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A stick!
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How do you stop a plane in the air???
You turn the engine off.... 
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CarrieMpls said: A stick!
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I don't really have any jokes.  | |
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Where does a general keep his armies? The Normal Whores Club | |
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FunkMistress said: Where does a general keep his armies?
Up his sleevies!  |
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jerseykrs said: CarrieMpls said: A stick!
That's my favorite joke. |
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CarrieMpls said: FunkMistress said: Where does a general keep his armies?
Up his sleevies!
Did I ever tell you about the time I told your brown and sticky joke to a bunch of my drunk aunts? The Normal Whores Club | |
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FunkMistress said: CarrieMpls said: Up his sleevies!
Did I ever tell you about the time I told your brown and sticky joke to a bunch of my drunk aunts? 
No! Do tell! |
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CarrieMpls said: FunkMistress said:
Did I ever tell you about the time I told your brown and sticky joke to a bunch of my drunk aunts?
No! Do tell! Oh, God.
Okay, my mother has a huge family, okay? Ten brothers and sisters, total Irish immigrants. We have big sloppy drunken dancing get-togethers for each holiday. I think it was Thanksgiving, and we were all at my aunt Patsy's house. I was on the phone in the downstairs bathroom, and my aunt Shivaun opens the door and stumbles in to use the bathroom. Without waiting for me to leave, she pulls down her pants and sits on the toilet. I figured since she was pissing in front of me, I might as well tell her a joke. Me: "Hey Shivaun, what's brown and sticky?" Shivaun: "POOP!" Me: "No, not poop. It's a joke. Guess again. What's brown and sticky?" In walks my aunt Liz, who looks at me, looks at Shivaun, says "Fuck it!" and starts pulling down her pants. Shivaun starts screaming, "What the hell is wrong with you?? I'm peeing! She's on the phone!" Me: "Hey Liz, what's brown and sticky?" Shivaun: "It's POOP! Don't listen to her, Liz, the only thing that's brown and sticky is POOP!" Liz: "Shut UP and let me PEE!" At this point, I'm literally doing this ~~~> only I'm on a bathroom sink and not a chair. I don't think I ever even got around to the punchline; it was anticlimactic at that point.The Normal Whores Club | |
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FunkMistress said: CarrieMpls said:
No! Do tell! Oh, God.
Okay, my mother has a huge family, okay? Ten brothers and sisters, total Irish immigrants. We have big sloppy drunken dancing get-togethers for each holiday. I think it was Thanksgiving, and we were all at my aunt Patsy's house. I was on the phone in the downstairs bathroom, and my aunt Shivaun opens the door and stumbles in to use the bathroom. Without waiting for me to leave, she pulls down her pants and sits on the toilet. I figured since she was pissing in front of me, I might as well tell her a joke. Me: "Hey Shivaun, what's brown and sticky?" Shivaun: "POOP!" Me: "No, not poop. It's a joke. Guess again. What's brown and sticky?" In walks my aunt Liz, who looks at me, looks at Shivaun, says "Fuck it!" and starts pulling down her pants. Shivaun starts screaming, "What the hell is wrong with you?? I'm peeing! She's on the phone!" Me: "Hey Liz, what's brown and sticky?" Shivaun: "It's POOP! Don't listen to her, Liz, the only thing that's brown and sticky is POOP!" Liz: "Shut UP and let me PEE!" At this point, I'm literally doing this ~~~> only I'm on a bathroom sink and not a chair. I don't think I ever even got around to the punchline; it was anticlimactic at that point. !!!
omg, that's great! |
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Mach said: what do women and spaghetti have in common ?
they both wiggle when you eat them The Normal Whores Club | |
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Why do baby ducks walk softly?
Because they can't walk hardly!  | |
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What's the last sound you hear before a pubic hair hits the floor?
Pfffffttttt! | |
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pearle said: What's the last sound you hear before a pubic hair hits the floor?
