How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the oven until it's Bill Withers.

what do women and spaghetti have in common ?













they both wiggle when you eat them

Why do women have small feet?



To get closer to the sink

Mach said:

Mach, you are sooooo rude!

How do you stop a baby crawling round in circles ?



nail it's other hand to the floor!

evenstar3 said:

who told u that...spooky?

JDINTERACTIVE said:

evenstar3 said:

How do you make a bear cross?

Simply nail two of them together.

JDINTERACTIVE said:

HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU POSTED THAT ON THE ORG????

DanceWme said:

nope!

REDFEATHERS said:

Never.

JDINTERACTIVE said:

like it keep them coming


The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family.. On the day the proxy father was
to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off
now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell! , hoping to make a sale.

Good morning, Madam", he said, "I've come to...''

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been
expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you
know babies are my speciality?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat"

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room
floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "! This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider her
mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a
good look."

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had
to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
um.. equipment?"

"It's true, Madam, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and
we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Madam. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted.
[Edited 2/3/07 14:01pm]

What's got two legs and bleeds?

Half a dog.

_____

What's got 30 legs and smells of piss?

A conga at a nursing home.

JDINTERACTIVE said:

What's red and lies in all four corners of the room?

a baby that's been playing with a chainsaw.

Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

Cos she wasn't wearing her seat-belt.

Haystack said:

ummm, i mean...

Why did the girl fall off the swing?

Because she had no arms.

PreacherMan said:

evenstar3 said:

Jokes are relative to the reader. No need to be hostile.

PreacherMan said:

Just after having quickie sex, the fella says "If I had of known I was your first, I would have taken more time. The girl replies "Gee, if I had of known we had more time, I would have taken off my panty hose!"

So, a baby seal walks into a club...

A drunk staggers into a diner just about closing time, waitress walks up to take his order, she asks can I help you sir, he says gimmee two scrambled eggs, Pleassse. a few minutes later her boss finds her frantically searching the kitchen, he asks whats up? She says the gentleman out front wants two scrambled eggs and we only have one egg! The boss peeks out the kitchen door and notices the fella is really, really drunk so he tells the girl to just scramble something up with egg, he won't notice! So the girl scrambles up the egg with some limburger cheese, and takes it out to her customer. After the fella is done he staggers to the counter to pay, and the girl asks if everything was satisfactory, the drunk asks " where do you get your eggs from? She replies: we have hens out back that lay them fresh daily sir. The drunk asks " do you have a rooster? She replies: No sir we don't! At that the drunk says well you better get one, cause a skunk is screwing your chickens!

A guy who lives in Israel finds a bottle , rubs it and out comes a genie, genie says you get one wish, guy shows the genie a map of middle east and says I want you to put all the oil reserves of all these countries under Israel, the genie says Thats too hard I can't do that, ask for something else, the guy thinks for a sec and says okay, get my wife to give me a blow job and really enjoy it. The genie thinks for a minute and says: Let me see that map again.

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey, the monkey just eats everything it can get it's hands on, popcorn, peanuts, pretzels you name it. The monkey jumps on the pool table and swallows the cue ball. The bartender says man that monkey eats every thing eh, the fella says ya real crazy. A week later same guy with monkey come back to the bar, monkey jumps up on counter and grabs a maraschino cherry sticks it up his rear end, pulls it out and then eats it. The bartender says whoa thats really sick! The guy says ya ever since he swallowed the cue ball he measures everything first.

Don't have a favorite just a bunch of stupid ones, gonna stop being foolish.

Ok one more:

Guy walks into a bar sits down, the guy next to him notices the guys head is only the size of grapefruit. Says wow what happened, you born that way? The guy says oh no, I found this bottle and out came this really beautiful genie and she asked me what I wanted, so I looked her up and down and said how about sex, she said oh no I don't do that! So I replied "how about a little head then"

JDINTERACTIVE said:

Be fore I even clicked on the thread, I knew this would be your joke.

CarrieMpls said:

Why am I getting all this crap for posting my joke? Ive got a crappy hangover and keep farting smelly farts. I dont need your crap right now Simi.

JDINTERACTIVE said:

What's brown and sticky?