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14 year old daughters.. Ok, so I am at a loss and need your guys help. I have never done a "I need your help" thread so bare with me.
My perfect "little Angel" of a daughter, has now turned 14, is a freshmen in high school, and has mastered the fine art of being a teenager. She is sarcastic, rolls her eyes at me, bratty, smart ass, would rather listen to her ipod at all times of day then to talk to her old Mom, has her first real boyfriend (god help me), all of those things I dreaded, are now my reality. Please give me your advise if you have been through this. I was a teenager, and remember doing all of this to my Mom, she drank. I do not want to go that route, please help!!! | |
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I guess you could say karma has come back and kicked me in the butt. She has turned in to me at her age.  | |
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Gosh!! I have no advice to offer. I really think that to a degree all kids go through that stage. I don't care how great the mother/daughter relationship is. I have 2 sons but they're young. I remember what I was like at that age. The same as you describe your daughter. I can tell you that on the outside I was rebelling, but that for the most part my morals and what my parents had taught me remained intact.
I feel for you.  Sometimes I joke that I'm glad I don't have daughters for this very reason.  You'll get through it I'm sure. But, I'm sure there are other orgers with better advice than I. | |
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hokie1 said: Gosh!! I have no advice to offer. I really think that to a degree all kids go through that stage. I don't care how great the mother/daughter relationship is. I have 2 sons but they're young. I remember what I was like at that age. The same as you describe your daughter. I can tell you that on the outside I was rebelling, but that for the most part my morals and what my parents had taught me remained intact.
I feel for you. Sometimes I joke that I'm glad I don't have daughters for this very reason. You'll get through it I'm sure. But, I'm sure there are other orgers with better advice than I.Doesn't help that I have a son who is now 24, and always was picture perfect in every way, so this is all foreign to me. | |
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I have a 14 year old daughter as well  ...and SHE has HER first "bf" as well, too lol...  
Thanksfully she hasn't gone through the rest yet (emphasis on "yet" lol)...she's still pretty respectful and enjoys spending her time with her mom and me and with family. I'll be keeping up with this thread because I may need the same advice sooner than I know...lol Good luck  ... | |
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Byron said: I have a 14 year old daughter as well
...and SHE has HER first "bf" as well, too lol...
Thanksfully she hasn't gone through the rest yet (emphasis on "yet" lol)...she's still pretty respectful and enjoys spending her time with her mom and me and with family. I'll be keeping up with this thread because I may need the same advice sooner than I know...lol Good luck ...Thanks Byron, she use to love family outtings etc. now she would rather get her wisdom teeth pulled them spend time with us. She always "has plans" my problem is in setting boundaries, I do not want to shut her in, but hell..I also do not want her out and about, scary stuff. | |
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2 daughters - one is now almost 29 and the other will be 16 in Nov
Jess ( the 15 yr old ) is a very balanced busy girl - she too has her 1st ever boyfriend and she keeps him in line far more then I need to She is active in sports and dance and school student body office and DECA
I think being an involved active student helps her to not take on some of the "teenage" crap that I se some of her peers now doing She loves to listen to her music yes but is never disrespectful with it when I need to speak to her - she holds eye contact and i have yet to see an eyeroll from her I allow her her free time to be a teen self centered girl and I also insisnt she takes part in family matter to earn that alone / free time we talk - like friends with respect and when I have to speak to her as "Mom" she listens I help her with whatever she needs/wants as in rides and support and supervision her friends are always welcome in our home and we take the time and effort to get to know other parents .  not much advice 
. [Edited 10/3/07 11:54am] | |
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whatever you do, don't be sarcastic back at her. it undermines your authority as a parent more than anything else, i think.  | |
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evenstar said: whatever you do, don't be sarcastic back at her. it undermines your authority as a parent more than anything else, i think. I agree | |
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and if she's acting really bratty suddenly, lashing out & stuff, there's probably something crappy going on with her school life/friends. just be open for her to talk to you without asking too many questions or passing judgment. | |
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Mach said: 2 daughters - one is now almost 29 and the other will be 16 in Nov
Jess ( the 15 yr old ) is a very balanced busy girl - she too has her 1st ever boyfriend and she keeps him in line far more then I need to She is active in sports and dance and school student body office and DECA
I think being an involved active student helps her to not take on some of the "teenage" crap that I se some of her peers now doing She loves to listen to her music yes but is never disrespectful with it when I need to speak to her - she holds eye contact and i have yet to see an eyeroll from her I allow her her free time to be a teen self centered girl and I also insisnt she takes part in family matter to earn that alone / free time we talk - like friends with respect and when I have to speak to her as "Mom" she listens I help her with whatever she needs/wants as in rides and support and supervision her friends are always welcome in our home and we take the time and effort to get to know other parents . not much advice
. [Edited 10/3/07 11:54am] Thanks Mach! It does help, it just helps to know that there are other Moms/Dads in the world out there going through what I am right now also. She has always been active in sports through junior high. at this high school (a small private school with only 31 students) there are no sport teams, not enough students. I think my next plan of action will be getting her in a non-school activity/sport...keep her busy! Always a good plan! 