Pfffffttttt!
ok, Mr. and Mrs. Brown are having some trouble "in the bedroom". neither one of them are happy. one day Mrs. Brown comes home and says that one of her friends told her about this amazing sex therapist who saved their marriage. they make an appointment right away and see the sex therapist the next week. he does a complete evaluation, mental, physical, etc. at the end of the session he sits down with the couple and says "it is obvious that you two love eachother very much. really, all that is needed here is to spice up your sex life a bit. why don't you try new things? i have this wonderful "excercise" you can start with. i want you to stop on the way home and pick up some glazed donuts and some maraschino cherries. tonight (talking to Mrs. Brown) put a donut on your husband's dick and eat it off of him, and you (to Mr. Brown) put a cherry in your wife's vagina and eat it out of her." Mr. and Mrs. Brown go home and try it and it's amazing! it opens whole new doors for them and they start trying out all new things. from then on their sex life is phenomenal and they are happily in love again. a few weeks later Mrs Brown is talking to one of her friends, Mrs. White who is telling her of their problems in the bedroom. "oh! you must go see this therapist. he's wonderful! he saved our marriage" so Mr. and Mrs White make an appointment, and again the therapist does a complete mental and physical examination on them. at the end of the session he sits down with Mr. and Mrs White and says "it is obvious that you two love eachother very much. really, all that is needed here is to spice up your sex life a bit. on your way home tonight i want you to stop at the store and pick up some cheerios and apples..... " There is no perfect place
Yes I know this is true I'm just learning how to smile Thats not easy to do | |
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fantasyislander said: pearle said: What's the last sound you hear before a pubic hair hits the floor?
Pfffffttttt!
ok, Mr. and Mrs. Brown are having some trouble "in the bedroom". neither one of them are happy. one day Mrs. Brown comes home and says that one of her friends told her about this amazing sex therapist who saved their marriage. they make an appointment right away and see the sex therapist the next week. he does a complete evaluation, mental, physical, etc. at the end of the session he sits down with the couple and says "it is obvious that you two love eachother very much. really, all that is needed here is to spice up your sex life a bit. why don't you try new things? i have this wonderful "excercise" you can start with. i want you to stop on the way home and pick up some glazed donuts and some maraschino cherries. tonight (talking to Mrs. Brown) put a donut on your husband's dick and eat it off of him, and you (to Mr. Brown) put a cherry in your wife's vagina and eat it out of her." Mr. and Mrs. Brown go home and try it and it's amazing! it opens whole new doors for them and they start trying out all new things. from then on their sex life is phenomenal and they are happily in love again. a few weeks later Mrs Brown is talking to one of her friends, Mrs. White who is telling her of their problems in the bedroom. "oh! you must go see this therapist. he's wonderful! he saved our marriage" so Mr. and Mrs White make an appointment, and again the therapist does a complete mental and physical examination on them. at the end of the session he sits down with Mr. and Mrs White and says "it is obvious that you two love eachother very much. really, all that is needed here is to spice up your sex life a bit. on your way home tonight i want you to stop at the store and pick up some cheerios and apples..... "
okay, that's almost sad. | |
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pearle said:
okay, that's almost sad. i know!!
and that's not really my FAVORITE joke. my fave is a knock knock joke that just can't be typed out.
wanna laugh? i'll call you quick and tell you! There is no perfect place
Yes I know this is true I'm just learning how to smile Thats not easy to do | |
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JDINTERACTIVE said: How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the oven until it's Bill Withers.
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rodman2 said: A guy who lives in Israel finds a bottle , rubs it and out comes a genie, genie says you get one wish, guy shows the genie a map of middle east and says I want you to put all the oil reserves of all these countries under Israel, the genie says Thats too hard I can't do that, ask for something else, the guy thinks for a sec and says okay, get my wife to give me a blow job and really enjoy it. The genie thinks for a minute and says: Let me see that map again.
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fantasyislander said: pearle said:
okay, that's almost sad. i know!!
and that's not really my FAVORITE joke. my fave is a knock knock joke that just can't be typed out.
wanna laugh? i'll call you quick and tell you! all laughed out today, talk to you tomorrow.  | |
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rodman2 said: A guy walks into a bar with a monkey, the monkey just eats everything it can get it's hands on, popcorn, peanuts, pretzels you name it. The monkey jumps on the pool table and swallows the cue ball. The bartender says man that monkey eats every thing eh, the fella says ya real crazy. A week later same guy with monkey come back to the bar, monkey jumps up on counter and grabs a maraschino cherry sticks it up his rear end, pulls it out and then eats it. The bartender says whoa thats really sick! The guy says ya ever since he swallowed the cue ball he measures everything first.
