TMZ is pleased to report that American royalty, Melissa-Mindy Trump Hilton, whose family "came over with Columbus on the Santa Maria, while the Hiltons came over with the Pilgrims on the Mayflower," has written an exclusive note to us about some of her travels and travails this summer. Any resemblance to Amy Sedaris is purely coincidental.



Dear TMZ,

People have been saying that I have "set my cap" on becoming "Mrs. Matt Groening." And they say that for the entire summer, I have been drunkenly throwing myself at Matt, in a way that appears almost desperate, making plans to cross his path during movie industry events and parties and receptions, always popping up at his side. And that one incident where I got kind of drunk at the Viper Room with Matt that caused my banning. Anyway: Matt Groening and I are "just friends," as they say. We do like to go to the beach together, we've been to a few local spas, we enjoy board games like Twatch and Scrabble. But we are just friends. Period. Oh, well, I have my hopes ... like any girl does. But for now those hopes are private and I know that TMZ won't betray my confidences.

Other peo ple are claiming that since I was in that rehab facility at ! the same time as Lindsay Lohan -- who you there at TMZ probably know as "LiLo" but I just call her Linds -- that I am trying to capitalize on the friendship that has grown up between us to promote my own goals. Well first of all -- I'm loaded. I could buy and sell Lindsay, and her mom and her dad. ESPECIALLY her dad. So the idea that I plan on "using" LiLo in some way is ludicrous. Particularly ludicrous are rumors that I plan to adopt her. That's just not in the cards at all. We did grow close together in rehab and some "sharing" did occur. I do enjoy her company, and of course her talent is as bottomless as the bread-baskets at Olive Garden. I hope we continue to be close.

Other than that, I am very much involved in the fight against Global Warming. And also I am planning the launch of my new celebrity scent shorty but the name hasn't quite been worked out yet. "Panty Line" has been suggested, or just "Eminem" because that is my nickname. Or maybe "Shameless." The proble m is that Sarah Jessica Parker has stolen all the good names -- "Lovely," "Covet." And of course Britney has already trademarked the name "Drunken Whore." So perhaps your readers could be kind enough to share their thoughts on what to name my new celebrity scent. I think "Panty Line" has a nice ring to it, but the focus groups say that "Shameless" will really sell some product so we will probably have to go with that name. Don't tell Coty I told you this.

I don't know if you can turn any of that into anything of interest to your readers. It's not like I lost my dog or anything interesting like that, I haven't even run out of gas or had someone steal my Blackberry and make prank calls from it. Although, and his you might find interesting there at TMZ, I did have a rash recently, which I caught from accidentally eating shellfish which I am allergic too, please try to keep Crustacean's name out of that if you can, it was my own fault. The rash is on my left inner thi gh and looks somewhat like the shape of Italy. It's spreadin! g but I hope it goes away soon.

Aside from that ... I would love to land a film role soon, although I do enjoy doing the catwalk at present and being a socialite as I do presently, and this is fulfilling. I'm known as the intellectual one of the family, probably you know this, since I do have a semester at Barnard. But I don't think my higher education should be a barrier to my entrance to Hollywood, it just wouldn't be fair. Would love to be cast in "High School Musical 3" as a love interest to that lovely Zac Efron, who has such beautiful hair. In general, would love to see more hair-care tips on TMZ and less about breasts and alcoholism.

Sincerely,

Melissa-Mindy Trump-Hilton
American Royalty

P.S. At one time I did work as a flight attendant with Kathy Hilton, and I could tell you some stories from the days when we "stewed" together, but perhaps to save those for a later date.
[Edited 8/22/07 13:07pm]

is she REALLY amy sedaris or just an overzealous fan? i have my doubts.

Anxiety said:

dunno.

On TMZ they do say any resemblance to Amy Sedaris is purely coincidental.

superspaceboy said:

if it is amy, then her new character is someone who isn't as witty as she is.

Anxiety said:

Absolutely.

Anxiety said:

the matt groening thing seemed a bit lame for amy.

cborgman said:

and from what i have understood about her, she doesn't seem this "up" on pop culture...she seems to like what she likes, and she's ignorant to a lot of the other stuff going on that doesn't interest her. she has a myspace account and she's always posting poems by rumi and "songs of the day". SO not amy.