thanks!! | |
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When Jess gets under a little stress and begins to act out I find something she loves to do - like she LOVES to bake
I take her to the store and let her buy what she needs to make her fave thing and then I offer to help or allow her space to do it herself she also loves to dance/work with fire - so i will say hey can you teach me how to do a fire trace ( again ) or eat fire - OH you are out of supplies - let's go get some I try to elevate her to the teacher/adult place and allow myself to become her student or peer and show her that I too can learn from her and that she is bright | |
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evenstar said: whatever you do, don't be sarcastic back at her. it undermines your authority as a parent more than anything else, i think.
oohh but she is soo good at that! I'll be strong! | |
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evenstar said: and if she's acting really bratty suddenly, lashing out & stuff, there's probably something crappy going on with her school life/friends. just be open for her to talk to you without asking too many questions or passing judgment.
I know where the really bratty adittude is coming from, it's from me not letting her spend enough time with the boyfriend. they go to separate schools. | |
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Very difficult to answer. My oldest daughter turned 15 last July. Fortunately she has not "rebelled" against us (at least not that we know of). I think a big part is setting boundaries and expectations way ahead of time.
She loves her Ipod, myspace, going to movies, and going to quinceaneras with her cousins. But she knows that if her grades drop, or if she does something behind our backs like have a boyfriend without letting us know, the things she enjoy most will be taken away or limited. Also it is all about maintaining a balance. Being too strict or too lenient often have very bad outcomes. You have to give them enough freedom to grow and learn, but set enough boundaries to help them make it through. We just hope that we have educated our daughter well enough that she makes good decisions. And when she does make a mistake, she does not make it worse by making more bad decisions. She has earned our trust and her many freedoms, but she also knows all of that can be taken away if she makes bad decisions. "Always blessings, never losses......"
Ya te dije....no manches guey!!!!!  I'm a guy!!!!
"....i can open my-eyes "underwater"..there4 i will NOT drown...." - mzkqueen03  | |
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OK, maybe this is different as I am not their father and they are boys but with my nephews, I speak to them matter of fact like what I'm saying is no big deal even though the subject matter is usually too hardcore for their mom to talk about I let them know I'm not afraid to talk about their lives and the choices that they should hopefully make. They are still bratty and stuff but hopefully they know that they can talk to me about anything.
As for your son, was he really picture perfect or did you do that thing that so many moms do and coddle their sons despite their behavior and favor them over their daughter? Is it possible she has jealousy issues over your son? [Edited 10/3/07 12:16pm] 2010: Healing the Wounds of the Past.... http://prince.org/msg/8/325740 | |
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Sowhat said: Very difficult to answer. My oldest daughter turned 15 last July. Fortunately she has not "rebelled" against us (at least not that we know of). I think a big part is setting boundaries and expectations way ahead of time.
She loves her Ipod, myspace, going to movies, and going to quinceaneras with her cousins. But she knows that if her grades drop, or if she does something behind our backs like have a boyfriend without letting us know, the things she enjoy most will be taken away or limited. Also it is all about maintaining a balance. Being too strict or too lenient often have very bad outcomes. You have to give them enough freedom to grow and learn, but set enough boundaries to help them make it through. We just hope that we have educated our daughter well enough that she makes good decisions. And when she does make a mistake, she does not make it worse by making more bad decisions. She has earned our trust and her many freedoms, but she also knows all of that can be taken away if she makes bad decisions. thank you my friend, I know you have a very beautiful daughter indeed! This just all came about so fast, caught me off guard if you will. I have taught her right from wrong from a very early age, and I feel in my heart she will always do the right thing. But still, life has changed since we were kids, no there is just so much out there, and I get scared and jumpy. I must believe in her, trust her, but I will keep my eyes and ears open!!!! | |
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PaisleyPark5083 said: evenstar said: and if she's acting really bratty suddenly, lashing out & stuff, there's probably something crappy going on with her school life/friends. just be open for her to talk to you without asking too many questions or passing judgment.
I know where the really bratty adittude is coming from, it's from me not letting her spend enough time with the boyfriend. they go to separate schools. she is passing her classes yes ? and stays outta trouble mostly ? | |
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PaisleyPark5083 said: evenstar said: and if she's acting really bratty suddenly, lashing out & stuff, there's probably something crappy going on with her school life/friends. just be open for her to talk to you without asking too many questions or passing judgment.
I know where the really bratty adittude is coming from, it's from me not letting her spend enough time with the boyfriend. they go to separate schools. aaah, i remember that. it's tough. just try to trust her if she's a good kid, too. my parents never trusted me. my mom still thinks i'm lying to this day when i tell them that i didn't get drunk before i turned 21, and that i haven't tried drugs. | |
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2010: Healing the Wounds of the Past.... http://prince.org/msg/8/325740 | |
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SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said: OK, maybe this is different as I am not their father and they are boys but with my nephews, I speak to them matter of fact like what I'm saying is no big deal even though the subject matter is usually too hardcore for their mom to talk about
I let them know I'm not afraid to talk about their lives and the choices that they should hopefully make. They are still bratty and stuff but hopefully they know that they can talk to me about anything.
