That's sad that your sister is not doing anything to reassure your niece that she is beautiful just the way she is.

psychodelicide said:

I know and it really gets me angry at times.

DarkSideOfBeauty said:

I don't blame you, it would me too.

psychodelicide said:

Do you have any suggestions to share?

psychodelicide said:

Do you have any suggestions to share?

DarkSideOfBeauty said:

What is beautiful about her from the inside ? That is where you could try to focus attention on- Life/society puts so much focus on what's "beautiful" physically - help her shine internally

Thanks everybody! My niece is very caring for not only for her classmates , but for her mother , Me , and everybody. She loves to draw and she loves to dance very well.

DarkSideOfBeauty said:

Dance is a powerful way to express beauty from the inside out

as is drawing

Dance is a powerful way to express beauty from the inside out

Thanks everybody! My niece is very caring for not only for her classmates , but for her mother , Me , and everybody. She loves to draw and she loves to dance very well.

i can remember wanting very much to look like my friend kendra.
she had long dark beautiful hair and was a tiny little thing
with an exotic look about her.

when i started seeing my niece react the same way to one of her little friends
i tried telling her that we look the way we do because of who we come from
and to be proud of that. in order for me to look like kendra i would have
had to had kendra's parents instead of my own, and i would not have traded
mine for anything in the world.

not exactly a magic bullet but perhaps a different way of viewing her eyes and hair, etc.

DarkSideOfBeauty said:

I really don't know what can be done. I guess that she has to be constantly fed images that look like herself and reassured that they are beautiful...just as she is.

I was a blonde haired, green eyed child and all I wanted was dark, curly hair. My mom let me get a perm and eventually I started to dye my hair dark. It's just this weird thing that happens where people want what they don't have. I don't think that her wanting to straighten her hair is that big of a deal since hair is a big bone of contention for many people.

But overall, ya...it would be nice if people would just be happy with what they were given instead of trying to fit into some mold.

emm said:

That is sweet, emm!

Hey, D.

I ran into something similar with a relative of mine. She grew up surrounded by the blonde/blue-eyed look all about her, and it became obvious to me, when she was in high school sporting green contacts and raving about a blue-eyed then-girlfriend of mine, that she had internalized some stuff.

That said, it's difficult to know how affected young(er) relatives are by the mass-marketed concept of beauty. And, it's hard for me now to gauge, all these years later, where my relative is. She's a beautiful black woman (who has dropped the contacts, thank God) and seems very secure in herself. So, it's hard, again, to figure out what is a phase, what is a sign that someone needs to be exposed to *their* beauty in affirming settings and what requires more direct confrontation.

I would encourage you to find ways to do the second piece. Find activities that quite openly celebrate the beauty of people who look like her and who are even further away from the look she covets. Show how such people are beautiful and are celebrated as such. It might broaden her appreciation of other people's looks (as well as her own), while erasing the negative values she puts on people who look "different."

I'll never forget the time my mom took me to see an Easter play put on by a dancing troupe in D.C. I must have been 5 at the most. The dancers were wonderful, a-swirl with brightly colored costumes that draped over their brown forms.

"Momma, where's Jesus?" I asked in bewilderment as I gazed at the performance, eyes sweeping from one wing of the stage to the other.

She pointed out the performer playing Him, and responded to my, "But he's black," with an affirming and Earth-shakingly nonchalant: "That's right."

Now, I'm not trying to kick up any dust over that issue. But, her demeanor and act of exposing me to that presentation of the Savior rocked my world in a way I hope I never forget.

Just a thought.
[Edited 9/18/07 18:46pm]

Hey, D.

I ran into something similar with a relative of mine. She grew up surrounded by the blonde/blue-eyed look all about her, and it became obvious to me, when she was in high school sporting green contacts and raving about a blue-eyed then-girlfriend of mine, that she had internalized some stuff.

That said, it's difficult to know how affected young(er) relatives are by the mass-marketed concept of beauty. And, it's hard for me now to gauge, all these years later, where my relative is. She's a beautiful black woman (who has dropped the contacts, thank God) and seems very secure in herself. So, it's hard, again, to figure out what is a phase, what is a sign that someone needs to be exposed to *their* beauty in affirming settings and what requires more direct confrontation.

I would encourage you to find ways to do the second piece. Find activities that quite openly celebrate the beauty of people who look like her and who are even further away from the look she covets. Show how such people are beautiful and are celebrated as such. It might broaden her appreciation of other people's looks (as well as her own), while erasing the negative values she puts on people who look "different."

I'll never forget the time my mom took me to see an Easter play put on by a dancing troupe in D.C. I must have been 5 at the most. The dancers were wonderful, a-swirl with brightly colored costumes that draped over their brown forms.

"Momma, where's Jesus?" I asked in bewilderment as I gazed at the performance, eyes sweeping from one wing of the stage to the other.

She pointed out the performer playing Him, and responded to my, "But he's black," with an affirming and Earth-shakingly nonchalant: "That's right."

Now, I'm not trying to kick up any dust over that issue. But, her demeanor and act of exposing me to that presentation of the Savior rocked my world in a way I hope I never forget.

Just a thought.
[Edited 9/18/07 18:46pm]

Calligraphy said:

Well aren't you awesome??

Don't keep harping on how she's beautiful -- just keep her focused on the things she already feels good about! Go to her dance recitals (if she takes class) and compliment her performance. If she draws a picture, tell you love it -- and thank her for it.

I think we spend way too much time focusing on the physical. Frankly, a lot of folks aren't beautiful physically -- and they usually know it. If you go on and on protesting that they really are beautiful, they're going to know you're lying. (Kids, especially, are very perceptive that way.)

It's much better (IMO) for kids to gain their self-esteem from doing (which they can control) versus how they look (which they mostly can't control). Ever heard the saying, "Pretty is as pretty does"?