A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and dropped the bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said,"I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S.and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.

" The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently,you don't know how we do things in Louisiana. We settle small disagreements like this with the Louisiana Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the Louisiana Three Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied.

"Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times,and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.

His second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face. The lawyer was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay,you old coot now it's my turn."





(I love this part...)






The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck"

That was good

A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.
After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.
Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.
He panicked, wondering what to tell his wife.
After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal. Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck."
"Hell," she replied, ripping open her blouse. "Look what he did to my tits !"

What does a guy with a 12" dick have for breakfast?
Well, this morning I had 2 eggs with bacon and orange juice.

It is tough being a man...


If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from
the rat race, you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy. If you work too hard,thereis never any time for her. If you don't work enough,you're a good-for-nothing bum.


If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay,this is
exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay,you should get off your ass and find something better.


If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity. If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet,it's male indifference.


If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard. If you thump her, it's wife bashing. If she thumps you, it's self-defense. If you make a decision without consulting her,you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you,she's a liberated woman.



If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy,that's
domination. If she asks you, it's a favor. If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.If you don't, you're gay.


If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic. If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you
don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself.If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a
headache, you don't love her anymore. If you want it too often,you're oversexed. If you don't, there must be someone else.

at 3am i walked into Denny's for a late nite snack.
as i was being shown to my table, there was a blonde in the booth before me, and she was just sitting there staring at a bottle of orenge juice.
anyway i ordered, got my food, ate it, and was waiting for my bill as i noticed she was still staring at the orenge juice.
i got up paid my bill and was about to leave, when curiosity got the best of me.
i walked back to where she sat and asked.
"'scuse me, but it's been over an hour sence i noticed you
staring at that orenge juice... whut's up???"
she said "it says CONCENTRATE!"

too long!

what was the punchline? i'm not reading all of that!

bkw said:

Oh man! Good one bkw! "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck" !! LMAO. What could the lawyer say after that? Nothing!

Okay, okay, hold on. Here's one. Three guys walk into a bar...No! Three priests, a rabbi...I mean one priest! A priest and a rabbi and a uh, what's the name of the other religions same type of holy guy? Not a bishop (Is it a bishop? a mullah? Hmmm...)

Anyway, they walk, the three of them, the priest etc., into a bar, (although I forget why they are going into a bar. That's not important.) and the bartender goes up to them...now wait a minute, how does that go again?

Oh man, it is so hysterical!

Here's another one for you bkw

An Englishman, Aussie and South African are in a bar one night having
a beer.

All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun shoots, the glass to pieces and says, "In Sath Ifrika glasses are so cheap thet we don't need to drink from the same one
twice".

The Aussie obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says, "Well mate, in 'straaailia we have so much sand to make the glasses
that we don't need to drink out of the same glaass twice either."

The Englishman, cool as a cucumber. Picks up his beer and drinks it throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Australian and says, "In England we have so many f*@&ing South Africans and Australians that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice"

2the9s said:

That is actually how I tell a joke in face to face conversation.

A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event.

The man thought, "Great...he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"

"Just one Dad." gasped the still wide-eyed lad. Just as the father is preparing his birds and bees story, his son asks -

"How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"

A man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing nothing but a seran wrap diaper. He asks the doctor "what is wrong with me?"

The doctor replies, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."

The "Stella" awards rank up there with the Darwin awards. In 1994, a New Mexico jury awarded $2.9 million in damages to an 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who suffered 3rd degree
burns to her legs, groin, and buttocks after spilling a cup of McDonald's coffee on herself.

This case inspired an annual award - The "Stella" Award - for the most frivolous lawsuit in the U.S. The cases listed below are clear candidates. They are verging on the outright ridiculous and yet (in the good old USA) with the right attorney you could win anything.

1.) January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the
misbehaving little snot was Mrs. Robertson's son.

2.) June 1998: A 19 year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

3.) October 1998: Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just robbed by way of the garage. He was unable to get the garage door open since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and the garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation. Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage
for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found and a bag of dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance, claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish.
The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars.

