It's a rare occasion that I spill the details of my life, and these are serious details. I might regret this later, but oh well.

I've got an eleven year old daughter with a man I did not marry. He was horrible to me throughout the six years we were on and off together. When I was three months pregnant, he left me. I had our baby on my own and looking back, I was severely depressed. He came back around when she was about six months old. We went to court and mutually agreed to visitation and $150 a month in child support. I bent over backward for him at every turn.

When she was four years old, I picked her up from her dad's house, and she had tears streaming down her face, clinging to him in a really strange way. I asked him,"What did you do to her?". He laughed at me and said, "Nothing". I took her home and put her to bed. Upon waking up the next morning, she told me that her back hurt. I looked at her back, and there were four rather LARGE bruises scattered over her entire back. I took her to the doctor immediately, and she told the nurse, then the doctor that her dad was snapping her with rubber bands AND locking her in the closet. It was reported to the police and he was arrested. Long story short, I was eventually given sole physical and legal custody with him having supervised visitation. He never exercised his visitation, and basically abandoned our daughter. He has not seen her since.

Fast forward to a month ago. My daughter had a meltdown. We were up until 2a.m. trying to comfort her, with her screaming "Why does my dad hate me, he doesn't love me". She was so distraught, and it broke my heart to see her like that.
I decided that I was seek him out for her, and stumbled across a Nevada county court website. Guess what?! He's involved in a divorce and custody dispute with allegations of....you guessed it....abuse. I contacted his wife's attorney, and she gave me the rundown. They have a child together, and he is actually trying to get primary custody of said child. It just so happens that they are going in for parental evaluations in a few weeks, and the attorney is asking me for information in exchange for his financial information.



I'm shocked that he has procreated once again, wanting custody of his most recent child, while abandoning his first born. Do I have cause to be angry and hurt by this? What do you think I should do?

Be kind, because at this moment, I'm a complete emotional wreck.

i trully think that you should put your feelings to the side and think in the best interest of the children. this is serious. sounds like he should have zero interaction with any children. Despite any differences, i think you should provide case information in regards to what you went through with your daughter and him to his ex-wife and her lawyer so that joint custody can be disallowed immediately. someone will get hurt if this continues imo.

wow.


I'd say, and forgive me for being so objective or emotionally detached msyelf, that his relationship with his most recent child is irrelevant. It's how he treats your daughter that merits your anger and solely that.

Beat. His. Ass.

For what its worth I think u should give them case information

heybaby said:

You're right, I have been thinking about the children. I wanted so much more for my daughter. The attorney is contacting me today. I just didn't want to involve myself so much in someone else's mess as I feel I would be reliving some really bad experiences.

You have cause to feel whatever emotions you're feeling. No need to validate any of that right now.

And I'm so, so sorry. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to see your daughter in pain over this.

Have you given thought to getting her some counseling? It may be helpful for her to have an outside party to talk to about it all...

be honest in your response to the attorney's request for information. you may be able to help protect the other child from his sickness

and don't feel too bad for yourself. that must hurt horribly, but it's not about you, it's about him being not right in the head

Imago said:

TRUST ME. If murder were legal.....

Anyway

heybaby said:

agreed. a thousand times.

as far as your daughter having a melt down its best that you emphasize how much you and your husband love her. just comfort her the best way you can, have patience and indulge her every now and then (not to the point of spoiling her of course) she may never get over her dad but the fact that somebody loves her is all the more better. Its good you are not single as you have a husband who can be a positive father figure in her life.

CarrieMpls said:

She was in counseling for two years after everything..I've been considering it.

heybaby said:

I agree....thank you.

and i'm sorry you baby is going through this

Awwww.....you guys are awesome!

i would echo what has been said somewhat . The children are the important thing ... maybe saving another one some of the abuse but also - helping yours. I cant imagine what you are going thru ... but there are alot of very good counseling type of situations available- maybe one will reach your daughter in a way that can turn a negative into somewhat of a positive... and she will realize she is very much loved.

give them information.

tell your daughter that her dad doesn't hate her, but everyone, and you love and will always be there for her.

wow.
first of all, i am SO sorry for you and your daughter.
there's no way this can be easy for either of you.


first and foremost, you guys need to get some therapy.
it can be a scary thing if you've never been, but take it from someone with experience, IT CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE. and in a good way.

i mean, of course you re-assure her that you love her very much every chance you get and explain that none of this is her fault.

everything else should be done with the help of a therapist.
now, mind you therapy is not a quick fix.

it takes TIME.

but with some time and some patience there's no doubt you and your daughter can emerge from this as strong confident women.

good luck, and i'll say a prayer for both of you.
[Edited 9/20/07 7:56am]

Great advice has been imparted to you already. I just want to post for support. Yeah, the best thing for your daughter is counseling and love from all the people that are around her.

xxoo
M

jami0mckay said:

XxAxX said:

And it is a sickness. After she gets everything I know, he won't have custody of the other child either.

you have trepidation over getting involved because you don't want to relive memories but you have to relive them anyway for the sake of your daughter. assist with the other woman and process all of your emotions.

keep in mind this guy's messed up.
and him wanting custody of this other child is probably more about control than the kid.
he abandoned your baby but that was probably for the best in the long run. hang on to that.
be secure in the knowledge that if he had stayed involved he would have continued to hurt her in visible ways.

question... does she know that her father did what he did?

oh dear i'm so sorry i wish i knew wht to say

emm said:

I'm trying to process my emotions, but they're all over the chart this morning. I called in sick today, didn't get much sleep, I almost feel like there's been a death.

Yes, you are also very correct, he would have made our lives miserable.

To answer the question: Yes, she knows, but it has come out in bits and pieces from scattered memories of hers.
[Edited 9/20/07 9:29am]

Dear god, I am so sorry to hear this.
I wish I had some wonderful words of wisdom for you, I am glad your daughter has you for a Mother.

As much as it's hard to separate your emotions from this, as you've had his child, you've got to look out for you and your daughter first and foremost. Also, it may be hard if her friends have a dad and she has no father figure, so therapy may help for the both of you. That's part of why she's facing the emotions she is. It's okay to take time off for yourself while you're stressed, but also modelling that you can still be strong in the face of pain and stress will definitely influence your daughter in a positive way, in addition to therapy.

You should be glad he's not a part of your lives, and I think you ought to assist in any way you can so that he can't do it to another of his offspring.

That said, at 11, I think you should explain to your daughter why it's a good thing he's not a part of your lives, love aside.
[Edited 9/20/07 11:19am]

I think the most important thing right now is to explain to your daughter that her father really does love her. That's what's on her mind right now and she needs assurance to ease her pain. It's quite likely that she's almost blaming herself for what has happened (it's so common that girls at that age see themselves as unloveable when someone who should be close doesn't display any love).

You have every right to be furious with her father, but I don't think it would help anyone if you describe him as some kind of demon to your daughter, because then she might either take him in defense or get confused or just feel extremely miserable because of the mere fact that her parents hate each other so much. It's better to let her form her own opinion step by step, and since he has undoubtedly done many bad things she will likely reach the same conclusions that you have anyway without you having had to be the "villain who backtalks him".

Speak up for the sake of that child of his current situation. Coming forward will save that child from what your child went through, or worse. Good luck


Have you considered counselling for your daughter?

I wouldn't tell your daughter about her father's current repetitious behaviour.

Has she ever asked to see him so that he apologise (or explain himself) to her directly? I'm not saying they ever should meet - I'm just trying to get a handle on her state of mind.