As for your son, was he really picture perfect or did you do that thing that so many moms do and coddle their sons despite their behavior and favor them over their daughter? Is it possible she has jealousy issues over your son? [Edited 10/3/07 12:16pm] No my son was and is picture perfect. He was always a straight A student, all honors classes, never really had a social life, he had hours and hours of homework to keep him busy. And he always had the nerdy/geeky type friends that always stayed out of trouble also. his idea of a fun saturday night was having all his friends come to our house to play video games, no lie!! | |
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Also, she's 14.....first boyfriend..... that can lead to a lot of trouble She's got "love" and that is some strong shit. If you haven't had the sex talk with her maybe you should think about it.2010: Healing the Wounds of the Past.... http://prince.org/msg/8/325740 | |
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Mach said: PaisleyPark5083 said: I know where the really bratty adittude is coming from, it's from me not letting her spend enough time with the boyfriend. they go to separate schools. she is passing her classes yes ? and stays outta trouble mostly ? her dad has had it with this guy, he would live here if he could. she does do all her homework, it is mandatory for her school to send out progress reports every friday. | |
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PaisleyPark5083 said: SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said: OK, maybe this is different as I am not their father and they are boys but with my nephews, I speak to them matter of fact like what I'm saying is no big deal even though the subject matter is usually too hardcore for their mom to talk about
I let them know I'm not afraid to talk about their lives and the choices that they should hopefully make. They are still bratty and stuff but hopefully they know that they can talk to me about anything.
As for your son, was he really picture perfect or did you do that thing that so many moms do and coddle their sons despite their behavior and favor them over their daughter? Is it possible she has jealousy issues over your son? [Edited 10/3/07 12:16pm] No my son was and is picture perfect. He was always a straight A student, all honors classes, never really had a social life, he had hours and hours of homework to keep him busy. And he always had the nerdy/geeky type friends that always stayed out of trouble also. his idea of a fun saturday night was having all his friends come to our house to play video games, no lie!! i'm not saying that you do, but don't compare them or do the 'why can't you be more like your sibling!' thing. it really sucks. | |
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PaisleyPark5083 said: Mach said: Have him over more (?) Offer to take them places
she is passing her classes yes ? and stays outta trouble mostly ? her dad has had it with this guy, he would live here if he could. she does do all her homework, it is mandatory for her school to send out progress reports every friday. is he a bad kid? The last thing you want to do is drive her into his arms. 2010: Healing the Wounds of the Past.... http://prince.org/msg/8/325740 | |
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SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said: Also, she's 14.....first boyfriend..... that can lead to a lot of trouble
She's got "love" and that is some strong shit. If you haven't had the sex talk with her maybe you should think about it.I think it's young also, but nowadys the guy is "your bestfriend' when in reality I am like "yeah right" | |
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PaisleyPark5083 said: Mach said: Have him over more (?) Offer to take them places
she is passing her classes yes ? and stays outta trouble mostly ? her dad has had it with this guy, he would live here if he could. she does do all her homework, it is mandatory for her school to send out progress reports every friday. well maybe your idea of getting her involved in something besides classes and boys is a good idea | |
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evenstar said: PaisleyPark5083 said: No my son was and is picture perfect. He was always a straight A student, all honors classes, never really had a social life, he had hours and hours of homework to keep him busy. And he always had the nerdy/geeky type friends that always stayed out of trouble also. his idea of a fun saturday night was having all his friends come to our house to play video games, no lie!! i'm not saying that you do, but don't compare them or do the 'why can't you be more like your sibling!' thing. it really sucks. Yeah, just let her be different My siblings are jealous of me sometimes because I was that picture perfect kid and I warn my mom not to brag on me cuz I don't want them mad at me 2010: Healing the Wounds of the Past.... http://prince.org/msg/8/325740 | |
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evenstar said: PaisleyPark5083 said: No my son was and is picture perfect. He was always a straight A student, all honors classes, never really had a social life, he had hours and hours of homework to keep him busy. And he always had the nerdy/geeky type friends that always stayed out of trouble also. his idea of a fun saturday night was having all his friends come to our house to play video games, no lie!! i'm not saying that you do, but don't compare them or do the 'why can't you be more like your sibling!' thing. it really sucks. My mother always tries to pull that on me. It's all types of wrong. | |
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evenstar said: PaisleyPark5083 said: No my son was and is picture perfect. He was always a straight A student, all honors classes, never really had a social life, he had hours and hours of homework to keep him busy. And he always had the nerdy/geeky type friends that always stayed out of trouble also. his idea of a fun saturday night was having all his friends come to our house to play video games, no lie!! i'm not saying that you do, but don't compare them or do the 'why can't you be more like your sibling!' thing. it really sucks. we do not go out of our way to compare, but she knows we are very proud of him. he graduated last june from calpoly, and is now a newswriter/reporter for our local paper. so he get's a lot of kudos from everyone we know. I try and make sure she feels special also. | |
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