The end is nigh
Posted on Fri 26 January, 17:00pm
Link: http://www.radiotimes.com...ures/tvod/

As this year's Celebrity Big Brother shuffles to an end, I haven't got an outright favourite housemate. I've been racking my brains for the last two days over who should win. Hmmm. Let's see…

Jo O'Meara

Now, this is easy. Jo should NOT win Celebrity Big Brother. Jo's finest moment was the ten seconds she spent chatting to Davina amiably on the stage before climbing the steps. From that second on she's astounded me with her bleak, curmudgeonly outlook on life.

I understand more now why S Club 7 came to such an abrupt end. It wasn't because Hannah and Rachel got too old to wear lemon scrunchies and sing non-offensive songs about sunbeams.

I reckon it was because none of the other six could face another second of Jo sitting up in bed in every Holiday Inn from Southport to Shanghai, sparking up a cigarette and crowing: "Shut the f*** up!" at whoever dared to speak to her first.

Everyone's entitled to a bad mood, Jo. You on the other hand are one long, extended premature menopausal fug. Which would be fine if you didn't then place yourself centre stage in the group; forcing housemates to acknowledge your foulness and try to cheer you up, which then makes you even moodier.

Like Evil Edna shuffling around Doylie Woods, you've managed to suck the jollity out of every task before the props have even been delivered from the stock room. The other morning when it snowed and Shilpa Shetty was excited, the fact you wanted to p*** on that bonfire from such a great height was bewildering to me.

I only say this as years ago when I was at college, it began suddenly snowing one night and I was woken at 4am by a group of screaming, giggling African students who'd never seen snow before.

Watching them see snowflakes for the first time, sticking their hands out to feel them, then gingerly stepping outside and going totally berserk like small children, was an amazing moment. Just thinking about it still cheers me up to this day.

"Look! Look! It's snow, it's snow!" screamed Shilpa Shetty, dancing from one foot to another, running out with a bowl and collecting what was admittedly a pile of ice and sludge, but got her excited all the same. "Oh, f*** off with your snow," grouched Jo, "It ain't even snow. It's ice."

It was like taking out a gun and shooting Bambi. Jo, I hope I never have to see you ever again. Go back to Essex and sit in a room wearing a nicotine-stained dressing gown smelling of fags and Winalot.

Dirk Benedict

I really like Dirk Benedict. I admire him for staying three weeks without quitting. He's clearly at his wits end now, but underneath there's a man who is funny, charming and clever. At 61 he's still "a real dish" (as Blue Jean mag would say).

Dirk's taken a lot of abuse from the women in the house. Jo and Cleo cackle constantly about him being divorced and living alone, without ever explaining why they're single themselves. They call him an old man, although during the Jackson 5 routine he fell off a two-foot high stage in platform shoes and they couldn't have cared less.

They slag off his macrobiotic food without ever really acknowledging that he's fought off cancer once and puts it down to his diet. Maybe if they'd stared death in the face once already they'd be living on mung beans, brown rice and soy sauce, too.

I've liked Dirk from the moment he pulled up Leo Sayer about his "Me! Me! Me!" attitude. Not that it counted for much considering Leo responded with, "Yes, that is what people say about me! I'll tell you some more things people say about me…blah, blah, blah!"

"Do you ever let anyone finish a sentence?" Dirk probed, not getting much further as Leo leapt in to tell everyone exactly how many of his songs were used in adverts last year and how loved he is by all.

I also loved Dirk's approach to Jade, Danielle and Jo. After Jackiey Budden was chucked out of the house, Jade and her two friends arranged themselves in a horrid little triumvirate. Any female viewer who's ever attended school recognised this trio for the schoolyard tyrants they were: a big, gobby brute-force girl; a pretty, ditzy, spoilt, bitchy one; and a downright mean one who picks the target before dispatching Biffa to collect the lunch money.

When Jo wanted half of Dirk's whisky she should have asked him herself. Instead she bitched for half an hour then sent scary Jade to work her magic. Dirk giving Jade half the booze, then calmly pouring the other half away was a glorious moment.

"Don't f*** with me," the gesture seemed to exude, "When pushed, I can act every bit as dysfunctional and frightening as you."

"Is that your problem, Dirk? The drink! Is that it? You got the shakes?!" Jade shouted, which I think was probably one of lowest things that ever fell out of her mouth.

Dirk knew that one of the best things you can do with the school bully is punch them smack on the nose. They'll usually change targets swiftly to someone meeker and more fun to harass. This wasn't so great for Shilpa Shetty.

Cleo Rocos

I'm at pains to remember anything Cleo has done for three weeks aside from sit about with hair like Yahoo Serious burbling on about a load of non-specific La-La-land bobbins.

