Anxiety said:

Anxiety said:

I agree

shanti0608 said:

What he said....

DaniDaniBoBani said:

Unfortunately, I know very, very few people who have been able to make long-term relationships work, both in my family and in my friends. Well, particularly my friends. And I'd say they were all in love at some point. But I don't know that I agree that "love is fleeting". Just that most people I know don't know how to transfer that into a long-term partnership.
It's very disheartening.

CarrieMpls said:

I find it disheartening as well....

CarrieMpls said:

It is disheartening. I think Anx is right that a lot of it ends up being about expectations, and truly wanting the sort of love and stability that comes with a long-term partnership and doing the work to keep that fun and vital, vs. the butterflies and obsession of new love. Most people kinda live for the butterflies.

I certainly don't think that a person should settle for a marriage without affection that they are "tolerating". If that's inevitable, then why get married? Ew.

You were dead on about not accepting anything for yourself that you wouldn't accept for your kids. Doesn't mean that they shouldn't try to fix it, but raising kids with the idea that a partnership should look like that goes a long way towards condemning them to a similarly unhappy situation, IMHO.

Don't you find though that when people get married its all lovey dovey but they settle into routine and wonder where that feeling went. Well it hasn't gone away its just matured and you know that person now inside and out and theres nothing new but its up to both of you to keep the love alive and not take each other for granted. People are always graving the first love feelings but when reality checks in like paying the bills and raising a family, well the rest is history.

Sounds like he needs to do some soul searching and reflecting. She is another human being too. He doesn't just live in an isolated bubble. If he's just tolerating the marriage doesn't he think that affects her and her state of happiness. Marriage is a very lovely and divine thing. I don't think it was appropriate for him to tell her he only tolerates it. First you're never going to find wholeness or completeness in a marriage. If you're half empty when you went into it and you carry that attitude the whole way through you're going to be half empty at the end of it. Marriage allows you to share your fullness with another person. And if he's not sharing his fullness with her then he's half the problem. Sure, maybe she's not peaches all the time but it's not completely her fault. He shares some of the blame. I don't believe it's out of anyones control to change the status of their marriage and their feelings towards each other. Even if the marriage has been stale for years it can still come back to life. He needs to change his attitude and mind. He needs a revelation and in the mean time he should fake it till he makes it and not tell her that's what he's doing. But he has some responsibilty to not only tolerate the marriage. Also there is a good reason for them to stay together, the 2 kids. So they should definitely go out of their way to make it work. It won't work if they change nothing but if they work on it their marriage will come back to life for sure. After all like you said: Marriage is a commitment that endures through good and bad.

greenpixies said:

This is good counsel. Many thanks

blueblossom said:

Exactly - marriage is f-n hard work, 24-7, 365 days a year for the rest of your life. You have be totally honest with yourself, do some serious soul-searching and ask yourself, "Can I make this lifetime committment?" I realized at a young age that lifestyle wasn't for me.

Yeah, having kids is what really tests a marriage.

It gets crazy hard after that.

DaniDaniBoBani said:

and yet children can as well be the fule to strengthen a marriage and make it even more joyful

Mach said:

Psst. You spelled fuel wrong.

DaniDaniBoBani said:

I transpose numbers and letters all day long

never claimed to be perfect

Mach said:

I know.

I just LOVE when I catch the people who usually don't make mistakes making typos.

DaniDaniBoBani said:

you have issues




I make mistakes on here everyday... now I know how much attention you really pay to my posts

blueblossom said:

The ball is in her court... that’s correct you cannot and they do have to realize it for themselves... I think sometimes people get comfortable in there situations, good or bad. Change is a hard and scary thing for some, especially a change of that magnitude so it maybe easier for her (and him) to stay in it or tolerate it. I do agree that she should tell him what her position...feelings and any other issues or dislikes are. but more importantly based on what he's already said to her, she needs to decide if this is something she wants to continue to be apart of because forcefully...strongly or not, the bottom line is he has already stated his position and view of the marriage to her. He’s already said that this is what it is you can stay or you can go basically and from what you've stated she's decided to stay.

DaniDaniBoBani said:

Girl, just use a browser that has auto-spellcheck. Nobody knows how to spell these days. We have help.

I don't agree with the belief that two people should stay together because they have kids or for the sake of the kid’s, simply because they’re "kids" only for a time. Kids grow up and go their own way, start or live their own lives. A marriage has to be about the person, the two people in the actual relationship. IMO, you have to want to be married to or with that person whether there are kids involved or no, that's a more realistic and honest view of things to me.

FiveFootNine said:

Aren't you engaged?

blueblossom said:

I think that's a rather cruel statement to make to one's spouse. Is he seeing someone else??
Family counseling may help, providing everyone is open and honest.
Maybe he feels that way because of something she's doing??
It's worth it to give it a try.
We've had ups and downs in our marriage, but the whole picture needs consideration. Not to mention I'd have to break some one else in to my high maintenance ways and over indulgences.....
No one should suffer in a miserable relationship.....but the grass isn't always greener.

eikonoklastes said:

who?

mdiver said:

FFN

eikonoklastes said:

TIOKTITYMM

statuesqque said:

So under this logic the fate of the marriage is in his, not her, hands....which runs counter to the whole concept of TWO people being affected by his feelings....if she doesn't confront him and let him know that his "toleration" isn't working for her, then it'll end up being the great unknown if she does decide to leave....better to at least give it the old college try than to just walk away from it...because, as my situation has proven out to me (personal emphasis), all that may end up being required on his part is a change in perspective.....

marriage is a partnership...not two individuals flying in the same pattern....

reneGade20 said:

reneGade20 said:

I know that marriage is a partnership and not two individuals flying in the same pattern AND I said she should make her feelings and position known to him. I also said the ball is in her court he has said this is where I am with this...now it's her turn to say, okay that's not going to work for me or not good enough or however she phrases it. It it dialog...it is a conversation...it is productive yelling sometimes... BUT even with all of that the bottom-line is as it has been said it's up to him to change or do whatever... no one can make another person change... you can't ignore the possibility that he may actually feel the way that he does and doesn't want to change. I'm not saying that it may not be the case but looking at all sides everyone is going on the premise that he said this to her (as fucked up as it is) as a sign of lets fix this. I'm acknowledging or at least looking at the possibility that this is exactly what it is for him. It's like my best friend ALWAYS says to me, sometimes there isn't a hidden message...it is exactly what was said...they don't always have happy endings.