Some days, I feel very melacholy. Others, I feel downright depressed. I've been battling depression since I was 14 years old. Those of you close to me know my current situation. For those who don't, let's just say I am extremely overwhelmed. I am the caretaker of my whole family and a lot of the time, I am sick of it.

Anyway, I reach some low points in my life where I don't fee like I'll ever be able to raise my head again. Being a Prince fan, it is also a trait that I notice about his fans. A lot of us are a caring bunch but I think a common link is the general sadness we feel.

I go through a lot on an everyday basis but I know there are people worse off. I try to think of them when I'm feeling sorry for myself, but these overwhelming feelings of just grief overcome me. Is it selfish to be so sad, so depressed to the point of wanting to end it all when there are friends of mine who are ill and want nothing more than to live? Is it selfish to think of only my pain and not care about the children I would leave behind should I decide to end it all?

Over the weekend, I boarded a plane. I hate flying but being on that plane made me think. My biggest fear was that the plane would crash. Now if I were truly wanting to die, then a plane crashing would not have mattered. Then I wondered if my fear was a plane crash was not my preferred way of leaving the earth. I would want it to be painless as possible.

Another though occurred to me that it's not that I don't want to live anymore, but that I am tired of the pain. I mean, who can I turn to for help? I have been reaching out for help in my situation for years now.

For those of you that are tired, I know exactly how you feel.

At your choosing, travelling all over the place sounds like a wonderful life /advantage to me
[Edited 10/8/07 7:34am]

Oh Ivy...

I'm sorry you're feeling so sad.

I have often had the same thoughts as you. I have felt overwhelmed and sad and just been completely depressed. But, then someone will say how I should be thankful for things because so and so has it worse. Yes, it is true that there are many who suffer far worse than you or I do. However, I don't think it means that your hurt and sadness isn't valid. Your feelings are what they are and I don't think it means that you don't recognize others' suffering. It just means that you are hurting! We all have our heartaches and pain.

Some of what you're writing scares me though to be honest. Talking about ending it all. I am not in your situation, so I don't want to tell you not to worry about it or to just get over it. I do hope that you will talk to someone about your feelings. Sometimes just having a support person to talk to and get things off your chest helps a lot.

Orgnote me if you want or need to.

some of what u say strikes a chord with me

i used to uncontrollably cry my eyes out when my step mom would come and get me from my grandmothers, even though i lived less than a quarter mile from her. so my step-mom decided i couldnt go see her any more.



[Edited 10/8/07 7:42am]

Love to you beautiful soul - I can relate to the many of the things you feel

I have been in this shadowed area on and off most my life but can't seem to find a door really since TR's cancer ( over 18 months now ) I too am tired of it and sometimes what off the ride

horatio said:

A lot of planning goes into taking trips. There is only one person I can depend on to take care of my autistic son and that is my 84 year old grandmother. As a result, I just end up staying home instead of getting away from it all for just a little while.

mdiver said:

Your kindness to me will never go unappreciated.

hokie1 said:

Thank you Jill.

I have wonderful friends that i talk to about this stuff but sometimes it's hard when they have their own sadness and problems. I don't want to add to that, you know?

i was just on the phone with a friend who's going through some stuff but we've always been there for each other. I told him I'd talk to someone professionally.

jami0mckay said:

Mach said:

First


The topic of depression has been brought up here before and it is something I am usually drawn to knowing more about.
Depression has been a life long problem for me..I have been told mine is situational. In any event I have tried to keep it under control my entire life- it started back as far as I can remember.
I wish I could tell you how to feel better and how to make those sad feelings go away. For me I think it will be a struggle I will always live with - it is within me and I carry it every where I go.
The hardest part for me is that I cannot get away from myself. I have no real close friends or family really especially since I moved so I cannot blame others around me for the feelings I have.
I some times wish I could get a break from myself.

I hope you feel better knowing that we all love you Ivy and you have our support and understanding here.

Lothan said:

I meant to edit so it said A lot of what u say strikes a chord

Lothan said:

I know EXACTlY how you feel...there are good days and bad days, just take them as they come.

I understand.

And I love you.

I wish I had answers.

this too, shall pass

XxAxX said:

Sometimes it seems like it comes back around so fast that it doesn't matter.

