my heart is heavy as i type this. just two days ago i found out that there is no cure for my father's cancer. there's nothing more that doctors can do. and today, i am taking him to get an operation to help his kidneys function somewhat better. as i arrived at my parents i was as usual greeted by my little 3 lbs chihuahua. which to my mother, is HER dog. and my dad's chihuahua which is a little bigger. a few moments after my arrival, my mom called out to me in a voice that is undeniably that of sheer despair. my little dog was having a seizure, and in an instant she went limp and lifeless. my dad said it was a heartattack. now anyone who says it's just a dog, in my opinion has no regard for life in general. this dog was/is a part of my life, my family, my heart. i can't nor will i attempt to put into words what she meant/means to my mother. i called the veteranarian emergency, but there was nothing they could do as she no longer had a pulse. she took her last breath in my mother's, her mother's arms. my mother is completely devastated. my father held back tears, but i saw them run down his face as he comforted my mother. i 've yet to let one run down my cheek. maybe i am in shock. maybe with everything else going on i don't have time to cry. i don't know.

she was a healthy only 6 year old dog that loved sleeping under your shirt, was full of life and vigor. who fit in the palms of my hands, love to play. she barked at anyone that came in 5 feet of my mom. she was my mom's heart. whose ever heard of a chihuahua as a guard dog? well she was one. lol. i feel guilty for laughing, for looking on the brighter side of things. i in some way feel as my early arrival (or late..4.45 am) may have caused her too excitement for her little heart. i wish i could post a picture of her but i don't have one on this computer.

today is filled with so many emotions. despair, guilt, loss, anger, hoplessness. maybe that's why i can't shed a tear. i've accepted death from an early age. but still question the meaning of life, be it man or beast. and what comes after this one. just 3 years ago i lost my best friend to a mistake on an operating table. 2 days ago i find out my father's days are numbered, and in an instant, my little dog was taken from me. in my head i keep hearing my mother asking God "why did you take her from me." hearing your mother, whose had an extremely difficult life, full of loss, crying and looking to God, and not being able to find the words to comfort her is beyond heart breaking.

i guess putting this out here helps in some way. i don't know. so today i have to take her little soul and say goodbye for now, and then take my father to an operation that will help extend his life, yet will also be cause discomfort. so what now, what next...and why? i feel this is another reason why i don't want attachment to anyone in life. because people always leave. no matter how much you hold on or hope or even love.

as i sat watching the sun rise, looking up i could only think one thing. that is, that those whose suffer the most on earth, will have the highest place in heaven. i hope that each of you will hug anyone that you love or even a stranger. or someone that might just need an ear. and let them know that they are loved. this includes your pets.

thanks for reading.

God bless each and every one of you, and your families. be it with 2 or even four leg ged.

CHIC0 said:

my thoughts are with you

I'm so sorry Chico. You and your family will be in my prayers

It seems when life is tough - even more is thrown on your plate

My thoughts are with you Chico Sending a Reiki healing to your family

I love you Chico.

I've been like that.

You'll cry later.

I had a similar experience when my grandmother died 3 weeks ago. It only sunk in about a week ago and I cried then.

Sorry to hear about this. A close friend of my family just died of cancer last week, so I know how you must feel. And it being your own dad is even harder I imagine. It's hard to fathom.

Sorry to hear about your doggie too.

I'm so sorry for your sad news and broken heart Chico.

Your father, you and your family are in my prayers.

oh chico.

our own pain is difficult enough
once we finally process the emotion
but feeling the pain of those we love...



When you saw only one set of footprints, It was then that I carried you

I'm really sorry to hear about everything that is happening in your life right now.

Baby, it's normal not to be able to place your emotions when tragic events happen. Sometimes you need to find a way to grieve. I didn't grieve over my grandmother for 6 years, then one day the tears came when I never shed them before. When I went to visit my cousin's grave in March, at first I felt like I couldn't feel my emotions. I kind of felt nothing and it wasn't until I sat there for a while that the tears came. I'm sorry about your pet, nobody should ever discount the place that they hold in our lives and our hearts. Pets are just such an important part of life And I'm very sorry to hear about your father If you need to talk, just know I'm here

Words fail me.

Chico so sorry to hear about everything you are going through


[Edited 8/13/07 11:35am]

Sorry to hear this Chico. I lost both parents to prolonged illnesses (cancer and emphysema). I guess the best way to look at it is that your father will know without a doubt how you feel about him. No love will be unexpressed.

I couldn't cry during my dad's illness either. Then, at the funeral, all of a sudden I started crying. Someone put their hand on my shoulder and I stopped but I didn't want to stop.

Chico

I'm so sorry Chico

I dont' know you, but I love you. And I hope that eventually you'll be able to cry, because when you do, it'll be like a burden being lifted off your shoulders.

Oh Chico I am so sorry for all the sadness that you are having to deal with now. When my son died aged 18 months I did cry but for a week and then I never cried again and it damaged me - I got a variety of illness - crying is let out of emotions and is healthy - you will cry eventually but now you are just numb with the shock of it all. My love and sympathises are with you now and I send you a big hug and that shoulder is there for you to cry on love. Take care and God bless.

I love you, Chico.

There is so mush beauty in u chico .....my thoughts are with u and urs

Sometimes when I am overwhelmed by the inexplicable, senseless suffering of life and can't find reason for anything, this passage by Rainer Maria Rilke comforts me. I hope it shall do the same for you.

----

…AH, poems amount to so little when you write too early in your life. You ought to wait and gather sense and sweetness for a whole lifetime, and a long one if possible, and then, at the very end, you might perhaps be able to write ten good lines. For poems are not, as people think, simply emotions (one has emotions early enough) - they are experiences. For the sake of a single poem, you must see many cities, many people and Things, you must understand animals, must feel how birds fly, and know the gesture which small flowers make when they open in the morning. You must be able to think back to streets in unknown neighborhoods, to unexpected encounters, and to partings you had long seen coming; to days of childhood whose mystery is still unexplained, to parents whom you had to hurt when they brought in a joy and you didn’t pick it up (it was a joy meant for somebody else); to childhood illness that began so strangely with so many profound and difficult transformations, to days in quiet; restrained rooms and to mornings by the sea, to the sea itself, to seas, to nights of travel that rushed along high overhead and went flying with all the stars - and it is still not enough to be able to think of all that. You must have memories of many nights of love, each one different from all the others, memories of women screaming in labor, and of light, pale sleeping girls who have just given birth and are closing again. But you must also have been beside the dying, must have sat beside the dead in the room with the open window and the scattered noises. And it is not yet enough to have memories. You must be able to forget them when they are many, and you must have the immense patience to wait until they return. For the memories themselves are not important. Only when they have changed into our very blood, into glance and gesture, and are nameless, no longer to be distinguished from ourselves - only then can it happen that in some very rare hour the first word of a poem arises in their midst and goes forth from them."

----


One's life is like a living poem, being constantly written as one lives on. But, like a poem, the process won't allow itself to be forced; your heart is an amazing author - trust it to find the right words, and write the perfect lines, when the time is exactly right...and to know when to punctuate those eloquent lines with tears.

You, and your family, shall be in my thoughts.