her spouse. They have only been married for a couple of years, but dated/lived together for several years prior. I talked to her tonight & she told me that she wants to move out. I asked her if she had told spouse about how she felt, and she said yes, repeatedly and that he says he's going to 'change' but then he never does. She gets frustrated that he forgets to do things, or that she has to constantly remind him about stuff related to the business they own together; but then she said she thinks he is too good for her. (Which I told her was ridiculous--she is super smart & talented in her job.)

I don't know what to tell her about moving out though... I suggested that she talk to husband and tell him he needs to do A, B, & C by x date or the consequence will be y; which she said she did. I suggested counseling too, but she didn't seem so into that.

I know it's difficult to give advice, especially without knowing the whole situation, which I feel like I don't know either. You never completely know what goes on between 2 people when they are alone. The other thing that makes it complicated is that they co-own their business. I was trying to understand how moving out would solve anything because she would still go to work everyday and see him and have to deal with him.

All this took place at a party and to make matters worse, spouse came over during the conversation and knew something was up...my friend had been crying a bit and I think he could tell. Awkward. I tried to pretend like we were talking about something else, but I know they probably got into a huge fight on the way home.

I don't know what to tell her...of course I want her to be happy but part of me thinks that she should give it/husband more time before making the decision to move out. (Marriage is hard work, right?) So do I say something (e.g. my opinion) or just listen and try to be as objective as possible?

sounds like you've already given the best advice you could, and pretty sound stuff at that, so I'd say just be there to listen from now on

Fauxie said:

You've done what you could, now be there to listen.

It's rough to see friends and loved ones in such a hard place.

Sounds like she has fallen out of love with him. Just because he forgets to do things business related or otherwise is no reason to leave ones spouse. There is a much deeper issue going on here.

Before she makes her final decision, let her know that they should try counseling together. Perhaps there is a reason why he is so forgetful and should get checked out as well.

I wish your friend and her husband the best. Marriage ain't easy sometimes, but trying to work through the hard times and sticking together while doing so can make it work if both people really try.
[Edited 2/25/07 4:28am]

I say encourage her to give it as much thought as possible before doing anything drastic. Just be her friend & be there for her

I would advise her to get out of the business they run together first, and see how that changes things. Working together can kill even good relationships, and sometimes the strain it puts on both partners can be hard to see before it's removed.

Thanks everyone for the suggestions...last night when she told me we were at a party (as I said) and she had "smoked up" a little + drinking so I'm not sure what all she remembers...I don't smoke & only had 1 glass of wine, so I remember everything pretty well--should I should email her today or tomorrow or just wait and see if she brings it up again?

retina said:

I like this option--to further complicate the fact that they work together, their offices are on the top floor of where they live...so they work & live together & work in the same place as they live! I don't know how they do it--even when you love someone you need a little time apart! I think it would definitely be easier to leave a job than seperate from a spouse.

jone70 said:

my wife and I, while we were dating and later engaged, ended up living and working together....it caused faults and other minor flaws to be magnified to such a point that we broke off the engagement and relationship (ended up together anyway, but who am I to argue with destiny.. )....they may be having a bad case of the "all I see is you" blues and, at least from what she said to you, its critical on her part....

I have to second what retina suggested....and from what you added to your post with respects to their living/working arrangements....I agree with many who suggested talking it out and trying to find a solution other than just breaking up....she may find that things aren't as bad as they seem....

My 2 cents is that they should NOT be in business together. Could be the genesis for their issues. He could also have ADD which would lead to his distractions/forgetfulness.

All you can do is be there for her, and listen.

Hopefully she does try to work things out with her husband.

Marriage is hard work, and is a binding contract, and should be given as many tries as you possible can give.

But sometimes it just STILL doesn't work, and at times it is best to part ways.

If she is making the rite decision in leaving her husband, she is going to need you. And if she is making a MISTAKE in leaving her huhsband she is going to need you even MORE.

She is not going to want to feel judged by you. (I know your NOT judging and you just want whats best for her) but your roll as a friend is to support HER decision.

jone70 said:

It's a bad sign if she's more interested in ultimatums than in counseling.

Oh, also wanted to say, that you're rite.

No one knows what goes on behind closed doors, some would be shocked at what goes on in the homes of some of the most seemingly normal family's.

Soooo, leaving may actually help the marriage.

If her husband won't change, maybe her leaving him, will show him that she's serious, and he will then change, and the marriage will be better than ever.

FunkMistress said:

Who is the counseling for?

Her? Him? Both?

What did he supposedly do to her?

What kind of changes does she want him to make?

FunkMistress said:

SureThing said:

Who is the counseling for? Her? Him? Both?I thought for both of them...marriage counseling, I guess?


