Things Hallmark Cards Don't Say

1. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day.
Look on the bright side, its really good pay.

2. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I
looked at the tire...I noticed your cat. Sorry!

3. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mend.
Here's a bouquet of flowers ... and a box of Depends.

4. Heard your wife left you, how upset you must be. But
don't fret about it... She moved in with me.

5. Looking back over the years that we've been together; I
can't help but wonder ... What the hell was I thinking?

6. Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes
your husband.

7. How could two people as beautiful as you ... Have such an
ugly baby?

8. I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to
love. After having met you ... I've changed my mind.

9. I must admit, you brought Religion into my life ... I
never believed in Hell till I met you.

10. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am ... that
you're not here to ruin it for me.

11. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go ...
would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need
again.

12. Someday I hope to get married ... but not to you.

13. Happy birthday! You look great for your age .. almost life-like!

14. When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

15. I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my
best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys.

16. We have been friends for a very long time ... what do you say we stop?

17. I'm so miserable without you ... it's almost like you're here.

18. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever
find out who the father is?

19. You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking
ship and there was only one life jacket. I'd miss you terribly and think of
you often.

20. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for
your birthday. So we're having you put to sleep.

21. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Alabama and Mississippi)

OMFG LMAO! Where did come up with this?

1.) fuck off

2.) sorry i missed ur birthday...and so's your boyfriend.

sorry still lmao @ billy's... i'll get back to U

LOL ~ Thanks for sharing these. Funny stuff.

Don' mate fun uh my dad...er...my uncle, not to menton my sisser...er...my cousin.
me and my pa

You will never see this on a card:

"I'm sorry to hear about your husband's tragic death. I hope it has not affected the size of your firm and humongous breasts."

...
[This message was edited Thu Sep 26 11:40:25 PDT 2002 by IceNine]

IceNine said:

Or "Sorry about your wife hitting that tree head on...woman drivers, eh?"

Or better yet
"What a tragic loss of a good piece--er person...did she mention me before she went?"

Here's one:
Get Well Card

Sorry to hear of your sudden illness...

But if you don't make it
Can I have your mink coat?
[This message was edited Thu Sep 26 12:32:08 PDT 2002 by SensualMelody]

LOL Billy! ... that's the funniest thing I've seen in a while ... thanks hun

2, 7, and 20 are hilarious!

IceNine said: