I have a friend who is in a situation where her husband is a recovering alcoholic and he hasn't had a drink in a couple motnhs.

He had a serious problem, but the wqife (my friend) did not. But to be supportive of him, she quit buying alcohol for in their home. Okay that was fine. So they'd go out to dinner and what not, and even though my friend was also a heavy drinker and jonesed for a drink, she wouldn't let on. But her HUSBAND would say....Go ahead and get a drink honey, and so then she would...but only after his, telling her to do so.

This goes on for a bit, and eventually the husband had some co-workers over and told them to bring some beers for themselves, so they did. His wife was like, are you sure your okay with all this and he was like, YEAH. He even went to the extent of putting the lime in the Corona for them, and said it was OKAY.

So after a while it gets to the point where the wife CANNOT wait till the weekends come, so she can go out and unwind with a couple drinks. The husband was still like, NO BIG DEAL.

Okay so then it gets warmer out and they have cook outs and what not during the week, and her friends start bringing her cases of beer.

THEN the husband starts saying stuff, in a joking matter about how all she does is drink....don't bring ehr beer...blah blah....But he says it in a JOKING way.

This continues and she starts going out once every week or so WITHOUT him and it's not like she's going out JUST TO drink...but alcohol is there so she partakes.

NOW he still says, ITS FINE and JUST GO.

But NOW, every time they get in a little argument he BRINGS IT UP.

That 'she is not supportive, she's bringing alcohol and going out all the time' etc.

So my questions are this....
First of all, is it HER problem that HE had a problem? Should she have stop unwinding for HIS sake?

Also, I told her that, it seems that he's just USING her drinking as leverage for when they fight...and that he could REALLY care less.....OR is it that he DOES care or he wouldn't bring it up in the first place.....

THOUGHTS??

i don't think there is an easy solution. but i do think that when one partner has a life-threatening addiction (which alcoholism truly is) the other partner should be willing to go to extreme lengths to protect that other person while they need help.

for now, maybe a totally alcohol-free home environment is necessary for the recovering husband. maybe later when he feels stronger in his recovery, it will be okay for his wife to drink around him and even have alcohol in the house. but for now imo he should never be around it.
[Edited 5/17/07 10:17am]

XxAxX said:

Yeah, no easy solution.
I guess its just a hard situation all the way around. Your probably right though.
Geez, they will probably have a boring summer.

Here's the bottom line. If they are committed to being together then her problems are his problems and vice versa. Take it from there

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

So do you think she's being immature in feeling entitled to do her own thing?

it's called co-dependance.

virginie74 said:

Whats that?

RaggDoll said:

No. But if she really is committed to him, she has to realize he has a problem. She either wants to help him through it or she doesn't but helping him should not be a blank check for her to be destroyed in the process....

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

See..now your saying if she really wants to help she will...but what do you mean by the being destroyed part??

Also, (I'm just playing victoms advocate here) I have ANOTHER recovering alcoholic friend, and he's been recovering for MANY yrs now successfuly, and he say that, if the husband doesn't wanna drink he WON'T regardless of what SHE does. Aren't you responsible for YOURSELF?

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

Yeah. Would it kill her to cut booze off for a few months? I realize everyone's different, but both of my parents are severe alcoholics (one recovering), and though I love being drunk, I've never craved the drink. You mentioned that during the week she 'can't WAIT' until the weekend to 'blow off steam'. Maybe she could do something else in the place of drinking to ease her nerves? Sex, exercise, a new exciting hobby, etc? For fear of sounding American, it truly sounds like she's got her own problem in the making.

Like Richard and XxAxX mentioned, she took a vow to support him through times like these. There's nothing bad about sacrificing a little herself, especially if it's going to help him loads.

If he's pretty new to being sober, it's respectful to not expose him to alcohol right away. Why tempt him?

Down the road he needs to be okay around alcohol, since you can't avoid it in life, but give him time to recover first.

INSATIABLE said:

Well I think everyone has different symptoms and what not.
I mean, if we were to go by the book definition of an alcoholic, pretty much EVERYONE and their brother is an alchie, yanno?

I think only SHE deep down would know wether she has a problem or not.

I hear ya on the last part though, there are sacrifices in marriage.

RaggDoll said:

YES. Everyone's responsible for their own actions. Absolutely! But just like people kicking cigarettes, it always helps to quit any kind of drug/addiction when you avoid surrounding yourself with constant temptation all the time. When I lost over 100 pounds, my very supportive best friend ate healthy with me because she knew what it did to me when I was picking at a nasty salad while her plate was heaping with delicious, unhealthy food. I would never have expected her to sacrifice like that. But I have her to thank for not bringing temptations under my nose on a daily basis. She did it out of love.

But I know how hard it is.

