(((Ivy)))

I'm so sorry for your pain. I know exactly what you mean about not wanting to feel sorry for yourself when others have it so much worse. But you know what? You can't know others' pain -- you can only really feel your own. And if you feel bad, then you feel bad -- and there's no point making comparisons or trying to make it relative. I don't know all of what you deal with, but I know some of it -- and believe me, it's nothing trivial. You have every right and reason to feel overwhelmed.

Please, please, please talk a professional. There are so many ways they can help you -- and you are deserving and worthy of every bit of it.

Genesia said:

Lothan said:

I love you, girl. You're one of my "laugh at the stupidest shit ever" folks -- and I need you!

I feel what you're saying, Ivy. I struggle with depression too and had to quit my last job because of it. My former boss had NO CLUE as to what depression was or how it can affect a person. It truly sux, and I hope things improve for you.

I wish I had something wise or consoling that I could say to help take some of the load off... ...but being that I myself am nuttier than a Nutter Butter bar I guess all I can offer is a big big one of these

I wish I could say something uplifting, Ivy . You seem to be such a strong person, it must be a lot of pressure you feel to match your own expecations and those others might have as well .
I feel depessed myself for some time now and I can relate a lot with what you are saying about others who got it worse. I feel almost ashamed that I am not able to deal with the situation I am in a better way .
And your example of the plane crash reminded me that although I never in my life have thought about comitting suicide the last time I was in a plane I just wished it would crash into the ocean while at the same time I felt guitly about my thoughts as I didn't want that anything bad would happen to any other passenger.
Let me just give you a hug .

I've had to live with depression most of my life and there seems to be a genetic component to it , it runs in my family.
What I found helps the most is mindfulness. Just staying in the moment and distracting myself away from the pain. Much easier said than done.
I did a course of DBT therapy (dialectical behavior therapy) that really taught me a lot about how to handle depressive thoughts. It's a really intensive therapy but so worth the effort.

I hope things start looking up for you.

oh dear. you know i understand. pain is pain and there is no competition with it. there are a lot of things i go through but don't talk about so i understand. i really don't know what to say. i wish had words to give instant solutions. Just take one day at a time. don't ever get tired. you don't want the odds to win

psychodelicide said:

nancy
my boss is very understanding, when i had a really bad time a few yrs back- i was given the time i needed 4 counselling etc- depression has been a part of my life 4 a very long time- and with that comes anxiety /panic attacks - but all is good at the mo


lothan

shellyevon said:

is that the same as CBT cognitive behavioural therapy? CBT has helped me- makes me think about things in a different way

I wish there was something I could do to help you. The only thing I've ever known people with depression to do is to medicate but it doesn't sound like it's chemical with you but more of just tired of carrying the world on your shoulders. I'm not sure how you do it to be honest, I mean I've known people who had less on their shoulders and couldn't do it. You're so strong and to me, almost saint-like in your unconditional love for people here and in your life, then you have the fam to deal with. If there's anything I can do for you please let me know, if it's in my power I will. "Respect" for you and how you handle the hand you've been dealt, isn't a strong enough word...

edit- The other thing that has helped me is someone offering another perspective. Like you could be doing the same job you're doing in a third world country for a portion of the pay. You could have your family but in Iraq right now. You could have a disease that would mean that you wouldn't be around much longer to care for the people you love...
[Edited 10/8/07 16:40pm]

Bad times don't last.

Ivy..... !!!!! Sometimes I wonder if sadness is a permanent part of my life. I am involved in helping family in my life and some days I am drained of all energy. Sometimes it feels like the sadness will never end. I have enormous respect for the decions you have made to care for your family and I wish I was lotteried so I could rescue you from the money end of it. Like others, my words can hardly change your life but alwasy remember you do have friends you can turn to for emotional support. You do.....

Imagine if you were happy all the time, would you know it if you didnt know sadness?

Ivy, I'll properly respond tonight. Love you.

you Ivy

it all feels like such heavy burden heaped on top of you
and why you?

I don't know if we are a sadder bunch than most, but we probably share our feelings more with each other here than with our real life friends, so the truth comes out here.

I know the more I dwell on it, the sadder I feel for longer. I probably wouldn't so much if I was immersing myself in MY OWN life more, instead of talking in circles about all my problems to online friends going through the same thing, also with no seeming way out and it feels hopeless

biiiiig to you Ivy... very much in the same way right now

hang in there

Lothan said:

Tired, in reference to this subject, is a word that leaves a sick feeling in my stomach.

About ten years ago, I lost a very good friend, she also used the word 'tired' to describe her depression and general state of being. Used it constantly, in fact. I didn't realize that what she was tired of was waking up in the morning. That just facing the day, was absolutely gut wrenching for her. I suppose when you're feeling that tired, all the time, a normal reaction (in her mind) was to want to sleep.

