem with. Gifting out of guilt. The thing that has been the hardest about being involved with my sister and the kids is having standards and ideals about how to raise them and how to teach them to be good people and their scumbag father has been there most of the way to tear down every inch of progress I or others have made for the kids. Therefore, they are fucking messes and there are days when they act out and it takes all of me to not beat the living shit out of them. That is what I feel sometimes but I never raise my hands to them because that is how their father treated them and I will NOT be his replacement in their life. I want to be a positive and loving force but there are those days.....especially since they are young teens. Good lord

Well, say there is a big drama and a blow up with the kids and they are out of control and you are trying to get them in line. Well later, I feel bad about this because they are messed up for a reason and I realize that and even though they may not deserve rewards or gifts or money or anything like that, I know I often give to them out of my guilt for being mean or harsh or coming down on them, but the reality is they need that because otherwise they would be like wild horses and completely out of control. Does anyone else deal with this? I know the thing to do is to have a Supernanny like approach but I'm no supernanny.

The only things your gifts mean to the kids - I'm venturing to bet - is that they remind them of their time with you.

Your time is worth waaay more. They are not done growing up yet.

Absolutely. Time is the best gift of all. Listening is a greater gift, I mean really taking interest in what they are saying.

I don't buy gifts for my nephew and nieces at Christmas time... but for their birthday, I try to make it unique and special for each one of them. I don't buy everything they ask for... but I do give them my 100% attention when they are with me or I, with them. ~Smile.

Yet, when there is a serious topic, my sister expects me to talk with my older nephews (age 13, 15). Just recently I told her... you need to approach matters yourself... that is why you may feel so out of the loop with them... (I feel). She is doing better and I continue to support the discussions as I see fit (such as school, staying away from drugs, personal interests...etc). Their father is not present and it's best that he is not (on an extreme level). It's no wonder they need a father figure and they had that when I was married (per say), but still... it will be a missing component that will forever affect their lives. So, I do the best I can... to offer that avenue to talk, with no fears... but they do expect the truth when I do share with them what I feel is to be right.

So, listening.. is huge.

sometimes I'm jealous of not having to sit in an office all day long. But that doesn't mean I want to take care of kids all day long either!

If you had to full time care for a baby or mulitple children, you would be begging for your cube

There was a famous study done by sociologist Arlie Hochschild (The Second Shift) that determined that mothers were "fleeing" to work. That it was actually much easier and peaceful to go to work than to be a full time homemaker.