ZombieKitten said:

She does that song of justice . Lucinda Williams did the song as well- not sure if she was the original one to do it but I know Kasey is a huge fan of Lucinda. Kasey performed that one live and I really enjoyed it over hearing Lucinda sing it live. Tom Petty sang it as well.

TheBahtMaster said:

Thanks- like I said she was the only grand parent I really knew and she was actually my great grandmother...



How have YOU been?

That's a beautiful thread, thank you everyone who has shared their story . I will never forget my Dad and my aunt who raised me like a mother though she died in 1990 and he died in 1993. Just recently I am dreaming of them almost every night after I haven't for some months .

Serious said:

Thank you for sharing.

Shanti1 said:

I have been well ,but real busy at work and taking care of lifes many issues.
How about you?

Shanti1 said:

The following posts are taken from my blog dated October 2005 for the first, November 2005 for the second. I'm not sure if my first blog entry will fit into one post in its entirity, so it may be split.

I've never shared this on the Org publicly until now, only a handful of Orgers I am close to knew of it.

Have you told YOUR friends you love them today?

With Metta
- 'logne x



'MY SUNSHINE HAS RELOCATED'

The love, the echoes of long ago,
You needed the world to know,
They are in Xanadu

The dream that came through a million years,
That lived on through all the tears,
it came to Xanadu...

My friend Perry seemingly hated that song, (although I have my suspicions He secretly loved it!) but only enough that He used to rib me mercilessly about it, and laugh at what He dubbed my "super-queer music". God, how you would make me laugh...

For those wondering why there have been no updates the best part of this past week, on early wednesday morning my close friend Perry, passed away in LA surrounded by friends and family, surrounded by love, laughter, and happiness.



Perry had been terminally ill with lung cancer for some considerable time, eventually causing a (metastatic) brain tumour. Because of this, over the past couple of months He had also been slowly losing His sight little by little. During His lifetime He had experienced increadible emotional and physical trauma that I couldn't even begin to describe to you. But trust me, you would not even come close to imagining it even if you tried - not by miles. Knowing Pip however, He would simply shrug it off and say it was 'all relative' or something. :biggrin: Through it all, I never once heard Him complain of His lot in life, not even when He endured all the shitty chemo. He simply wished to understand, and an overwhelming desire within Him to send out what love He could, while He could - and trust me, He sent out a lot.

He had often talked about how He hoped He'd leave this mortal coil of ours - with a smile preferably. Hey, wouldn't we all right? We pretty much talked every night, and this past monday evening I knew it would be the last time we would do so - on this plane at least. However, it was filled with so much laughter, it was so vibrant, so positive I didn't feel sad at all. Hell, I even joked with Him that 'relocating' sounded so much better - He loved that, and apparently used it from that point onwards to describe the journey ahead. That said, this wasn't the first time it seemed things were coming to a head and maybe...just maybe I secretly hoped that this too would pass, and today we'd be laughing and poking fun at each other as we had often done before - as much as I hate typing this: this time it was not to be.

Early wednesday morning, whilst He was typing an e-mail to our mutual friend Alan, Perry finally lost what remained of His eyesight. He calmly got up, asked His partner Mark to pass it on to Alan when the time arose, said goodnight to everyone, and went to bed. Two hours later, He was found in bed with a serene, peaceful smile upon His face - Perry had finally 'relocated'.

He wrote this a couple of months back, when He thought it was time to go, and I'm sure neither Perry or Mark would mind me lifting it to be read here - for it only serves to further illustrate how sublimely special He was:

I don't know how long I can keep my mind clear, but for however long this lasts, I am grateful for it. I want to write this down, now, while I still remember it. I want to look back on this at the moment of my death, and remember it in full, suddenly, to die with a smile on my face.

