.

Avenue Road.

What's wrong with the old one?

There has been a theft at Euro Disney. A man has been charged with taking the Mickey.

What did the cowboy say at the car show?

Audi.

Two packets of crisps were walking along the road. A passing car stopped and the driver asked if they would like a lift.

"No thanks," said the crisps, "we're Walkers

I think we're in for a bad spell of wether.

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin

The other day, my husband and I bought our small son a jigsaw to keep him occupied while we went out.

Imagine our surprise when, four hours later, we came back to find that he had cut his fingers off!!

I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

MAN ON PHONE: "How long does it take to fly to Hong Kong?"
TRAVEL AGENT: "Just a minute, sir. . ."
MAN ON PHONE: "Thanks very much".

my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

Bacteria: The rear portion of the cafeteria!

"Who was that lady I seen you with last night?"

"You mean 'I saw.'"

"Ok, who was that eyesore I seen you with last night?"

Customer: I'd like a pair of stockings for my wife.

Storekeeper: Sheer?

Customer: No, she's at home.

PricelessHo said:

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought 'he's trying to pull a fast one'.

What's red and sits in the corner?

A naughty strawberry.

Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped off the Eiffel Tower?

He was classified in Seine.

I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions

jami0mckay said:

What's black white black white black white, red red red red?

A nun in a blender.

PricelessHo said:

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down

it is so hard to stop

Why does it suck to be and egg?

1. you only get laid once
2. the only woman that ever sits on your face is your mom
3. it takes you 3 minutes to get hard
4 you cum in a box with 11 others

PricelessHo said:

as long as you don't tell these jokes alone at night, then you should worry

EVER WONDER ....

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't
they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

A horse walks in to a bar.....

The bar man says "why the long face"

A penguin walks into a bar and asks for a sandwich and a pint!
The bartender is astounded by this talking flightless bird and asks about his life.
The penguin goes on to explain that he is working at the building site across the road.
Weeks go by and the penguin becomes a regular lunchtime fixture at the bar.
One day a circus comes to town and who should walk into the pub, but the ringmaster.
He starts chatting to the barman and learns of the talking penguin who frequents his establishment.
Amazed at this and somewhat skeptical, the ringmaster retorts that if this is true then he would draw
in the crowds with an act such as a talking Antarctic bird. The barman says that the penguin should be in soon as it was nearly lunchtime.
So the King of the Ring sits in the corner and waits.
Sure enough in walks the penguins and orders his pint of Guinness and his tuna sandwich.
The ringmaster walks over after hearing the penguin's food request to introduce himself to the amazing bird.
"Hello there," said the Ringmaster, "I run the circus that's in town and I am always on the lookout for new talent.
Can I offer you a job?"
"Is it that big tent in the park?" said the penguin.
"Yes," replied the Ringmaster.
"The big round tent with the pole sticking out at the top and the flaps and ropes?"
"Yes, Yes my feathered friend."
"Don't be daft," said the penguin. "I'm a plasterer!" and walked back to the building site.

A turd and a cap walk in to a bar.
The turd says "2 pints and 2 whiskey chasers please bar keep"
The bar man says "i am not serving you 2"
The cap says "why the hell not?"
The bar man says" coz you are off your head and he is steaming"

A panda walks into a café. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and proceeds to fire it at the other patrons.

“Why?” asks the confused, surviving waiter amidst the carnage, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.

“Well, I’m a panda,” he says at the door. “Look it up.”

The waiter turns to the relevant entry in the manual and, sure enough, finds an explanation. “Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves.”

by the Two Ronnies
--

RB (to barmaid): Good evening. Tickle your botty with a feather tonight

Barmaid: I beg your pardon?

RB: Particularly grotty weather tonight

Barmain: oh. yes, isn't it.

RB: That sweater looks a little risky

Barmaid: Pardon?

RB: I said, i'd better have a little whisky

Barmaid: oh. i thought you said something about my sweater

RB: no no - that's very nice

Barmaid: thank you

RB: mustn't get the hiccups or they'll fall out

Barmaid: what did you say?

RB: i said, i've just heard the cricket score, they're all out

RB moves over RC and gir, who had her arm around RC's neck.

RB - who's this silly ass with the ugly daughter?

RC - i beg your pardon?

RB - i said, i wonder if you'd pass the jug of water

RC - oh

He does so

RB: thanks awfully, you dozy fish-face

RC: pardon?

RB: I said, thanks - awfully cosy, this place.

RC: you know, if you don't mind my saying, so you seem to sound as if you're saying things other than what you say you are saying, if you understand me

RB: oh dear, i'm afraid it's the moustache, it sort of muffles the sound. my wife likes it so, otherwise i'd shave it off, and drown it in the sink

GIRL: otherwise you'd what?

RB: shave it off - i'm sounding indistinct

GIRL: oh, quite

RB: you're a nice girl - do you drop'em, for a friend?

GIRL - what?!

RB: i said, have you dropped in on your friend?

GIRL - oh no, he's my boss. he's an accountant

RB: oh i see, my name's Gollinson, by the way. I sell long hooters to alligators

RC: you what?

RB: I sell computers and calculators, so this is your secertary, eh?

The girl exits with RC.

Barmaid - funny sort of chap

RB yes, but let's talk about you. you'll never drown, with those water wings

barmaind - i beg your pardon?

RB - you should wear brown with those sort of things

barmaid - it's not really your moustache - you're actually saying those things on purpose, aren't you?

RB - only trying to drum up a little trade, that's all

Barmaid - what sort of trades?

RB - i sell deaf-aids
[Edited 10/15/07 1:41am]

prb said: