A guy gets pulled over by a cop. He doesn't have his license with him, and when asked for his name, he simply replies, "Fred". The cop is about to arrest him when Fred says, "Wait - let me tell you my story. You'll understand, I'm sure!" The cop reluctantly agrees.

"Well," said Fred, "when I was born my name was Fred Dingaling. Yeah, I know -a funny name and yes, I did get made fun of all the time. So I spent most of my time studying, hoping to realize my dream of becoming a doctor.

"I breezed through medical school and passed my boards, so I became Fred Dingaling, MD. I practiced medicine for a few years, but got bored and decided to become a dentist. So, after passing my dental boards, I was now Fred Dingaling, MD DDS.

"Dentristry was fun, but having an affair with my hot dental assistant was even better. But unfortunately, she gave me a venereal disease, so I became Fred Dingaling, MD DDS with VD.

"The ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS, which made me Fred Dingaling, MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD and I was now Fred Dingaling with VD.

"Then the VD took away my dingaling, so now I'm just Fred."

The cop let Fred off with a warning.

My wife was complaining to her friend that I was 300% impotent.

Her friend said, "I can understand 100%. But how is RodeoSchro 300% impotent?"

"Well," said Mrs. Rodeo, "You can guess the first 100%. But the damn fool also broke his finger and burned his tongue!"

Little Johnny came home from school and said he'd been suspended. "What for?" asked his dad. "A math problem," said Little Johnny. "Explain!" demanded his dad.

"The teacher asked us what was 2 + 3," said Little Johnny, "then she asked us what was 3 +2?"

"What's the fucking difference?" said his Dad.

"That's what I said!" replied Little Johnny.

Byron said:

The math teacher (yeah, same troublemaker!) asks the class, "Five birds are sitting on a wire. A farmer shoots two of them. How many are left?"

Little Johnny says, "None! The sound of the shotgun made them all fly away!"

The teacher says, "Well. that's not the answer I was looking for, but I like the way you think." So Little Johnny asks her a question.

"There are three young ladies sitting on a bench. Each one has a lollipop. One lady is biting her lollipop, one lady is chewing hers, and one lady is sucking hers. Which one of the ladies is a newlywed?"

The teacher gets redfaced, but answers, "I suppose it's the one sucking her lollipop."

"No," said Little Johnny, "it's the one with the wedding ring on. But I like the way you think!"

Little Johnny walks into a whorehouse, dragging a squashed frog on a string. "I want to have sex with a woman that has VD!" he proclaims, and lays $250 on the table.

The madam decides to take him up on his request and but first wants to know why he demands a lady with VD.

"Because," said Little Johnny "tonight I will bang the babysitter and give her the clap. Then my dad will take the babysitter home but bang her in the car, and he'll get the clap. Then, he'll come home and bang my mom, giving her the clap. Tomorrow morning, my mom will bang the milkman, and he'l get the clap.

"And he's the sonfabitch that ran over my frog!"

Three golfers got to play a round with the pro.

The first golfer snap hooks his ball into the left rough. "Pro," he asked, "what is my problem". "Loft," replies the pro.

The second golfer slices his ball into the right rough. "What was my problem, pro?" he asks. "Loft," replies the pro.

The third guy dribbles a wormburner 100 yards down the fairway. "What did I do wrong?" he asks the pro. "Loft," replies the pro.

"Wait a minute," he says. "We hit completely different shots, yet you say 'loft' was the problem in all of them?"

"Yeah, loft," says the pro. "L-O-F-T. Lack Of Fucking Talent."

Ralph and Edna

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.


Ralph and Edna Were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. he sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital,as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news.

*The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is,Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.I am so sorry,But he's dead."


Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

Edna told her friend, "My Husband's not happy with my mood swings, so he bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods."

"How does it work," the friend asked.

"When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big friggen red mark on his forehead."

Mr. Smith, married executive, goes on a business trip with his attractive female assistant. Due to an error at their hotel, they find themselves having to share the only room available. Seeing there are two beds in the room, they get over their initial embarrassment and both manage to get to sleep.

In the middle of the night the female assistant lifts her head up and whispers, "Sir...I'm sorry to wake you but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

The executive leans up and, with a smile on his face and a gleem in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea...would you like to pretend you're Mrs. Smith for just this one night?"

After a second of hesitation, the assistant giggles and says "I'd love to..,"

"Good," Mr. Smith replies. "Get your own damn blanket."

What has 48 legs and 12 teeth?


The front row of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert.

A guy goes to the doctor and show's him his flourescent orange penis. The doc is amazed.

"How did this happen," asks the doctor.

"I have no idea," responds the man.

"Have you recently been taking any new medications??"

"No...actually, I'm not taking any medications at all."

"Do you work around chemicals of any kind?"

"No...actually, I'm retired."

"Retired," asks the doctor. "So then what do you do with your time at home?"

"Mostly," the man says, "I just sit around watching porn movies and eating Cheetos."

JuliePurplehead said:

How do you get 50 old ladies to all say "Fuck" at the same time?

Yell "Bingo!"

The pastor was delivering a hot and heavy sermon about loving one's enemies, and he shouted, "WHO AMONG US HAS NO ENEMIES?" About 20 hands went up in the air, so the pastor preached another hour, and then shouted, "WHO AMONG US HAS NO ENEMIES?"

This time, about 10 hands went up in the air, so the paster preached for another hour and then shouted, "WHO AMONG US HAS NO ENEMIES?" This time, only old Mrs. Smith raised her hand.

The pastor said, "Mrs. Smith! You claim to have no enemies! Will you explain to the congregation how that is so?"

Mrs. Smith shuffled to the podium, took the pastor's microphone, and said, "It was easy. I just outlived the bitches!"

What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?

Well-hung!

RodeoSchro, George W. Bush and Paris Hilton are riding in a train. It goes into a dark tunnel. Suddenly, there's the sound of a kiss, then a slap. When the tunnel emerges, Bush is rubbing his red cheek.

Bush thinks, "RodeoSchro must have kissed Paris Hilton, but she thought I did it and slapped me by mistake."

Paris Hilton thinks, "Bush must have tried to kiss me but kissed RodeoSchro by mistake, and Rodeo slapped him."

RodeoSchro thinks, "This is great. Every time we go through a tunnel, I'm going to make a kissing sound and then slap the shit out of that moron Bush!"

My 2 year old nephew told me this one


Knock knock.

Who's there?

Gum.

Gum, who?

Go stick some gum in your shirt!


HHHHIIIIYYYOOOO!!!!!

Byron said:

Funny and so true!

A old cowboy is sitting at a bar in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. A young woman comes up and asks him, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He says, "Well, I was born on a ranch. I've been riding horses and punching cattle since I was a little boy. I play my guitar out on the range. Yeah, I guess I'm a real cowboy."

"That's nice," says the girl. "I'm a lesbian." "What's a lesbian?" asks the old cowboy.

"I'm in love with women. They're all I think about, from the moment I wake up until I go to sleep. My whole life revolves around women." She leaves, and then a young preppy couple approaches the cowboy.

"Say, are you a real cowboy?" asks the young man.

"I used to think I was," says the cowboy, "but I just found out I'm a lesbian."