I've been everywhere. I've seen the northern lights. I've seen a child being born... I've seen a child dying. I've seen happy families and I've seen the torment of a man consumed by himself - a man I once called my father. It's been quite an experience, and if I try to categorise the good and bad, I find it impossible. And then I realise that there IS no good, or bad. Things simply are. And when I die, that will be another experience - not a good one, or a bad one. When, for just one moment, I leave my darkness, I can see things clearly, as they are. And my heart just bursts open with light, and I feel nothing but happiness. Not giddiness... Happiness. There's nothing to contend with and nothing to fear, nothing to which to say, "Well, I guess I'll deal with it." Everything is wonderful, from finding true love to dying a heroin addict. And I mean that in the true sense of the word. It's beautiful, and it's... just there.

I am sure of what happens when I die, but no matter what you believe, if you can just open yourself to it, you'll see beauty stronger than your physical self can comprehend. You can't see this truth with smiling, or without crying. One day soon, I'll be a child being born into the arms of loving parents. I have paid my dues with this life, at a price no greater than I'd have loved to pay. I am glad my life is just as it is, and with my last breath - whenever it shall be that it escapes my lips - I will make no wishes.

So you see, it's an outlook like that, coupled with the amazing personality of His that made Him so special, so amazing...so unique - that in spite all of those things, things that would make any lesser man crumble, it only made Him stronger, more determined to experience every day with a ravenous thirst for whatever the day ahead could throw at Him. He revelled in the human experience. (Are you brave enough to ask yourself if you do?) It was a rare thing to hear Perry angry, and if you did, it would soon pass and He'd be wanting to know how He could help you out be that by simply listening, wanting to know if He could help in any way, shape or form.

You know I love Christmas
I always will
My mind's made up
The way that I feel
There's no beginning
There'll be no end
Coz on Christmas
You can depend

I will not lie, I have cried so very very hard this past week - wednesday as some of you know was an important day for me in many ways, little could I realise how much moreso it would become. I made Pip a number of promises on monday when we last talked, one of those being no matter what happened, I would go ahead with that as planned. Well, I did - and I tried my best which was exactly what I'd promised before breaking down in my Trainer's arms. Luckily for me He's a very understanding guy.

Anyway, I've come to the realisation that I've been crying more out of my own selfishness than anything else. Why 'selfish' I hear you ask? Selfish because like many, I want Him back, because I still want Him here, I still want us to engage with each others lives and be enriched all the more for it. I know those of you who didn't know Him maybe won't get this, so I'm not looking for any dissertation upon it - I'm actually quite ok with it, and have accepted it for what it is. Ironically, it's made things somewhat clearer to cut through all that horrible crap, for all I've been doing is mourning my loss...not His, and that's not what it should be about. He'd been preparing us for this for some time - yet again looking out for others. No funeral...but a party. ("It's going to be fabulous") No tears, but laughter. Things still feel increadibly mixed-up, but I'm laughing a lot too, I'm not just crying - there's just too much good stuff to remember and wrap myself in like a warm blanket. Again...you were right Sunshine.

Pip and I were closer than close. I can't explain it really in words, but i'll try - we used to joke that it was like the same bond that Elliot and ET shared. I guess right now, I feel like ET's flower that wilted away when ET died. But lest I forget, ET came back, and his flower bloomed twice as strong and vibrant, and more importantly, ET... went home.

I feel like this is the beginning
'though I've loved you for a million years
And if I thought our love was ending
I'd find myself drowning in my own tears

You are the sunshine of my life
That's why I'll always stay around
You are the apple of my eye
Forever you'll stay in my heart

You must have known that I was lonely
Because you came to my rescue
And I know that this must be heaven
How could so much love be inside of you

Perry was a prodigal wiz mathematician, and had toiled for years over the 4CC Conjecture: ( http://logic.pdmi.ras.ru/...triang.htm ) He recently proved that theorem correct, something that had not been done before. Don't ask questions, becuase I haven't a clue either But HE did it, so neeeeer!!! He was SO proud of that, it was a personal goal I know He was so happy to have finally achieved. We were proud of Him too.


(He'd love this.)

Perry had a natural talent for casually tossing a humorous aside or turn of phrase someones way, here are some of my favourites:

On girls:
Mark ruffled my hair and told me there were scarier things than girls. I looked down and mumbled under my breath "No there aren't."

On the Bible:
Leviticus 18:22, "Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind, it is abomination."
*shrug* Hey, it's just a book."

