My good friend has been told by her husband that he only tolerates the marriage. They have been married for 10 years. Is this a good reason to stay together - I don't think so. He seems to be quite happy plodding along but there is no affection and they argue quite a bit. I say that she is settling for second best but she is finding it hard to get the courage to leave him and take the two children.

What do you think she should do? You can't force someone to do something can you? they have to realise it themselves.

blueblossom said:

There is much to be considered and the first thing is why it has gotten like this. People don't just stop loving each other there are reasons and causes. If these have been adressed and work on...hard.. over time, and the resulting issues are still there then separation may be the best thing, however that time apart may raise feelings and needs that would mean trying again would be a good idea. Re-focusing on the marriage is always hard because we have to face our own failings.

I wish them all the best.

mdiver said:

I think that he has gotten depressed over the death of his father, which was about a year ago, but won't see anyone about it. He is just getting worse and taking it out on her and the kids.

Would you stick at a bad marriage for the sake of the kids - I dunno about this one myself.

blueblossom said:

If it's truly "bad", then no. I think it does worse damage to your children to stay in a loveless and/or awful marriage then to separate. Parents are a child's ultimate role model. Never accept less for yourself less than you'd want for your child.

CarrieMpls said:

This is a very true statement.

Then what needs to be questioned is his determination to heal. Marriage takes time and work and we cant bolt just coz its bad but if a person refuses to get help or try and heal then it damages everyone and that is the time to walk.

blueblossom said:

That isn't really a reason for divorce IMO.

She should actually LEAVE him for a bit, and then most likely he will appreciate her more.

blueblossom said:

What is a BAD marriage?

I think you should stick it out for the kids as long as you or the kids aren't being hurt.

Let me put it this way.

2 happy divorced parents is a hell of a lot better than 2 unhappily married parents going through the motions. Children aren't stupid.

You should never stay together for the sake of the kids.
DO NOT jeopardize your happiness for the happiness of others. (including your own children) You will make matters worse if you don't!
[Edited 6/11/07 5:13am]

DaniDaniBoBani said:

Isn't that an oxymoron?

mdiver said:

I don't know.

What do ya mean?

mdiver said:

Yeah..I don't get that either...
[Edited 6/11/07 5:14am]

FiveFootNine said:

Don't get what?

The marriage taht blue blossom described does NOT sound like a bad marriage to me.

It sounds like a typical one.

One that should stay together if there are kids involved.

I was sayong that if there are kids invoved then they should stay togehter UNLESS someone is being abused or cheated on.

I guess the overriding question is has she attempted to either seek help with him or tried to confront him about their issue (aside from the other arguing)? I definitely agree that staying in such a marriage isn't good, but at the same time its not just the responsibility of one or the other....both must share in the work to fix it...

Now if she has, and he is still in his blue funk or whatever it is, then she shouldn't allow herself to "settle for second-best"....she should state her position as strongly as she can and if he STILL doesn't come out of it, then sayonara baby....that kind of atmosphere is toxic for kids....trust me I know this....my wife and I just resolved a mountain of issues that had dogged us for a long time....and at different points we both made the comment that we were tolerating the marriage....but we got thru it...still working it...its a neverending process....but he's got to get on board and work to fix his part of the marriage, namely convincing his wife that SHE'S #1, not second best....

for some, good....for others, bad

reneGade20 said:

you put that way better than i did so co-sign

mdiver said:

It was your comment that inspired me to write that.....and my own situation so closely paralleling the original post....the thing that folks should remember is that there is no perfect marriage model...its what works for each couple...as long as they acknowledge each other's concerns and treats them as being real, there's no reason a "bad" marriage has to remain so....

reneGade20 said:

I agree 100%. My situation prompted my comment because we tried and tried but in the end there was nothing to save. I am glad we did it like we did because I can hold my head up high and say that I tried and didnt just walk at the first sign of trouble. If i had then i would have been gone at 6 months in but we didnt part until just after our 7 yr anniversary. Exhausting all possibilities helps for the future and in some cases saves things.
You are right there is no "perfect" marriage but there is 50-50...where 2 people focus on each other first and not their own needs primarily it can be wonderful.

It's easy to say "she should leave" & all that but I think people should think long & hard before they tear a family apart, especially when there's kids involved. Try counseling, anything, but both parties have to invest in saving the marriage otherwise one of them (the conscious one) is in it alone anyway so what's the point of that? I wouldn't want to raise my children in a loveless home, but I'd try like hell to make my marriage work before I'd just bounce...

mdiver said:

So very well said!! My wife and I managed to salvage our thing... and we're now about to hit 17 years....most of it was ME....I was the one who had to get past the selfishness....and like I said, its a work in progress...but echoing your sentiment, it was better to face up to it and at least try to make the changes needed to fix it than to just up and scat....

i think marriage is a state of mind as much as it is anything else. it's like a business partnership, and i think the people in the marriage need to be on the same page about what they want and if they're able to go the long haul for those goals. i don't think "aw shucks, i love you, let's get married" cuts it for a successful marriage. i think too few people explore the "why" of tying the knot, only to have to confront the "why" after the fact when it's too late.

anyway. that's my take.

Anxiety said:

Very, very true. I think people enter into it all too lightly sometimes - marriage, kids, the whole bit...

Anxiety said:

This is true.

Love doesn't cut it!!

DaniDaniBoBani said:

love is awesome but it's also irrational and undependable. i wouldn't use love as collateral.

Anxiety said:

It's FLEETING!

Anxiety said:

Don't use TOFU either it sux ass!

DaniDaniBoBani said:

No its not....that is infatuation, love is like anything in life worth having it requires massive ammounts of work, dedication and communication....then it grows beyond belief.Different loves require differnt work but they all combine if they are worked on enough

mdiver said:

ok, let me tell you a thing or two about sucking as...eh, never mind
[Edited 6/11/07 6:32am]

Anxiety said:

Go get your paper bag again