i'm so sorry you had to go through that. i completely agree with a lot of what you said - distancing yourself from people is supposed to be a bad thing but a lot of the time i think it's good/necessary. nothing hurts more than a friend screwing you over.

Sometimes. Sometimes not. We all have our moments. More of an optimistic realist, I'd call it, but it does get misconstrued as cynicism, occasionally.


I'm trying to fight a feeling which I will never forgive one of my so-called friends causing me to feel. Maybe someone can offer some advice on this, who knows?

For those who remember my thread about a year or so ago, about my ex-housemate who screwed me over financially and made me out to be a liar, I have retreated into myself somewhat. My friends have always been my life - along with music, the most precious thing to me. Having spent the last 15 or so years estranged from my family, you cannot imagine how important my friends have become and how much faith and trust I have put in those closest to me. My friends literally *are* my family. I would not be here without them. I owe them EVERYTHING.

However, round about 2 years ago, I made the mistake of helping out someone financially - to my own detriment - but, at the time, he was someone I considered a close friend and a friend in need, etc., etc.. I loaned him money and he promised to pay me back; I didn't give it a second thought. I couldn't afford to do it at all but I completely trusted this person and I wanted to help out. I'll spare you all the details but the end result was that this person eventually did a runner, told anyone willing to listen that I was a liar, that I'd never loaned him a penny and I have never heard from him since. Apart from the humiliation, the anger and the shock of what happened, I was completely ripped apart by what he did. All I tried to do was help someone out, my intentions came from a good place; and that was what I got in return. He completely shat on our friendship and on my good intentions. If anyone had done that to me I would've been upset; but to have it done to me by one of my so-called 'friends'... That is what killed me. It has completely changed me; and not necessarily for the better. I was just never prepared for someone I called a friend - the most important thing in my entire world - to do that.

Once upon a time, I would've given my *all* for those I love - and I still would, to some degree. But after what he did... I felt so stupid, so used, so humiliated - I found it a truly painful experience. I am determined that no-one will treat me like that again. It has caused me to build a wall around my heart, almost, and even the closest people in my life have been affected by that. That is the tragedy of what he did.

I no longer care about the money - sure, it would come in very handy but it's only money. I don't even give a rat's ass about this guy anymore. Fuck him. And I always swore that I would not let one bad apple spoil the rest; I know that he is the exception, not the rule, and that most people in my life would never dream of doing what he did. But that is what I have allowed him to make me feel - I have retreated from the very people I love the most, if only to 'protect' myself. Melodramatic as it may sound, I cannot even imagine what it would do to me if it ever happened again. And that is why I cannot forgive him - fuck him, fuck the money... it's not important. But I will never forgive him for causing me to feel like this, for ripping apart my sense of trust. I am re-building it, slowly, but my fingers have been badly burned. I wouldn't say it's *that* noticeable, but it is something which has left its' definite mark on me. I hate feeling this way.

That probably sounds completely miserable and that I have this huge mistrust of people. I don't, I swear. I am still convinced that most people are inherently good. But it has made me more cynical and I guess I am just eager for others' opinions or some soothing words that will allow me to make sense of this. Because I cannot make sense of it. I guess you just have to trust some people and stay the hell away from others. And make sure you look out for yourself in the process. I just wish I hadn't learned that lesson in this way.

Sometimes. Sometimes not. We all have our moments. More of an optimistic realist, I'd call it, but it does get misconstrued as cynicism, occasionally.


I'm trying to fight a feeling which I will never forgive one of my so-called friends causing me to feel. Maybe someone can offer some advice on this, who knows?

For those who remember my thread about a year or so ago, about my ex-housemate who screwed me over financially and made me out to be a liar, I have retreated into myself somewhat. My friends have always been my life - along with music, the most precious thing to me. Having spent the last 15 or so years estranged from my family, you cannot imagine how important my friends have become and how much faith and trust I have put in those closest to me. My friends literally *are* my family. I would not be here without them. I owe them EVERYTHING.