I hope, pray, that you can find some relief for whatever it is you're going thru.

it makes me mad to think about the way mainstream society (including the medical community) treats depression and mental illness.

if you have a flu or cancer or whatever, that's considered an illness and you're given treatment and medication.

if you suffer from depression, then there's "something wrong with you" and "you just need to learn how to get over it" and all that other annoying "buck up!" crap.

i think depression is like a pneumonia of the soul and i *DO* think it's treatable and manageable, if only people who suffered from it were able to access proper help and not feel ostracized for getting such help.

it's stupid. the mind is part of what we are. it's not some separate magic thingamabob that doesn't require maintenance and only malfunctions "if you're a bad person". people fuck you up. life fucks you up. the chemicals in your body can fuck you up. and these things need to be addressed, obviously...yet in the world i live in, that kind of care is considered a luxury. i hate that.

i HATE that.

ivy, push against the current and get that help. don't let anyone make you feel like you don't deserve it or that you can't access it, or that there's "no time" for them to help you, etc. give them hell. check out howard brown or the new LGBT center on halsted, i bet they have mental health services with people who may even be more helpful than specialists you'd encounter via your medical plan. you need to connect with people who can walk through the maze of your feelings and who can figure out the wiring and the plumbing and all that stuff to get to the core of the problem. i hope you are able to find those people. i'm sure they're out there. in the meantime, you know you have a lot of people who love ya and can at least distract you with silliness or who can listen when you need to be heard.

Anxiety said:

Co-Sign and read the Org note.

prb said:

I'm sorry to hear that you too suffer from depression. You're lucky that your boss was understanding, my boss was totally clueless (and even admitted to not knowing anything about depression). How anyone can not know anything about depression is incomprehensible to me, since you hear about it on TV commercials, the news, in the media, etc. etc. I can only hope that my asshole former boss gets a clue one day.
[Edited 10/8/07 20:08pm]

(((((Ivy))))) To the days you need strength but seemingly cannot find it... it is there, it's everywhere.

It can be in the unseen wind we feel brush against our skin, the wind that blows through our hair or sends the trees swaying or a piece of paper rolling down a deserted street.

Or unexpected moments, such as a moment today... I had, I have many. Just a few hours ago I went to get my battery changed in my car and as the guy at Auto Zone was so kind to change the battery for me, I looked for some money to tip him... I asked, do people get tipped here for doing this!? He kept saying, no don't worry about it... as he picked up the bad battery and tools and was stepping backward away...

I was still looking for a few bucks, I know I had some... somewhere... but instead I ran across two Harkin Movie tickets...

I said, hey!, I can't find my cash, but.... I have 2 movie tickets and placed them quickly on top of the battery as he was still walking backward through the doors... The value of the tickets was a pretty nice tip... I would say. Good moment and I was thankful. So the story goes... it's in the moments sometimes that bring us our joys... the moments of something so simple and unexpected.

I don't struggle with sad moments too much, but I do require a lot of time alone lately... and I feel content when I am. I don't have children or too many obligations...

Hey, just this evening... I told my aunt (my aunt who raised me and who is almost 80), I told her that having her here I feel I am living life more than when I am alone. I told her most days I work (work hard) and come home, only to await for the next day of work. Having her here, we have dinner together, I take her places she wishes to go... it's nice having her around. She is most likely going back home this weekend... even if I wish they would just move up here...

I am not lonely, I have a special person in my life... but no, my life is not ideal right now, but it is comfortable and it is very fulfilling, even if I do for the most part demand a lot of time alone.

Knowing all the saddness is something too much for me to know... If saddness seems overwhelming to me Ivy, you better bet I will not be bringing my saddness around a lot saddness... I will take it to a place where my soul can be fed, nourished and reborn. Knowing these vital "food for life" places, people and things are very important to recognized and I know mine. You must find yours. When you do, you will know.

I just rambled...
[Edited 10/8/07 20:29pm]

but what an absolutely beautiful ramble it was (((Jules)))

Ivy baby, clinical depression is a disease just as diabetes and situations do trigger episodes. There are treatments for depression that work very well. However, finding the right one is the task that seems overwhelming when U are already overwhelmed. Make the call. i will get my happy ass back on that plane, don’t think i won’t

Miss U already! Much love my sweet. Talk with U 2morrow.

psychodelicide said:

I had a very rough time with employers when I was in the midst of the worst of it. I tried to explain. . . I just needed a little understanding, perhaps a reduction in hours. . . I was TRYING to get it under control (which I eventually did). They seemed to think I was just a weak, lame person. Wheras if I had broken my leg or had some sort of curable cancer, all would have been fine.

Sometimes people sux.

Anxiety said:

MAN, I wish the DSM explained depression exactly like you do in bold.

Good advice.

Listen to the man, Lothan. And please be well. You are so loved.

Ivy, I love you.

prb said:

No but it uses some cognitive methods along with mindfulness.
It's very intensive- one private therapy to discuss issues that come up during the week and a 2-3 hour group session that teaches specific skills that are broken down into 4 modules: core mindfulness skills, emotion regulation skills, interpersonal effectiveness skills and distress tolerance skills
Self-injurious and suicidal behaviors take first priority, followed by therapy interfering behaviors. Then there are quality of life issues and finally working towards improving one's life generally.
We attended a 20 week long program but there are groups that take much longer 70 weeks or more at times. It is a huge commitment but very worthwhile
Oh and you get 24/7 access to a therapist for the duration of the program.
They expect you to call both if you're having problems or if you have something good to share.
[Edited 10/8/07 21:38pm]

HereToRockYourWorld said:

at my previous work place- things were a little hit or miss- but my immediate collegue was very understanding- she had a friend in similar circumstances- ive been very lucky i guess.- couldnt have gotten thru it otherwise- and kept working.