I have a friend reporting to prison on Friday. He made a GIGANTIC mistake online and now he's paying for it. Fifteen months max in prison, but he could get out in nine. He'll be labelled a sex offender all his life. He lost everything - wife, job, money, standing in the community.

He chatted online with what he thought was a 13-year-old girl and set up a meeting at a restaurant, presumably to go to her house and have sex. It was actually a cop. He pulled into the restaurant parking lot, then snapped to his senses and turned his truck around to leave. But the state police blocked the exits, pulled him out of his truck and arrested him. He pled not guilty but was found guilty at his trial. Although he didn't actually do anything, and tried to leave without making any contact, it didn't matter.

I've written a couple letters on his behalf to his parole officer. I've known this guy socially for 15 years. I don't think he's a pedophile. He was going through the disolution of his marriage, and got caught up in online porn. One thing led to another, and here he is.

I've spoken to him twice (he lives 200 miles away). It's hard to think of what to say. I told him that lots of people still love him and will be praying for him. I told him that his friends would always be there for him.

I'm sure that lots more people have disowned him.

The first thing that went through my mind was Jesus' words to the Phillipians about when they treated prisoners with kindness, they were treating Jesus with kindness. So, I decided I would reach out to this person. I hope I've helped.

I know another guy in prison (embezzelment). He's in a federal facility in Louisiana. He said the first thing that happened to him was something akin to fraternity rush. All the gangs made sales pitches about why he should join their gang. He choose the Mexican gang because he liked their leader. Said he was the nicest guy - you'd never guess he'd killed people.

But he was clear about one thing - he had to join a gang. Otherwise, he was toast.

I think you're doing the right thing. It must be hard to know what to say or what to think

Very sad indeed, it only takes one time to make a mistake u will regret for the rest of your life.

RodeoSchro said:

You stated the man went out his way to talk to a 13yr old child then he set up a meeting he would have been fully well aware this is against the law he may have turned around that time but if he got the chance of a second time he may have not turned away, thank god he got caught he deserves what is coming 2 him no excuses what this man did was wrong.

I personally would not speak to someone who has done such a thing as a mother my children come first I would never put my children at risk.

I don't think you need to "say" anything.

If you're willing to stick it out and be his friend, you listen and you let him talk if he needs to. True compassion is blind to judgment - I'm sure he has a long line of people just bursting at the seems to tell him what a monster he is. The real test is putting that aside and acknowledging the person he was before all this, and working out the "whys" of his behavior...or just being a supportive friend while he works out the "whys" on his own.

katt said:

I have to say that I agree. I give RodeoSchro credit for standing by his friend, but he thought he was going to meet a 13 year old and therefore, he got what he deserved. People need to realize that those under the age of 16 are not here for our sexual pleasure. They are children and should be protected from perverts in any way possible. If he can do this, what else has he done or what else would he have done?

Anxiety said:

Amen !

Empress said:

Rodeo can acknowledge his friend's shortcomings and still offer support and friendship. This guy is still the same person he was before the incident. What's so blasphemous about Rodeo saying "look, I have some issues about what you've done, but I'm here for you because I care"? In fact, depending on what book you read, that attitude is the total opposite of blasphemous.

Isn't the age of consent in some countries 12 or something? I don't like the idea of that, but the guy wouldn't be a crim in these countries

Anxiety said:

God, I hate when I disagree with you and you say something really great like this.

I tend to think I'm an openminded, love everybody type of hippie BUT if one of my friends did something like set up to meet an underage person, I don't know if I could be freinds with him or her anymore.

Which is pretty hard to say because I become hypocritical, as I have done some things that people would stop being my friend over as well.

Okay, so I've done some things but I wouldn't do this.

the important part for your friend is to come to terms with what he did. i know there are plenty of people who wouldn't do what they do without the internet but the point is he made the attempt.

if there had been a girl waiting to meet him, and he had left without contacting her... it's likely there would have been a second girl that he would have gotten braver to meet. and the repercussions of that is horrendous. that is why it's important not to trivialize what this was.

be his friend. let him know he has your support. and encourage him to do everything in his power to deal with what has happened. councelling. treatment. don't be angry at gettting caught. be remorseful for all those children who are forever damaged by an adult's unfettered urge.

9 months. hopefully he can keep his head down as much as possible. and when he gets out he can work on rebuilding the rest of his life. and knowing you will be around for him will help.

RodeoSchro said:

OMG! Are you doing prison ministries????



Hats off to you. Really! In one of my serious moments here.....You will have many blessings from God. You are special and blessed!

Lothan said:

I doubt I could either. It would creep me out being around a guy like that. I respect Rodeo's decision, but his friend got what he deserved. Dudes like that need a serious beatdown.

uPtoWnNY said:

i guess i don't understand the proposed necessary disconnect between "you got what you deserved" and "i'm still your friend". why is one train of thought exclusive from the other?

i guess this is an issue where logic can't really come into play. i think if this guy's transgression hit me closer to home, i would connect with his behavior emotionally first and foremost, which would certainly - and understandably - cloud whatever compassion or empathy i could apply to the situation. this would be a limitation on my part, and i hope i'd have the presence of mind to tell my friend, "you know, what you did really pushed a button in my own experience, and i don't know if i can be friends with you now." i don't know if that's an easy thing to say to a friend, but if it's that difficult, maybe it's something you don't need to say after all.