What did he supposedly do to her? Nothing specific that I know of. I can confidently say that he's not an alcoholic or wife-beater. If he was having an affair and she knew there would be no "thinking" about it, and I would probably encourage her to leave his cheatin' ass. I think she is just fed up with him in general; which, to me personally, is not a good enough reason. But I'm not her or in her marriage, so I didn't say that.

What kind of changes does she want him to make? I don't know...I didn't really ask because I sort of felt like it wasn't my business to know all the little details...and we were at a party; I didn't want her to get more upset b/c hubby was on the other side of the room. She mentioned the word 'slacker' and one of the last straws was that he didn't even get her a card for V-Day and when she told him he could buy her something else--which she picked out for him, he had still not done it 2 weeks later.

jone70 said:

Oh.

Well, yeah, then marriage counseling would be the only answer, I would think.

I thought the guy was a jack ass or something.

jone70 said:

Say it. She needs someone to say it to her.



Without knowing your friend, it seems like she's lacking perspective. She's only seeing what's in front of her eyes, namely, the little things that annoy her or the little ways he doesn't live up to her expectations, instead of the big picture (does he love her, respect her, want to make her happy?) Not getting a Valentine's Day card is not a reason to end a marriage. She needs to get her priorities straight and remember that you can't just walk out the door and easily find another person willing to love you and stick with you.

Okay...so can someone please advise as to this part:

As all this transpired at a party and I'm not sure how much she may remember so should I wait for her to bring it up again, or should I email her?

If I do email her should I suggest leaving the business first, or see what she says?


I kind of asked her how it would work with her not living there but having to go there and work w/him everyday and she was like, "well a job is a job...I can do the job." But she mentioned she had already thought about how to extricate herself from the company...

She asked another friend of ours if he thought she was at her best with husband. I said, "shouldn't the question be are you happy?" to which she replied they were sort of one in the same....

FunkMistress said:[quote]

jone70 said:

Well said.

People go through slumps, but they are MARRIED you can't just walk out of a marriage for no good reason.

FunkMistress said:

I like these points...I feel the same way. I guess she must feel like the answer to the first one is no, or husband would be making more of an effort to do things to make her happy or show he respects her, etc (e.g. giving her a card if he knew she would appreciate it). I suppose that b/c she feels like he isn't making an effort she is willing to take the chance of not having anyone...

jone70 said:

I would personally just stay out of it, until she brings it up to you again.

I mean, if she said this at a party, could she have been just talking shit?

FunkMistress said:[quote]

jone70 said:

you can say that 5 more times...the grass isn't greener on the other side..the dating scene is very difficult. I agree with the advice of them not working together for a while and see where things go. I think they just see each other too much, and she might be getting a tad...smothered??? I know that sometimes when people see too much of each other, that mountains are made out of mole hills. I agree with you though, the excuses that she is giving you as a reason to break up aren't good enough. They just need a little space and more communication/understanding. Another thing could be, that is just the way he is. Maybe she should re-think her way of thinking...put the B.S. to the side and really think about what she wants from him.

SureThing said:

Possibly. She could have been testing the waters to see what her friends thought...but that's not really something to joke about, imho. I asked her if she had asked "John" who is her best friend from HS & a friend of mine what he thought but she said no. She did however ask a different mutual friend about it. I don't know what he said. It was really awkward though b/c when her husband came over she was making weird remarks like, "Save me from my life" and her husband was obviously uncomfortable. (I am fairly good friends with him, too.)

SureThing said:

I know you care about her, but don't get too involved. At the end of the day, you can't save their marriage or change her mind.

reneGade20 said:

Just wanted to respond and say I'm glad that it worked out with you and your wife. That is a sweet story.

(And thanks for your input too!)

FunkMistress said:

Yes, that's one reason I didn't ask for specific details about what all she wanted him to change. I don't want to tell her something and have it be "wrong". I don't know what goes on between them 24/7 so I couldn't possibly make the best decision for her. Plus I've never been married and don't currently have a boyfriend...I was like, "are you sure you want to ask my opinion on this? I don't have the greatest track record." lol.

Well, just try not too give too much opinion and try to do a lot of supporting.

I left my husband (well, threw him out) for a short period of time.

Anyways, for yrs before the split my best friend begged me to leave him.

When it finally happened, she took the 'maybe you should just try to work it out' stance.

Needless, to say, me and my husband are back together, but her and I don't have the same friendship we used to.

Support her, no matter what.

jone70 said:

Anytime....hope things work out for your friend too.....

FUCK.

I sent my friend (and several other friens) an email about something completely unrelated and she wrote back, responded to my news and then at the end of the email put "In other news, we need to talk more about me crashing on your couch permanently. Perhaps this weekend."