I'm only posting this as I really want an alternative point of view on this. I understand this site aint an "Dear Dierdre" column etc. but loads of you have FAR more life and relationship experience than I am ever likely t have, so I wanted to see your take on this.

I split from my girlfriend of almost 8 years in January. We have a young son, now 6, and I left the house to return to my parents on a temporary basis (moving at the end of September - wooohooo!). I've been paying more than I need to most months since to her, and still spend time with my son and have him staying with me most weekends.

I'm trying to combine this, however, with moving on and discovering some stuff about myself. I had no single life to speak of beforehand, but I'll be honest and say that it's probably not for me (due to being so ugly I guess ), and I've never really known who I am or what I truly want in life. It seems, though, that my ex has no intention of moving on, and for the last 6 months has made sure she checks my every move, gives me grief if I so much as speak to another girl (even online) and uses my son as the weapon to control my life. The phrase "If you do (insert whatever) you'll never see your son again" has been worn out now!

Now, to my failings. I will admit to saying things during the relationship I severely regret, and as time has passed I'm now unsure just how much I meant them at the time. She thought we would be together for life, have another kid, mortgage etc. and I have ruined that, but it's not something I did deliberately. I'm also losing some patience right now with the whole situation, and probably acting like a bit of an idiot due to this. I also still try to help her out with things, as I'm just not capable of being cold hearted or ignoring her for some reason. I probably have given her the wrong impression due to this though.

I've also been incapable of explaining the reasons I left in a way she can understand. I hoped she would accept the fact that it wasn't her fault in any real way, but that certainly hasn't worked!!

As things stand, I'm currently being blamed for every little thing in her life just now. I can handle some abuse or hassle, but it's starting to wear me down a bit now!

Am I being selfish, unreasonable or unsympathetic by feeling this way? No one here knows me, and I've tried to make her position on this as clear as possible to make it balanced. I'm not trying to point score, just get an unbiased opinion on my behaviour due to my total lack of experience here.

Did you promise her happily ever after?


NO matter what happened, she has no right to try to use your child against you. Go to court, get your parental rights enforced.

Even though custody battles are ugly, I'd take it to court. Once you have a court order that you can see your son to a certain extent, she can't do fuck all about it. You can't be living with her bullshit hanging over you like that, it's not fair. Her not moving on is HER problem, not yours. Hang in there and get receipts/balances of all the money you've given her that goes beyond alimony/child support. Hold that over HER head. Good luck!

i have no personal experience to give you. but i do know your son means that she will be in your life in some manner for as long as he exists. for that reason it's important that you both find a peace to the end of your marriage.

who says counselling has to always be about saving a marriage? i would think that since there are issues that need to be worked out and bruised feelings mended that now would still be a perfect time to have outside unbiased help sort through the pain. for your kid's sake and future well being.




it's always easier to give advice than take it
i wish you well alex.

Lothan said:

Yup.

I agree with what's been said so far, if it's gotten to the point where you believe that your parental rights will not be given to you then yes, do take it to court. You should never let anybody hold anything especially your child/children as a way to control you.

What I've learned in life is that happily ever after doesn't exist and just because you stood before a group of people or whatever doesn't mean it will...and that's just life. There's nothing wrong with running out of patience or things getting old because it does happen to each of us, divorce or the end of a relationship is never easy or without drama when it's not what both parties want.

I have no advice to offer, but I do want to wish you the best of luck. I can't imagine how tough a child visitation fight could be.

I would echo what has already been said and add

If she has already used your child in that manner you MUST get an enforcable order and perhaps even a custody (for you) order from a judge. You cannot trust her.

In the meantime, I would cut contact with her. If you avoid confrontation, you will avoid an event that could hamper your efforts. It may suck in the short term, but long term the benefits are worth it.

Get a good attorney. Money spent now avoids headaches later.

You owe her nothing emotionally there is no need for you to endure any abuse from her. You may end up with a support order, which is proper, but with someone emotionally unstable, you cannot hammer it out between yourselves. You need legal council.

That may suck and I may be the heartless one, but unfortunately, that's the way it is.

A few thoughts on this...

Having a rational conversation regarding why things didn't work out between you guys probably won't work because you don't even know the reason and she is having a hard time understanding. That's ok. You are young, and you both will have better understanding ...later.

Right now you both need to agree to disagree and that things simply did not work out. And move on. You need to tell her this. She needs to understand your desire to move on with your life, yet still keep the responsibility of taking care of your child. I am guessing she feels very jealous that you are now "free" and she is "burdened" with child. You need to straighten this ou or at least get/give clarity on this. That using your son as a weapon to control your life is not only innappropriate, but unhealthy for everyone.

You two should sit down and determine (either legally or not)

Custody
Child Support
Child Visitation and help bringing up your son.

Agreements must be made. You need to tell her you are moving on in life and that she needs to do the same and that you will be there to meet the childs needs whatever they may be.

Alot of fathers in the UK are fighting for these rights.

MissMe said:

Yeah, the rules over here aren't the best!