4.) October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in it's owner's fenced-in yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

5.) May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, PA $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

6.) December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring
city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

And the winner is:

7.) Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City. In November 2000, Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32 foot Winnebago
motor home. On his first trip home, having joined the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the Winnie left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the handbook that he could not actually do this. He was awarded $1,750,000 plus a new Winnebago. (Winnebago actually changed their handbooks on the back of this court case, just in case there are any other complete morons buying their vehicles.)

LittleRedCorvette said:

theC
One Word...RIGGODDAMDICULOUS

madhouseman said:

I'm sorry. That's the best one on this whole thread.

A guy walks into the doctors and says "Doctor, doctor, I keep signing "Green, Green Grass Of Home", "Delilah" and "What's New Pussycat?", what's wrong with me?!

The doctor says "Hmm, seems like a classic case of Tom Jones syndrome."

The patient now confused asks "Is that a common disease then?"

The doctor replies "It's not unusual."

Hahahaha...erm...sorry

logger said:

I did not find any of your joke funny. What type of women are you running into?
That will be like me sayin that men can only think about one thing and if they don't get it then they have to find some hoe to fuck until his girl give in.

purplechild25 said:

I did not find any of your joke funny. What type of women are you running into?
That will be like me sayin that men can only think about one thing and if they don't get it then they have to find some hoe to fuck until his girl give in


HEY..!! i am one of those lucky girls...


u say all that as if its a BAD thing...???

gosh if u r as "bad" as u say there would be more adventure in that philosophy

I know it is an old joke but I like it!


Sam wanted to purchase a gift for his girlfriend on her birthday, and, as they had not been dating for very long, after careful consideration he decided that a pair of gloves would strike the right note; thoughtful, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his girlfriend's sister, he went to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself at the same time.

During the wrapping, (yes, you've guessed ..) the shop assistant mixed up the items. The sister got the gloves and the young man got the panties. Without checking the contents the man sent the parcel to his girlfriend
with the following note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when you go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade; the shop
assistant showed me a similar pair she herself had been wearing for the last 3 weeks and they were hardly soiled at all.

I asked her to try yours on and, although they were a little tight, they looked really smart. She told me that the material helps to keep her ring clean and shiny; in fact she hasn't had to wash it since she began wearing
them.

I wish I could put them on for you, as no doubt, many other hands will touch them before I have the chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow into them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times my lips will
kissthem in the coming year. I hope that you will wear them for me on Friday
night."

All my love, Sam.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

And another one!

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop in charge of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went
up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.

The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" "No matter," said the man,"observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man ?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied,

"but ..."

(wait for it ...)

"his face rings a bell.'


BUT WAIT! WAIT! There's more . . .


The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened ? Who is this man ?"
the first monk asked breathlessly. "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop,

"but..."

("wait for it ...)





"he's a dead ringer for his brother."

...and another one!


An Australian ventriloquist visiting Wales, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.
He figures he'll have little fun.

Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me
to the lake once a week to play."
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think." Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Villager: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: "The sheep's a f***ing liar!

One afternoon a little girl returned from school and announced that her friend had told her where babies come from. Amused, her mother replied
"Really, sweetie. Why don't you tell me all about it?" The little girl explained, "Well... OK... the Mommy and Daddy take off all of their clothes and then Daddy's thingy sort of stands up and then Mommy puts it in her mouth and then it sort of explodes and that's how you get babies".
Her mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her eye to eye and said, Oh, Darling, that's sweet, but that's not how you get babies...that's how you get jewelry.

...Is that enough???

... Son playing with his new electric train in the living room. Mother heard the train stop and her son saying:
"All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we're going down the tracks".
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later,the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.
Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say: "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a
pleasant one."
She hears the little boy continue: "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey
with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added: "For those of you who are p**sed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat b*tch in the kitchen."

This isn't a joke, but sure as hell funny.

TEXAS CHILI COOK-OFFS

NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how True this is! They actually have a chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome!

You will likely want to read this behind closed doors or without students in the room because, if you are like me, you will be howling out loud.

INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
directions to the beer wagon, when the call came.

I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting - So I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

___

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
___

CHILI # 2 - ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.

___

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.

___

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

___

CHILI # 5 - LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive!

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage; Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Screw those rednecks! ___

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb!

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone! ___

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my
damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. ___

CHILI # 8 - Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really
hot chili?

FRANK: (Not available for comment.)