On Death:
Yeah, The Void and I are buddies. For a few months last year we chilled a lot, went to parties, hung out, danced and drank together on weekends, that kinda thing. I don't even call him The Void anymore, we're totally on a first name basis. He calls me Pip and I call him The. He wasn't so big on me looking into him all the time, said it made him self conscious, so we talk openly now. He says I can come over anytime I like, and I frequently take his open invitation. Well, you know how it is. You let go of everything you were holding on to and suddenly you have all kinds of friends."

On Friendship:
"Friendship for example, is a real gift. It's given with no expectations and no gratitude is needed. Not between real friends."

So as you can see for yourself, He had an amazing way of looking at things. In fact, I realised this past week that the gift he gave me was the gift of perspective - of being able to look at things differently, of being able to see things from a different angle, that there was always another option. I'd often asked Him that I believed we'd been brought together for one reason or another. He agreed, and had His own ideas as to why, but we never questioned it. Destiny? Maybe - I certainly won't dismiss the idea. Why should I? He said I'd figure it out in time, and Bro... guess what? You were right man. He had a way with things always turning out right. Clever bastard.

This picture reminded me of the way He tended to look at things, so it seemed appropriate to include it here:


What Perry brought to my life was immeasurable, (not to mention the guy had the most FABULOUS hair to die for) I thought I was lucky to have ONE best friend, but to be blessed with TWO in my lifetime is really special. I feel so blessed to have been able to have the time with Him I did, and to be able to share in the life of someone with such great self-assurance, self-belief, grace, compassion and dignity. That's a rare trait to find in people in this day and age - dignity, yet he had it in spades. Yes, I was blessed - those that knew him know what I mean. It's very hard to put into words the experience that was Perry. I wanted this post to be a fitting tribute to Him, to celebrate His life, not be too maudlin. He would have hated that. So I hope I've been successful and done my friend justice.



Oh I know
That the music is fine
Like sparkling wine
Go and have your fun
Laugh and sing

For those of you who didn't know Perry - please...hug your best friend today, pick up the phone and tell them you love them. Better yet, if you're able to, tell them to their face. We've all been given a wonderful, simple gift of making people feel good - IF WE WANT TO. We just sadly take it for granted and don't ever use it enough. So make use of it - don't wait until it's too late.

Is gentle something you touch? Or is gentle something that touches you? I think if you're lucky enough, it's something that touches you. But I guess that's relative. So Pip, wherever you are... I kept my promise, my end of the bargain - I know you'll keep yours - somehow, I just know you'll find a way, becuase you never did let me down. Not once Sunshine, not once.

You bought me a book about 2 months back, and I remember you were pleased that the Prologue had made me laugh. I look forward to reading it soon, I know you bought it for me for a reason, you never did anything without a reason. Thankyou.

I love you so very very much my brother, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for enriching my life and touching it in ways I could never have even comprehended or imagined. I really can't wait until the day we meet again...my beautiful 'frneid'.

Here's to you Sunshine, i'll be looking for you.

I will love you always Pip.

Godspeed,
fang xxOxx

A million lights are dancing and there you are, a shooting star
An everlasting world and you're here with me, eternally

Now that I'm here, now that you're near in Xanadu
Now that I'm here, now that you're near in Xanadu, Xanadu...

(He'd SO hate that, but He'd be laughing too... LOL)


This remains my personal favourite photo of Pip.

Blog entry #2:


'SO TODAY I SAID GOODBYE...'

I haven't been able to update since the 26th October, I just haven't known what to say - much less been able TO string a coherent sentance together. To those that readily offered their support and condolances, my many many thanks, you really helped. For those who don't have a clue what i'm talking about, i'd suggest checking back on last weeks entry - I have to say I was quite surprised by some of the people who didn't get in touch. Not all, but some.

I had been wanting to do something to say 'goodbye' to Perry since this past wednesday, but due to bad weather on that day and my mother going into hospital for an angiogram yesterday it pretty much nixed those ideas. However, I awoke this morning to crystal clear skies and the sun shining within them - today was the day. I knew I had to do something to 'let go' so I decided that the best thing would be to do something 'symbolic', something that meant something for me, otherwise i'd have just f*cking lost it completely.