Apologies for bumping an old thread of mine, but I wanted to thank everyone who replied and wished me well, it's appreciated more than I am able to articulate to be honest.

No apologies needed for bumping an old thread.

I do have a question though:

You mentioned in you thread post #1 something about a mortgage that you both acquire together or was that in the others name?

If you accumulated things(material) during the relationship that can be settled in court at the same time as well.

But as for your relationship with your child, she has NO RIGHT hanging that over your head. You have every right to see him/her.

From my personal experience when me and my daughter's father divorced, we sat down WITHOUT the child around and discussed HOW we resolved it.

We discussed EVERYTHING(child wise)! Such topics as these:

Splitting the school fees/supplies/clothes(if the child is going to school or will be)

" doctor office fees(if any for copay)

Who is going to carry insurance on the child( if working and has good insurance)

Set visitation times and stick to them( My ex husband gets our child every other weekend and for 4 hours during school weeks(more during the summer), 3 weeks non-consistant/consistant during summer break, rotate holidays, if she has plans with your son that day your wanting to take him, ask her if you can pick him up on a another day)

Have a drop off point if needed, (my ex prefers to pick and drop our daughter, was also stated in the divorce, if your late please call and say your running late out of courtesy to the other parent)

If the child can/cannot be taken out of state/country( if needed)


As for her needing help to go on, it takes time for some to go on after being with someone for so long.

I believe fathers have rights to see their kids.

One major rule of advice I must say( parenting classes stress this here in my state) NO FIGHTING AND BICKERING IN FRONT OF THE KIDS!! If you want to fight, take it to a court room.

I hope I enlightened you and I wish you the best!
[Edited 8/6/07 13:29pm]

alxndrstff said:

were you married? it sounds like not
even if you had been married people change, and their minds change with them. when it's over it's over
it's not your fault. don't let her suck the life out of you
run like hell and don't look back

ps. i'm not an expert! just my 2c

XxAxX said:

Are you missing something? He has a child, he CANT run, he WANTS to see his child. So why run?

toots said:

imo, he can see still his child without bowing to her unreasonable demands.

XxAxX said:

all of the sudden, you're little Miss Goodadvice. who knew you had so much good sense to go along with the good looks. if only you could tell a joke

BlackAdder7 said:

XxAxX said:

What is your meaning of "unreasonable"?

XxAxX said:

Never married, though I believe marriage is nothing more than a piece of paper, and the actions of a couple say far more than that in my opinion.

To be honest, I have a lot of regrets about the whole situation now, but I know I can't go back, as I'd just find myself even unhappier than before. I have to hope that she decides that her happiness is worth more than my misery that she's trying to cause.

I only want her to get on with her life, and we can still have a decent relationship with our son, I'd imagine.

toots said:

alxndrstff said:

i hope things do work out for you. good luck!

toots said:

wait a sec..... are you his ex? stalking him here, online?

Wait until you start dating someone else, she will turn PSYCHO on you for sure.

I started dating my hubster after he and his ex had been divorced for years and years. She began withholding their son soon after.

He's now 18 and she can take a flying leap! YAY!

alxndrstff said:

You can! That is the way it is with my ex husband and I. We are both involved in the childs life. You still have to socialize( talking to each other on exchange of the child for the other parent, or keeping in contact with the minor child via phone). After all, you both are responsible for the child until he reaches of age(the legal age he is considered an adult in your country/state).

XxAxX said:

NO! Im not, thanks! Just giving some advice cause I went through the same exact thing with my ex HUSBAND(you need to re-read my original post earlier in the thread)
[Edited 8/7/07 13:39pm]

XxAxX said:[quote]

toots said:

Since when is asking to take the child to the doctor "unreasonable"? IF it involves the child( and IF both parents work and we dont know the situation) some isnt considered "unreasonable".
[Edited 8/7/07 13:43pm]

gemini13 said:

If I'm honest, this whole situation has put me off the whole relationship thing right now!

I've never really tried the single thing, and I guess I need to find out who I am and what I'm comfortable being before I try anything again. Not sure I'll ever get there!

I'd hate to be in your situation that you were in earlier, I must admit. Hope everything is good now.

alxndrstff said:

Ignoring works wonders too!

There was a constant battle to be the bigger person, and thankfully, my hubby insisted that I was respected.

Her and I did, however, have quite a conversation a few weeks ago. After three years, and her calling my 11 year old daughter a derogatory name, I blew my stack at her.

She got the hint, I'm thinking.

gemini13 said:

oh thank god I am not the only person who has to go through this spit all the time..I was beginning to feel like no-one could relate to me..
[Edited 8/7/07 14:07pm]

toots said:

huh?! who said anything about taking the child to a doctor???

you seem really angry. i did not mean to inflame you by expressing my opinion.

imo, alxnndr's ex sounds unbalanced, disturbed. she seems like the type who clings to her man long after all reasons for doing so have dissappeared into the cold light of reality. stalker city

anyway forgive me for putting in my 2c and for not reading your post.

i am reacting solely to the creator of this thread and in no way intend any of my remarks, comments or observations as a slur on your or your situation or relationship.