I quit smoking weed & cigarettes, and I can be around it (though sometimes it's tempting. still it's my decision to not smoke, not anyone else's), but I also want my girl to stop smoking now.

It's not fair, though, and if someone close to me quit drinking I wouldn't want to never have a beer again.

It can definitely become a big issue. I think couples should more or less be on the same page. It won't work to have just one of you drunk, unfortunately. But you should be allowed to have a drink here & there.

virginie74 said:

"The term "codependent" originated as a term to describe people who were involved in relationships with either drug addicted or alcohol addicted spouses or lovers.

In the book, Melody Beattie explains that a codependent is a person who believes their happiness is derived from one person in particular, and eventually the codependent becomes obsessed with controlling the behavior of that one person." (wikipedia)
[Edited 5/17/07 11:43am]

NDRU said:

I gotcha.

Quiting smoking was my biggest trial in life, well one.

But we DO replace one addiction with another.....so whats YOURS?

Ah hell, so wifie needs to put down the bottle.

NDRU said:

True strength right there. It's one thing to recover, it's another thing to moderate for life. Let's get real--life without alcohol? That ain't right.

INSATIABLE said:

Girl, I KNOW!
I understand what your saying up top though.

Be a good girl and support the alcoholic hubby...so what about her going out w/out him? Certainley she can drink THEN rite?

virginie74 said:

And Oprah expanded upon it.

liberation said:

Woah, okay, what does that have to do with the scenario?? Explain.

I'm not intelligent enough to explain further.

RaggDoll said:

I just think you should be respectful, and nobody who's sober wants to be around drunks. Don't keep alcohol around where he'll find it & don't have tons of fun without him drinking with other people--for a little while.

As for me I'm hooked on my needlepoint. Heroin, that is.

RaggDoll said:

I didn't even know it was you! Nice to see you, you've been missed sweetie. Hope things are good.

I don't care what anyone says--that girl deserves to be able to go out and drink with her friends. As long as she can avoid coming home to bed smelling like gin, he can't blame her for having a good time every once in a while. As long as he doesn't feel left out of the fun. Maybe she could blow him more often to balance the scales. That way, she won't feel as guilty.

PS--good on him for wanting to break the habit.

INSATIABLE said:

I'm great doll. And I totally wanted to go unknown, but DAMN those PHOTO THREADS!!!!!

She has a problem too ; first to choose an alcoholic, two to stay with him. When you stay with someone so long, it's for two reasons, or you are adddicted yourself, or you are taking benefit of the situation (the alcoholic needs help).

When someone got rid of an addiction, the relationships change and the roles too.

She could support him, but maybe it's not the time for her to look at her own problems.

A lot of people who lived with a drug/alcohol addict have to be cured as well.

RaggDoll said:

You always lose anonymity with me when I see you type "rite". Just checked the photo thread. You look happy.

INSATIABLE said:

OH GEEZ! THATS WHAT IT WAS!!

I was being so careful too! HAHAH

Virginie74 : That is a very interesting concept. And I'm sure its the case with most....but every situation is different. I mean....what IS an alcoholic anyways....and what if they met when they were young and just slowly became alcoholics together....not that she CHOSE to be with an alcoholic?

RaggDoll said:

It's not especially alcohol, it's everything that could make this person being "unavailable" for your love, and often, it's because someone (usually one of your parents, maybe both) were not available for you. This leads to a role, and usually people are not aware of it. There r plenty of roles, and one have to get rid of them all before he can choose someone matching his/her innerself (and not something he''s just used too).

virginie74 said:

Wow.

I get it now.

My hubby is a recovering alcoholic. This has not been a easy road, which I knew it wouldn't. But he is better and better by the day, this man spent the majority of his life drinking, heavily at times to I might add. He would drink when he came home in the evenings ( and I'm talking alot 12-18 cans/bottles..whatever), if he woke up in the middle of the night, he'd drink to go back to sleep, it got to the point that it was affecting our relationship enough that I knew we had to make a decision or I was gonna have to leave ( there are children involved)..one night he just decided that it was enough and he wasn't going to drink anymore..( I am not a drinker, by definition. I might have an occasional mixed drink maybe 2-3 times a year..that's it), so as far as keeping alcohol away, that wasn't an issue. The toughest thing was to get out of that habit of going by the store on the way home, then there were nights of withdrawal symptoms, the cravings, the moodiness, etc..etc.., but they have passed.
I think your friend should really support her hubby by not drinking for a while herself ( if this is possible). Alot of his success depends on him, mainly on him, but I know it can mean alot for someone to have support from a spouse. It won't be easy for either one of them and they'll probably end up fussing at one another for no apparent reason, but it's all part of getting over the addiction.
Best of luck to your friend and her husband..I know this may sound silly to some, but we have said alot of prayers to help get us through this and I firmly believe in the power of prayer. best of luck to them..