REDFEATHERS said:

Print and save

Thought I would post a few more seeing as though it is a sad day...

The Love Dress

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house.She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing; the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained.

"It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress" she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said.

---



Damn, It's Good To Be A Man

The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just looks too icky.
Same work... more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dresses cost £5000; Tux rental £100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch or fart is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Your pals can be trusted never to ask you: "So, notice anything different?"
Predictable moods, ALL the damn time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is £4.95 for a three-pack.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your apartment/flat if the maid is coming.
You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking "He must be mad at me"
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
...Damn, It's Good To Be A Man

---


Manroot

There was a man who really took care of his body. One day he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except for his penis. So he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach and got completely
undressed and buried himself in the sand, but he left his willy sticking out.
Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, and upon seeing the thing sticking up out of the sand, they stopped in front of it. One lady began to move it around with her cane, while remarking to the other lady,
"There is no justice in this world."
Her friend asked her what she meant.
"Well, when I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot all about it. Now I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat!"




Ha! ha! Love it!

---


A man goes to the doctor's for his wife's test results...
Mr Smith: "I'm here for Mrs Smith's test results."
Receptionist: "Oh I'm sorry Mr Smith, there's been a problem. We have 2 sets of test results for a Mrs Smith and we don't know which belongs to your wife... I'm afraid it's bad news or terrible news. One test shows Alzheimer's Disease, the other shows AIDS!"
Mr Smith: "That's awful! What should I do?"
Receptionist: "The doctor suggests you drop her off in the middle of town...if she finds her way home, don't f*ck her."

The Lone Ranger was ambushed
and captured by
an enemy Indian war party. The
Indian Chief proclaims:
"So, you are the great Lone Ranger.
In honor of the
Harvest Festival, you will be
executed in three days.
But, before I kill you, I will grant you
three requests.
What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like
to speak to my horse?"
Chief nods and Silver is brought
before the Lone Ranger, who
whispers in Silver's ear, and the
horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns
with a beautiful blond woman
on his back. As the Indian Chief
watches, the blond enters the
Lone Ranger's tent and spends the
night.

The next morning the Indian Chief
admits he's impressed. "You
have a very fine and loyal horse, but
I will still kill you in two days.
What is your second request? The
Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him and he again
whispers in the horse's ear. As
before, Silver takes off across the
plains and disappears over the
horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's
surprise, Silver again returns, this
time with a voluptuous brunette,
even more attractive than the blond.
She enters the Lone Ranger's tent
and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian
Chief is again impressed. "You
are indeed a man of many talents,
but I will still kill you tomorrow.
What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like
to speak to my horse, alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees
and Silver is brought to the Lone
Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger
grabs Silver by both ears, looks
him square in the eye and says,
"Listen carefully, for the last time, I
said - BRING POSSE!"

Ok, one last one ...promise!

Stranded On A Deserted Island
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. For years and years they live there, until one day they find a magic lamp. They rub and rub and sure enough out comes a genie. The genie says, "since I can only give out 3 wishes, you may each have one."
The brunette goes first, "I have been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my husband and my life - I just want to go home" ... POOF she is gone.
The the redhead makes her wish, "This place sucks, I want to go home too" ... POOF she is gone.
The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie says to her, "My dear what is the matter?" The blonde replies, "I wish my friends were here" ... POOF!!!

OK these might me korny:

Fairy Tales (Kinda Wrong, But Funny)

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"

"You must be home by 2 am. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up looking love struck and VERY satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"

"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."

"I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"
"I can't remember, exactly...Peter, Peter, something or other..."
~~~
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about
splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.

A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"

Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
~~~
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the
Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her
throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"

To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnicbasket and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not. You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"
~~~
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."

Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's fucking Goofy."
~~~
Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"
~~~
Did you know... Captain Hook died from jock itch.
~~~

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex.

"What's that" he asked.

She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong but I will show you
how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs wide.

"Here," she said, "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an
almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony.

Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"

"Just checking for bees" said Tarzan.

Ok, just this one more and I am done!


The Ultimate Revenge...

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it." The Madam figured, why not,so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girl she liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"

Of course the Madam said no.

He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.
After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones,
and he'll catch the disease.
Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"