Anxiety said:

Not when kids are involved. Imagine some creep trying this f-n sh!t with one of your young female relatives.

uPtoWnNY said:

but what if the "creep" were someone you were very close to and it was someone else's "young relative". it's very easy for us to come to the aid of people who are victimized by others, but what happens when the ones you love are the victimizers? it may be easy for you to cut off feelings for people when they betray your sense of honor and morality. i don't think it would be so easy for me.

Anxiety said:

Well Chris, my uncle is a pedophile. Not only did he molest five of his nieces, about four years ago, he did the same to someone else's young relative. It's wierd because I found it easier to forgive him for what he did to me than doing that to someone else.

It was not hard cutting my feelings off.

Anxiety said:

I'd have no problem cutting off a friend who did that. When it comes to children, there's no gray area - leave them alone. Betray that trust, and you're dead to me.

If a family member did that? Well, you can't divorce family, right? I'll tell you this, I'd have as little to do with him as possible.

Lothan said:

do you see a difference between a friend/family member being in a situation like that in which you have no idea who the victim(s) are and a situation involving close family members and even YOU being victimized by someone in your family?

yes, either way someone is being victimized...the fact that someone is a stranger to you doesn't make them any less a victim...though maybe what i am getting at is, in our emotional lives, we make necessary decisions for our survival. but when we have just enough distance from a situation to make the tough choices, how "unconditional" is our "unconditional love" for people? can we truly say we are capable of unconditional love?

Anxiety said:

I've looked past some things because I love someone but I guess that, for me, there is no such thing as unconditional love. There is always a breaking point.

Lothan said:

My uncle is also a pedophile, but he is no longer living.

I'm sick of olllld men trying to fuck really young girls.

gemini13 said:

what i don't understand is why when just plain folks do this kind of thing, they're monsters. when one of the rolling stones dates a teenager, then people say "that's rock'n'roll!"

i also don't understand how in some countries, the age of consent can be 13 and how those people would view americans expressing righteous indignation about an adult getting with a 13 or 14 year old.

i know *MY* morality and what doesn't feel appropriate or comfortable to *ME* - i personally don't understand how one person could have an attraction (even solely physical) to someone who isn't fully formed (and i don't mean solely physically). but within the context of the rest of the world, it sometimes feels a bit blurry and grey as to what is universally "right" and "wrong".

it is not blurry and grey at ALL when the situation is forced and non-consentual, but that's whether the victim is 13 or 33 or 93.

i think there's a lot of inconsistency. i think there's a lot of hypocrisy. i think there's a lot of hysteria. and i think there's a lot of genuine emotional outrage. it's tough for me to sort all those things out.

Anxiety said:

It truly comes down to that. I agree with you wholeheartedly; many people feel they have no control over their knee-jerk emotional reaction to situations like this because they've been affected by it in the past.

It upsets me that people feel they must be victims for life because of situations like this. There's no way I'm condoning the man's behavior, and that's another conversation altogether. The point Chris is trying to make is that RodeoSchro (and anyone else) IS capable of remaining this guy's friend even after the crime he committed. Take it further, though. Chris, don't let anyone tell you that the only type of person who could remain this guy's friend is someone who's never been personally affected by childhood molestation/rape: it happened to me but I'm not allowing that to cloud my eyes completely. The fact that the guy did something stupid is beside the point Chris is trying to make. Yes, unconditional love exists. EVERYTHING exists inside the minds of the willing.

Lothan said:

And that's entirely your choice to make.

We create reality. We have that power. If you want to possess unconditional love, it's yours for the taking.

INSATIABLE said:

thanks. that was beautifully stated.

Anxiety said:

When Prince was seen on Oprah years ago, telling a tale of seeing Mayte as a 16 year old and stating that was his future wife, there was nothing rock & roll to me about that. I had a problem with it but I dealt with it and got over it. It was hard for me though.

Just be there for him and listen to him when he needs to talk.

There really are no words for this. What he did was horrible and he will now have to deal with the fallout. Just because he's getting the punishment that he deserves doesn't mean that he doesn't deserve someone to lean on during it. Hopefully he'll comeo out of it a better person who does not try to meet up with 13 year olds he meets online.

INSATIABLE said:

Yes and I understand that.

INSATIABLE said:

Nah,I don't feel that Chris has to be personally affected by it and I actually think his power to forgive and be willing to stand by this person is a beautiful thing. I just can't do it. I knwo you were not specifically referring to me but I don't feel that I have allowed my experience to make me a victim nor let it cloud my eyes completely.

Lothan said:

exactly...and you are one of the VERY FEW people i know who's ever had an issue with that. which says WHAT...?!? i dunno.

if i as a non-famous schmoe went on oprah and said i was dating a 16-year-old, the audience would throw rocks at my head!

i just find the double standard fascinating. and it gets even more complex:

look at what's going on with r. kelly - why doesn't he get a pass? is it because his behavior was too extreme or because the girl was "too" underage, or....???

i find it all very confusing.