Dauphin said:

Only you can prevent psychotic law infocement agents
[Edited 10/8/07 8:45am]

Lothan said:

I understand how you feel, we have all been there at some point in our lives, the pain gets worse when it does not seem to end. You are the only one who can stop it. You have to focus on the good, set yourself realistic goals.
I truly believe that we all have something good to offer, this is what you do as you take care of your family but you also have to find out what is good for yourself. Just reflect on what makes you happy, don't think about what you can't have for the moment, focus on what can make you happy. If you don't know, it means that you have been focusing on negative thoughts far too much and we all know it is not productive.
Don't think about what others have, we have all different ways to feel happy. You have to take care of yourself because no one will, it sounds harsh but as Beyonce would say "Me myself that's all I got in the end".
It is in fact a truly positive message. Friends and family can support you but you are the one who hold the key to your happiness.
The good thing is that you are not in denial, you are a thinking and caring individual.
There was a time when I felt depressed and I had give myself a good kick in the butt (this is an image orgers ) and I thought... I may have 40 and 50 or more years left to live, I could not bear to stay that way, I had to find other ways to first make life more bearable and then to enjoy it to the full. Other people would say that you never know what could happen to you tomorrow, this is the same idea.
You have a gift: LIFE. You are a human being with love, conscience, thoughts, principles.... You are wonderful and you are the only one who can truly believe it and feel it.
Don't give up on yourself, you are truly worth it.
I don't know you but these facts are relevant to everybody.
I am not a believer either but I always say that I believe in people.
Good luck with everything and celebrate life!.

All the best, Suzie

Lothan said:

Friends are friends babe

Sis, please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers..

And if I remember correctly, you have my number...I'm a phone call away.

horatio said:

just trying to help cheer up

Lothan said:


I find that interesting as I am a Prince fan and I live my life in a state of almost delirious happiness (at the very least a very high level of contentment) and for the most part my wife does as well (another Prince fan). I don't think it's Prince fans that are any more sad then anyone else it's just that a very high percentage of the world is sad. I have theories on why this is but they are rather complicated to get into on a message board.

Hello sweetness ~ you know how much I love and respect you. Sometimes it seems as though we expend so much of our energy and our soul to care for others ~ to make a nice life for them and ease their pain but we see so little change. That is the disheartening part of it ~ and, we run out of internal resources. You are an empath as are so many here. Like Lovemachine siad, a bit complicated to write about but any time you want to talk just call. You have fabulous friends and a rich life but you face some tremendous trials in it daily and that can suck the core out of you. It is important to find your Sanctuary and retreat whenever you need to. When I get into that darkness, I go with it and wade thorugh it until it subsides. The tricky part is knowing when you can't handle it alone ~ when you need to call someone. For me, one extraordinary friend and an amazing counselor were literally life saving. The friend was there whenever I needed him with a lovng, caring heart and an intuitive spirit. The counselor helped unravel some dangerous territory. They both provided that saftey net that allows you to venture into deep water and begin to heal. You already have the friend ~ remarkably we share that. I would strongly urge you to contact a counselor ~ ask around to find a great one. You'll start to hear the same name over again which can be a good indication for the direction (I had a horrible one first but was in such a drakness I didn't recognize how bad he was ~ trust your intuition). Give yourself grace ~ and space from your daily grind. Is there anyone at all who can help with your son? Even a group that could provide an occasional weekend respite would be a Godsend for you. I love you, Ivy and if there is any way I can help you know where I am!

I know exactly what you mean. Things get so overwhelming for me sometimes that I just was to run the hell away and never come back. But somehow, we manage to press on, don't we?

I just really hope that things improve for you. .

I wish I would've been able to talk to you about this on the weekend.

I really hope you hang in there. You are such a wonderful soul. After my best friend died I went through a depression. The thing was, I didn't know I was depressed. I know a little about how that feels. We all are different though.
I can't believe you battled your phobia! That is so great. I HATED flying for a very long time. I'm a little better now. You just have to do it more. I digress.

Please please keep talking about this with us. You may get some wisdom from some people around here or you may impart some of your own to others that also need it.

I think feeling sad is normal. No one is happy all the time. It's what separates us from the animals, I guess.

When you're feeling down, try to think of yourself as I think of you. As an incredible woman who has several people that depend on her for their very life.

How awesome is that? You are able to keep several people alive! I don't mean you provide them with an option of where they might want to eat, drink and sleep on any particular day.

No, your efforts actually mean they will wake up tomorrow alive! To them, you are the greatest gift God could ever give.

And we all think that, too!