I downloaded some appropriate music to my mp3 player, packed the book He bought me, some tea lights, a few cigarettes, and headed into town where I bought several glass candle holders: one for me, Mark, Anaeus, Blair, Josh, Alan, Natasha, Maddy, ...Pip.

I found the perfect spot underneath the canopy of a tree at the side of a lake in a quiet area of the town's park. I lit the candles one by one, and when they were all alight, I gently placed them upon the water and recited a favourite memory of Perry for each one. I then said a few words, put my headphones on, lit a smoke, and stood there for a good hour or so and just watched the shards of light falling through the trees upon the glass candle holders, gently lilting upon the water.

I looked up into the deep blue sky and said, 'Hey - if you're around, let me know Sunshine'. No sooner had I said that, than a large leaf dropped from the tree above directly in front of me onto the surface of the water, into the path of the remaining straddling candles. To my surprise one lone candle broke away from the main group, and made it's way out into the middle of the lake alone. One tried to follow, but due to passing ducks and swans gliding by it eventually returned to the embrace of the group via the birds wake. After about five minutes or so remaining in the centre of the lake, this one lone candle began to drift, very slowly, with the current away from the group. I couldn't believe it - it couldn't have been more perfect if i'd tried. Well, I wanted symbolism - seemingly, I got it.

I smiled knowingly, and the lone candle continued on it's journey - still burning brightly.

Goodbye Sunshine, I love you very much. xXx

"All is in endless flux. Each wandering shape a Pilgrim passing by and time itself glides on in ceaseless flow. A rolling stream and streams can never stay. As wave is driven by wave and each perceived pursues the wave ahead. So time flies on and follows, flies and follows, always forever new. What was before is left behind. What never was is now."
- Ovid (Abridged and adapted, Arthur Golding translation - 1567)

...and then finally, I made this:
(we were both huge QAF fans, and he particularly loved and identified with Season 1's prom scene)



double click the clip to read all the kind comments it's received

wow.




just..... wow.


what a beautiful soul

no, BC, wow just isn't enough. i read all you wrote with tears in my eyes, at times streaming down my face. i don't even have the words to describe it. but wow isn't enough. i believe that is the most beautiful tribute i've seen. you made me wish i could have been friends with perry. thank you so much for sharing with us.

Oh, Nana.

applekisses said:

Thats so strange Apples. My dad woulda been 78 in June.

I think about him all the time. And I get pissed that no one ever talks about him. I think everyone is afraid of upsetting me, but for me, I think it would be better if we could talk about him more.

Losing a father, I know, sucks.

s to everyone!



I'm an idiot edit
[Edited 2/10/07 11:08am]

SureThing said:

I never knew my dad. I saw him twice in my entire life. Once when I was about 8, then again when I was 11. I don't remember what he looks like but my family says I look like him. I don't even know him and I miss him.

Stymie said:

When did he die?

to all here on this thread, and their loved ones who have passed away..

SureThing said:

He died over 20 years ago. His wife was murdered and he had a nervous breakdown. While on the way to commit him, he opened the door of the car he was in and was struck by an oncoming car.

Stymie said:

Wow.

You've had a rough life.

SureThing said:

YOu don't know the half of it.

fantasyislander said:

No, it is I who should be thanking you - for taking time to read it and helping to keep His memory alive.



One final post, because the rest of these memories belong to me, but a few months after Perry's passing His brother Blair mailed me the following.



SNOWFLAKES & SPINNING CIRCLES:
Hey.

Wow. Well, my brother was many things, and very many of them I didn't give him credit for. I love him very much.

For the last three years of his life, he had known how sick he was, even though he told nobody but me and Mark at first. He started working on a little book of memories, and occassionally distributed isolated pages to people he thought they would help. They were just pages of his life - all incredibly beautiful. Though we'd all gotten a page or two that he wanted us to read and learn from, I don't think any of us knew he was working on this book. A few weeks before he died, he was still trying to write in that book. When he was finished, he handed the book to me, and told me to read it when I was ready. I've been reading it on and off for some time now. I can't read it without crying. These are tears of joy, not sadness. My brother's life was a difficult one, but there isn't a single moment described in these pages that would make me unhappy to relive with him. He isn't, in his writings, denying the things that happened to him. He is just telling things exactly as he saw them: happily.