However, round about 2 years ago, I made the mistake of helping out someone financially - to my own detriment - but, at the time, he was someone I considered a close friend and a friend in need, etc., etc.. I loaned him money and he promised to pay me back; I didn't give it a second thought. I couldn't afford to do it at all but I completely trusted this person and I wanted to help out. I'll spare you all the details but the end result was that this person eventually did a runner, told anyone willing to listen that I was a liar, that I'd never loaned him a penny and I have never heard from him since. Apart from the humiliation, the anger and the shock of what happened, I was completely ripped apart by what he did. All I tried to do was help someone out, my intentions came from a good place; and that was what I got in return. He completely shat on our friendship and on my good intentions. If anyone had done that to me I would've been upset; but to have it done to me by one of my so-called 'friends'... That is what killed me. It has completely changed me; and not necessarily for the better. I was just never prepared for someone I called a friend - the most important thing in my entire world - to do that.

Once upon a time, I would've given my *all* for those I love - and I still would, to some degree. But after what he did... I felt so stupid, so used, so humiliated - I found it a truly painful experience. I am determined that no-one will treat me like that again. It has caused me to build a wall around my heart, almost, and even the closest people in my life have been affected by that. That is the tragedy of what he did.

I no longer care about the money - sure, it would come in very handy but it's only money. I don't even give a rat's ass about this guy anymore. Fuck him. And I always swore that I would not let one bad apple spoil the rest; I know that he is the exception, not the rule, and that most people in my life would never dream of doing what he did. But that is what I have allowed him to make me feel - I have retreated from the very people I love the most, if only to 'protect' myself. Melodramatic as it may sound, I cannot even imagine what it would do to me if it ever happened again. And that is why I cannot forgive him - fuck him, fuck the money... it's not important. But I will never forgive him for causing me to feel like this, for ripping apart my sense of trust. I am re-building it, slowly, but my fingers have been badly burned. I wouldn't say it's *that* noticeable, but it is something which has left its' definite mark on me. I hate feeling this way.

That probably sounds completely miserable and that I have this huge mistrust of people. I don't, I swear. I am still convinced that most people are inherently good. But it has made me more cynical and I guess I am just eager for others' opinions or some soothing words that will allow me to make sense of this. Because I cannot make sense of it. I guess you just have to trust some people and stay the hell away from others. And make sure you look out for yourself in the process. I just wish I hadn't learned that lesson in this way.

I'm so sorry this happened to you, too.

Something similar happened to me, believe it or not.

But the saving grace was I had this boyfriend at the time who told me that I should never loan money I didn't expect to lose. Those few comments just changed my perspective on the whole incident--well on a lot of things. Now, when I'm disappointed in people, I try to evaluate first how I may have contributed to a bad situation. Then once I take my share if any of the responsibility, I think that maybe something like breaking a trust says more about the person who broke it--not necessarily that the person is untrustworthy in all situations--but maybe something beyond my control or influence as caused this person to respond in an negative way.

Being optimistic, I still go-in to relationships trusting people, but I've learned that everyone, including myself, makes mistakes. I also will forgive a person for making mistakes because I have to forgive myself for not being the best I can be at all times, too. I'm not perfect, so I still become disappointed , hurt, and angry when people let me down, but all I can do is know for certain my heart is in the right place. Believe me, I've gotten angry, but eventually I do forgive, opening myself up to potentially stonger, better relationships. Like you, I will choose to end a friendship if it's detrimental to my well-being because I'm not going to allow someone to constantly take advantage of my optimism. I will move-on, but after the anger subsides it's more about the lessons I've learned about myself from the friendship or relationship than holding on to anything negative.

The truth is that sometimes relationships, including friendships, aren't meant to be or they are only meant for a specific time. It's just one of those things sometimes due to extenuating circumstances beyond anyone's control. We can only be sure about our actions, thoughts, and words--not necessarily the motivations and resulting actions of others. That said, things might not always be as they appear, but then again, we have to protect ourselves from being hurt and make some tough decisions. Sometimes we have to let-go of more than just the friendship or person, but the baggage as well.

I, like you, enjoy my own company, but I also am a people-person. When disappointed by some, I just keep my heart open. There are a lot of good people out there, too.

I guess sometimes we learn the hard way.

Come to Windsor sometime; I'll buy ya a drink.

I'd say in a way I have due to the hard truths that I've had to learn about life. Also because I've been disappointed and let down so much, it's just changed my perspective about life.

Would you say the same thing about yourself?

I think I voted never to have kids because I am so distraught by the state of this world....I can't imagine bringing a child in to what the future is going to hold for them.... I saw three little babies chasing after bubbles in the park today and I'm not gonna lie, I totally welled up