As some may or may not know, my son has ADHD. He has managed it for the last three years without the use of medication, which his mother and I have been happy about. However, after careful monitoring, we feel it is time to revisit this. A choice that has not come easy, nor does it sit well with us. We feel it is the best option at this point though. His grades are slipping, even though he is brilliant. He has gotten suspended numerous times over things that if he just took the time to think, he would have made a better decision.


Well, my mother has a "no drug" view on life. So much so that she refuses to take the medications her doctor says she needs, and she and everyone around her suffer accordingly. Over the last few weeks, she has been on my case daily to NOT consider medication as an option. I listened to her, and took her feelings into consideration. I read every piece of anti medication literature she gave me (I have done plenty of research on my own as a responsible parent, but she somehow thinks we just haphazardly say MEDICATE HIM).

She fails to accept that he is OUR son and we are going to make the decisions we feel are best at the time. My father continues to tell her that she needs to understand that.

Well, after telling her that we plan on trying the medication again, she told me that as of today she no longer has a son and is disowning me because I refuse to listen to her and agree with turning my son into a "zombie". She has moments of suicidal tendencies and of course spoke of not seeing us again because she feels like dying. All this after I told her this morning that I am in love and she cried tears of joy.

I just don't understand how she can not respect the fact that I am his father, his mother is his mother and we are going to parent the best way we know how.

1) You've gotta stop telling her stuff like this.
2) She'll get over it...she loves you and she probably said what she did in a fit.

I'm sorry you were hurt.

That's awful that your mom feels that way. As you said in your post, you are doing what is best for your son.

Damn, Chris.

I am so sorry. I want you to know that it's going to be okay. My mother has told me this as well each time I've dated someone outside of my race. I'm only mentioning this because I want you to know that it will get better. She will eventually know (whether she informs you or not) that what you're doing is not easy, is what is right at this juncture, and has everything to do with the fact that you're a wonderful father and you want the best for your son. Just because she's told you something incredibly hurtful doesn't mean she doesn't love you.

Being a good dad or mom means keeping an open mind about the options available to your children to better their lives--and sometimes making extremely difficult decisions that aren't 100% of your personal beliefs.

I have so much respect for you and your parenting.

Thank you so much, trust me, I HATE this decision, and it is HARD. But, right now, it seems like our best option.



I just wish my mom would get her head straight.

In general I agree with your mother, I think she feels that "America" is haphazardly decides to medicate children and she's right. However, what you as parents are doing though, is definitely not that. As you say you have made research on it and decided it is the last way out so to speak and it really should be, when all other options are exhausted. Hopefully your mother will come 'round when/if she sees that your son's grades are better and that his behaviour improves as well. If not, then she's about as stubborn as..... her son. All joking aside, don't second guess yourself sweetie.

Now, since I detest medicating children about as much as your mother seems to, I have a few questions:

Here we have personal assistants to children with ADD/ADHD in school, not nearly always but it depends on the school's finances I worked as one, I had 3 kids that I followed to every class and on every break, lunch etc... helping them remember what to bring to each class, keeping them out of trouble in recess and stuff like that, as well as helping them IN class with the school work, since they have concentration problems. Is this an option for your son? Second, I am SO NOT saying you're in any way a bad parent, you know I think you're a great one but I'm gonna ask anyway - How much exercise does your son get? Often kids with ADHD have slight motoric problems which frustrate them but they can't vocalise these issues. PE is EXTREMELY important for these children as well as extracurricular activities that are physical, as much as possible in fact cos it helps them relax and focus. Often they also act out violently when they get frustrated, they tend to do this less when they exercise a lot.

One last thing... make the doctors try a MILD medicine first, one that doesn't alter his mind... if it isn't necessary... I know you know but I just had to say it. Please keep me updated, you're doing the right thing.

that's terrible. you need to do what you feel is right for him, regardless of what she thinks. i've dealt with people who have that all-encompassing anti-medication view, and it's very frustrating. i agree with apples, the less she knows is probably better.

Cherish it cuz a hug from me is a rare thing.

I feel for you....and I'm terribly sorry for you as far as your Mom's reaction...my son was diagnosed with a myriad of disorders, but the doctor's finally settled on ADHD (Autistic was first and we went from there as he consistantly debunked his symptoms). He was on Ritalin for a while, but after a while they put him on some kind of anti-psychotic meds that when he took them correctly, worked fine, but if he didn't take it on time or just not at all, it caused the same kinds of issues you mentioned in your post. We presently don't have him on meds because as he's gotten older, he's managed to overcome some of the side effects of not taking the meds, but there are times that my wife and I wonder if we should get him back on something...which of course is met with howls of disapproval from both sides of the family blah blah blah about how wrong it is....same kinds of threats....

The bottom line is you do for your kid what you feel is best and you can't let other folks determine that for you.