I got to this seemingly random moment in my brother's memory. I remember the night so well. I remember that the friend I was with was my closest friend at the time - the 16 year old daughter of some family friends - Ashley. She said, "Your brother is kind of weird" because he'd been running on every little hill he saw, and any patch of lawn, and catching snowflakes in his mouth and giggling to himself, and spinning in circles. I said, "No, he's just happy." She thought for a while, while we walked in silence (and Pip ran in circles around the nearby lawns) and then said, "You're right. I think we're weird. I think your brother's going to be the only not weird one for the rest of his life." After a very long silence she added, "I want to be happy, too," and started crying. Pip hugged her and asked her to "spin" with him. The three of us spun in circles for a few minutes until we were all laughing like we were 4. I don't know if I believe in an afterlife, but I feel so very much like he's watching me read this right now. I haven't felt alone since he died.

"I'm 4 years old. It's winter, and I'm wearing some cute hat with ear-flap things. I'm not very fond of hats. It's been snowing for maybe 10 or 15 minutes. My brother and his friend take me with them on a walk.

I run around the little lawn while they properly walk on the sidewalk around it. I try to make a snowball, but the snow doesn't seem to want to stick.

Eventually, we get to some building, and we stand pretty close to a street light. As I stand under the light and look up, I can see the pretty snowflakes being illuminated as they fall. I try to look beyond the light and I see a shooting star.

Afterwards, I keep trying to decide whether that was a "real" shooting star or just a snowflake falling under the light that seemed like one. Either way, the snow is now beginning to stick, and my brother and his friend start a ball of snow for me. I then push it around the lawn until it gets as tall as me (and twice as wide ), at which point I can't push it anymore because I'm just a little weak boy. But I keep trying anyway... "One more push!" I yell when my brother tells me it's time to go home.

On our way back, I run to catch up with them. The three of us spin in circles. When we get home, I get a little sick. That night, with a little fever, I start dreaming about the night. In my dream, everything is perfect and I wake up very happy because of how perfect my dream is.

Looking back now, I remember that the perfect dream was just a replay of the night. I just didn't have to change anything."

Stymie said:

BananaCologne said:

BC Your beloved friend Perry will forever be your angel. I cannot thank you enough for sharing. I typed a really long response to you then the org went all crazy- figures..sorry!!
There are no words really to express what I feel in my heart when I read and see your heartfelt tribute to your friend.
You are amazing in the way you expressed your gratitude for your friendship- he will forever enrich your life and he will forever be your angel.
Thank you so much- that was very touching

So now I'm a mess. But it's good. I miss sooo many people.

My mom passed away in 1994. It wasn't a surprise and even though it was just as hard when she passed, we knew it was coming. We got to say our goodbyes.

My bestest friend Francisco died 2 years ago. That was tough. We only had 3 months with him after being diagnosed with a rare brain tumor. Luckily my other friends and I basically spent all hours of those 3 months with him.

A year before that my favorite cousin/brother passed away. He led a troubled life. We grew up together. We were inseperable.

Before that my friend John O passed away. He was sooo much fun. I miss all his energy. I couldn't keep up with him.

It's strange because I've had a lot of people, that are my age, pass away. It's kinda scary. It always has me wondering, "Am I next?"

My thoughts go out to all who have lost.

xxoo
M

MIGUELGOMEZ said:

It's all about the now M. Love you buddy

BananaCologne said:

Luv ya 2 sweety!! I've learned a lot from these experiences.


M

MIGUELGOMEZ said:

Stymie said:

M

IAintTheOne said:

This is such a cool pic, I love it. Your Pop seemed like one cool cat.

Stymie said:

and as for you Ms Ivy, you've come a long long way. I'm so proud of you and what you've achieved.