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rodman2 said: Ok one more:
Guy walks into a bar sits down, the guy next to him notices the guys head is only the size of grapefruit. Says wow what happened, you born that way? The guy says oh no, I found this bottle and out came this really beautiful genie and she asked me what I wanted, so I looked her up and down and said how about sex, she said oh no I don't do that! So I replied "how about a little head then"  | |
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pearle said: fantasyislander said: i know!!
and that's not really my FAVORITE joke. my fave is a knock knock joke that just can't be typed out.
wanna laugh? i'll call you quick and tell you! all laughed out today, talk to you tomorrow. ok. have a good night sweetie.There is no perfect place
Yes I know this is true I'm just learning how to smile Thats not easy to do | |
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fantasyislander said: pearle said: What's the last sound you hear before a pubic hair hits the floor?
Pfffffttttt!
ok, Mr. and Mrs. Brown are having some trouble "in the bedroom". neither one of them are happy. one day Mrs. Brown comes home and says that one of her friends told her about this amazing sex therapist who saved their marriage. they make an appointment right away and see the sex therapist the next week. he does a complete evaluation, mental, physical, etc. at the end of the session he sits down with the couple and says "it is obvious that you two love eachother very much. really, all that is needed here is to spice up your sex life a bit. why don't you try new things? i have this wonderful "excercise" you can start with. i want you to stop on the way home and pick up some glazed donuts and some maraschino cherries. tonight (talking to Mrs. Brown) put a donut on your husband's dick and eat it off of him, and you (to Mr. Brown) put a cherry in your wife's vagina and eat it out of her." Mr. and Mrs. Brown go home and try it and it's amazing! it opens whole new doors for them and they start trying out all new things. from then on their sex life is phenomenal and they are happily in love again. a few weeks later Mrs Brown is talking to one of her friends, Mrs. White who is telling her of their problems in the bedroom. "oh! you must go see this therapist. he's wonderful! he saved our marriage" so Mr. and Mrs White make an appointment, and again the therapist does a complete mental and physical examination on them. at the end of the session he sits down with Mr. and Mrs White and says "it is obvious that you two love eachother very much. really, all that is needed here is to spice up your sex life a bit. on your way home tonight i want you to stop at the store and pick up some cheerios and apples..... " | |
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Two blondes one on each side of a river, first one yells across to the other "how do you get on the other side?" The second blonde yells back "stupid you are on the other side". | |
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FunkMistress said: CarrieMpls said:
No! Do tell! Oh, God.
Okay, my mother has a huge family, okay? Ten brothers and sisters, total Irish immigrants. We have big sloppy drunken dancing get-togethers for each holiday. I think it was Thanksgiving, and we were all at my aunt Patsy's house. I was on the phone in the downstairs bathroom, and my aunt Shivaun opens the door and stumbles in to use the bathroom. Without waiting for me to leave, she pulls down her pants and sits on the toilet. I figured since she was pissing in front of me, I might as well tell her a joke. Me: "Hey Shivaun, what's brown and sticky?" Shivaun: "POOP!" Me: "No, not poop. It's a joke. Guess again. What's brown and sticky?" In walks my aunt Liz, who looks at me, looks at Shivaun, says "Fuck it!" and starts pulling down her pants. Shivaun starts screaming, "What the hell is wrong with you?? I'm peeing! She's on the phone!" Me: "Hey Liz, what's brown and sticky?" Shivaun: "It's POOP! Don't listen to her, Liz, the only thing that's brown and sticky is POOP!" Liz: "Shut UP and let me PEE!" At this point, I'm literally doing this ~~~> only I'm on a bathroom sink and not a chair. I don't think I ever even got around to the punchline; it was anticlimactic at that point. oh man... | |
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What's red and invisible? No tomatoes. | |
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| Here's a funny one that I just read:
A man boarded an airplane in Sydney, Australia, with a box of crabs. A female crew member took it and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did. Shortly before landing, she couldn't remember who gave her the package, so she announced to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in Sydney please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up. So she took them home and ate them herself ! RIP, mom. I will forever miss and love you. | |
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What do you call a judge with no thumbs?
Justice Fingers | |
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oldpurple said: rodman2 said: A guy walks into a bar with a monkey, the monkey just eats everything it can get it's hands on, popcorn, peanuts, pretzels you name it. The monkey jumps on the pool table and swallows the cue ball. The bartender says man that monkey eats every thing eh, the fella says ya real crazy. A week later same guy with monkey come back to the bar, monkey jumps up on counter and grabs a maraschino cherry sticks it up his rear end, pulls it out and then eats it. The bartender says whoa thats really sick! The guy says ya ever since he swallowed the cue ball he measures everything first.
omfg.. | |
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