Sorry Jerseykrs I really hope that your mother will come to accept your decision about your son and not let this cause her to miss out on a future relationship with you or her grandson.
[Edited 2/14/07 15:40pm]

She's going to regret saying it. You are her son for life.

your mom's got control issues? this pisses me off jers because no one - no one can say you don't do all you can for your kids

tell her she's only hurting her grandchildren by acting this way

my friend tormented herself before putting her kid on the medication. she explored every other option. she was having such difficulties in school and difficulties interacting with other kids. the kid is much happier now and that is all that matters

She'll get over it hon. Just give her time.

i'm sorry m'dear she won't think like that for much longer, she has to realize how important her family is despite her narrowed views...

It's the kind of sentences a child should never hear from his parent, no matter how old he is. You did the right thing.

Teacher said:

I feel the same way. It is overdiagnosed and used as a band aid. We have struggled for the last year hoping we did not have to go to this extreme. But, if he had diabetes, would I refuse him insulin? Not exactly the same, but it is similar. She fails to see it that way because of HER views on meds.

There are not any such assistants here, unfortunately. And CJ is VERY active. It's not so much the hyperactivity like when he was younger, it's much more an attention and concentration problem at this point.

I wish she could just understand we're trying to do the best we can for him. And no parent should have to tell someone not to tell them what to do with their children.

good god.





she will get over it, i am sure, but i am sorry that someone would say such a mean, horrid thingto someone as wonderful as you.

BCorgman said:

it's not even that Chris, I just want her to understand she has to respect our decisions as his parents. For the love of god I wish she would get the help she needs also.

applekisses said:

i agree with everything she says, especially the 2) part and the part and the 'sorry you were hurt' part.

one thing that's really difficult but important for me to remember is that the things that are said and done in any given moment are only snapshots of the big picture...they're not to be confused with THE big picture. in an hour, a day, a week, a month, whenever, your mom may come around. it may not happen the way you may prefer, but the way she felt when she said that to you will likely change when she has some time to cool off, reflect and consider things more rationally. just give her some time and let her go through that process, and know that you are doing everything you know how to do to be the best father you can. we all know how much you love your kids. so does she.

don't let it get to you any more than i suppose it has to. you've got a great new relationship and you have wonderful kids and a lot of people have your back. keep the good stuff in the front of your mind if you can.

Anx said:

Anx you are a good friend.

jerseykrs said:

i completely understand. it has to be frusterating as hell to have your parents demanding you allow them to choose for your kids instead of letting you be the parent.

not to seem mean or insult your mother, but clearly, she has issues that she would go to the nuclear disowned button over something so trivial and not really much in the way of her business anyway.

i wish there was something i could do or say to fix it, but all i can do is point out she is being really ridiculous, and hope you don't get mad at me for critisizng your mom.

Chris, you've mentioned that CJ's an active boy: despite this, when I was little, joining softball did wonders for my ability to concentrate in school as opposed to when I was going home each night to my Nintendo and Game Boy.

It sounds awfully simple, but seriously--he might do very well if he had a structured sports activity like being on a basketball, baseball or football team. And I'm not a hick by any means--it's just great when kids are CONSISTENTLY getting exercise. P.E. is not enough.

Sorry if he's already on a team. I have no idea if that's already the case. Does he like sports?

BCorgman said:

not at all, it is all true. She has NEVER done this, even after I chose to try and work things out with my cheating ex wife. She just isn't well these days.

INSATIABLE said:

yes, he does. He is currently trying out for the track team, and he rides his bike and skateboards a lot. He simply has trouble maintaining focus in school and thinking before acting.

jerseykrs said:

Cool. As you know, then, keeping consistently active is key to how kids operate during down time.

You're great at "this dad thing". You seriously are.

Her BIGGEST argument is she believes we will permanently damage her brain. One of the worst things is that she has access to the net and has looked up every BAD and NEGATIVE thing she could on ADD/ADHD meds. She felt the need to tell me the Columbine kids had "adhd"



Regardless, I think it will help my son for "now" and hopefully she doesn't kill herself over it or actually never talk to her only son again.

INSATIABLE said:

I simply try to do the best I can, it's what every parent strives for, right? I have made mistakes just like any other father. Thank you though.

The question of whether you feel he needs medication is yours alone (and his mother's) and doing what is right for your son takes precedence. THEN you worry and work on -- with all the devotion of a son -- healing the rift with your mother.

It's a tough situation either way, jersey. I wish you well with your decision.

And expect your son one day to make decisions that don't sit well with you. lol

2the9s said:

Thank you David. Everyones words are helping in their own way. I am by no means mad at mom, I know she just doesn't think straight lately. I worry all the time about the decisions we are making with BOTH our kids, but who the hell gets a manual? No one.