Well, I don’t generally start threads and very rarely do I reply on threads, but any opinions would be appreciated. Everyone I talk to in my daily life has some sort of bias, and I would like any objective opinions I can get. I figure at a sight like this, there really is a wide demographic of users and life experiences.

Does anyone have any experience in marriage counseling saving a marriage? I have been married since 99, but we have lived together since 1989. I was 18 when I met my husband under somewhat questionable circumstances. In about 2 weeks, I will have been with him half of my life. We knew each for 4 days before he moved in with my girlfriends and me. After several months we moved into his mom’s house, and eventually bought our own. We spend 24 x 7 together, and I mean literally 24 x 7, work, commute, shopping etc…

Over the years, we found out my husband couldn’t have kids, which led to years of alcohol issues, and unfortunately my husband was a very mean drunk. About 3 years ago, I told him stop drinking or I am leaving, and get some kind of counseling. At the time he told me “I will quit drinking, but there will be something else that is causing problems” and me, being somewhat naïve said, no way, once you quit drinking it will all be roses and blue skys. So he quit drinking but developed other bad intake habits, and I once again, I was done and left. When I came back the next day he was nearly dead, as he was alone and hurt himself because I left. So after some an ambulance ride and several surgeries, he picked up a pain med addiction, and my codependency issues kicked in.

Well, now he is “done” with his addictions, and he is striving to do everything I said he needs to, stop the alcohol, stop the drugs, go to work every day, stop complaining etc.. but I still find myself with so much resentment and anger. I know I need to let go of the past, and I told him I don’t know if I can forgive him, and I find myself just reaming him about anything any chance I get, and this makes me feel so guilty. I don’t know if I am being so cruel to him because I am angry and resentful or if deep down in my heart I know that I don’t be in this relationship anymore because he has hurt me too much. In the past 6 months, I have packed my bags and driven away at least 6 times, but I turn around because I feel so guilty for breaking his heart, he doesn’t deserve to be so greatly hurt. I don’t want to break crush his spirit, by making he feel like he is constantly doing the wrong thing, I love him he has such a great soul, it is just the daily life that he has issues with.

He suggested marital counseling, and I just don’t know if I should try that or admit that I can beat a dead horse (the horse being our marriage, not him), do you think marriage counseling helps?

i think you could do worse things than to air your issues in front of an uninvolved third party who is trained to listen and analyze your situation. sometimes a counselor can help spouses really HEAR what the other person has been trying to say for years. try it. if it doesn't work, at least you can say you did it.

Give it a try. Any counselling is a good idea, you may well find out things about each others feelings that gives you more insight. You have nothing to lose.

orgnote coming sweetie
[Edited 5/23/07 10:38am]

It sounds like there is still love there so YES.

Two suggestions - check the qualifications of whomever you choose. PHD prefered.

and be sure you're both open to change and criticism. You'd be surprised how some stuff you think is your partners is really yours

It's worth a try - good luck

I dunno about marriage conseling and if it really works or not. But what it does do is open up the lines for honest communication, which many couples are incapable of doing.

I am less concerned with him, than I am you. You are really really angry at him and it doesn't sound like you really want this marriage anymore despite marriage counseling. It could be you have tried and tried and tried and don't want to try anymore. That's why you posted to see if there is any foundation to your belief of "marriage counseling isn't gonna work". It probably won't because you no longer want it to and are looking for ways to prove it. Marriage counseling can work, I think if both parties want it to and if they want to save the marriage.

Do you? Or are you sooooo done and wanting to move onto something else? Do you feel that if your anger abated, you would still want to be in this marriage?

WHat has kept you from leaving him? There must be something keeping you from going the distance to divorce. If you want your marriage to work, you need to find that something that is keeping you there and really examine it.

Well I'll now give input....I consulted a marriage counselor within a year of our marriage. Problems with a stepdaughter, mother-in-law..etc,, My hubby attended a session. He never looked the counselor in the eye. Looked away. Could not handle it at all. What I got out of it is, "Don't bother with things that don't affect you". That worked!
Don't stay with someone who has different ethics or values as yourself. Bottom line. My own conclusion.
As far as the advice I was given by the counselor, along with whatever theories he had 24 years ago: sure, it doesn't affect me now. What does affect me is a pattern of behavior in dealing with problems. You either get out now,,,, or stay, with the understanding you love the person enough to deal with a complex life.
[Edited 5/23/07 20:50pm]