Possibly my favourite Cleo moment was on Thursday night's highlights when she cooed that Jack Tweed had "a certain wiseness" about him and that "Blanket" was a lovely name for Jermaine's nephew.

I was annoyed when they cut it there. She was on a roll. Did she go on to tell Jo she had a "a sunny smile that lit up the room" and H that "his music would leave a lasting cultural legacy"?

Cleo had her eye on Dirk on Day 1. She could probably have nabbed him and be upping sticks to Montana if she'd acted more like an adult and affiliated herself more with Jermaine and Shilpa, rather than running around having water fights with the Tweenies.

Dirk quickly grew tired of her lack of backbone. And even more tired of her childishness. Phew, I bet Catherine Tate's had a few rough night's sleep since Cleo began unveiling her "friends".

Saying that, we've all learned a lot from Cleo's method-acting moments. Basically, it seems if you stick on a wonky wig and glasses you can pretty much say anything you want to people then blame it on "your friend who appears to give the room energy".

Everyone try it this weekend! But not round at my house as a karate chop to the windpipe often offends.

Ian Watkins

Although this series of CBB proved that reality TV can be suicide for some celebrities, I think that Ian demonstrated the reverse. He's come out of this really well.

Ian knew that he was known as "that k**b from Steps" and wanted to rebrand himself as something different to a hyperactive child in lemon cowboy boots clutching his ears and spinning to "5-6-7-8".

I think he has. I really like him. Ian's a bit soppy and a bit dappy and a bit flimsy. But he has a genuinely good, honest, sincere heart. He's a nice person. Unlike Jo O'Meara, who simply isn't nice at all.

On Day 1 Ian was so happy to see Jo as they were both regular faces on the late-90s pop circuit. Since then he's gradually moved away from Jo to the point where he nominated her. I think this says a lot about both of them.

I also loved the time he asked Jermaine if the Michael Jackson song Billy Jean was about the 70s American tennis player Billy Jean King - he somehow believed that the lyrics "But the kid is not my son!" were about a woman slaving to perfect her forehand volley.

Ian won't win, but he's achieved everything he set out to do.

Danielle Lloyd

Before Celebrity Big Brother I've always had a morbid aversion to WAGs. I don't find them fascinating or glamorous. I don't want to emulate their look. I don't hanker after their lifestyle at all. No matter how many magazines tell me to celebrate these slack-jawed fembots wasting the same amount of money on a clutchpurse that would feed an African village for six months, I just can't. Sorry.

I hoped that when Danielle had been on screen for a few days I'd suddenly see the light and realise I was wrong. Behind the public airhead face would lie a real, everyday woman to empathise with.

Danielle turned out to be everything that many suspect about WAGs and more: spoilt, screechy, two-faced, bone idle and only interested in shopping and the concept of being seen with a professional footballer. "I used to be a right little b***h," Danielle has said as if she's turned some sort of corner.

Probably most annoying about Danielle is the housework issue. She won't do any. It takes a remarkable amount of self-serving grit to watch other people wash your plates day in, day out without lifting a finger. Brilliantly, in Danielle's world, there will always be someone to do all the tough stuff, leaving her more time to find dresses.

"Are all British women like this?" asked Dirk in the diary room. No, we're not.

Jack Tweed

With this being a family-orientated website that frowns upon bad language, I can't truly communicate my feelings of boggle-eyed revulsion towards Jack Tweed.

Not that I've not got a roaring vocabulary, it's just something about Tweed mooching about in his silly flat cap and Barber jacket that turns me into a Rosyth shipyard docker.

One of the oddest things about Big Brother is that one can take a massive exception to a housemate just because they happen to remind you of someone else. Jack reminds me of the sort of pretty-but-mean Essex boys you find hanging around the back of nightclubs in Tenerife playing "snog-a-dog" with their mates. He reminds me of the sort of 4th division footballer you might see in the News of the World.

Jack's best bits include threatening to "piss in Dirk's soy sauce", or when he shouted that Shilpa should clean out the toilet with her teeth. Or that famous clip circulating on YouTube of him openly doing something bleak under the covers in the general direction of Jade's thigh before falling asleep.

Or the time he tried to make BB laugh by dressing up as Donny Tourette and flashing most of his bits. He can't get much to eat at Jade's house, that's all I can say. It looked like a whippet on its hind legs.

Jack should not win Celebrity Big Brother.

Jermaine Jackson

Jermaine should probably win Celebrity Big Brother for many, many reasons. For teaching Britain the effectiveness of never raising your voice. For putting up with all the flatulating and "inhaling everyone's ass". For keeping control of the degenerating house atmosphere. For making us laugh with stories of his four wives and umpteen children.

For keeping that same deadpan expression throughout the three weeks, punctuated with the occasional, life-affirming massive grin. For getting so fixated on winning the "show girl" tap shoes. (Shilpa! Think shoes! Concentrate! Shoes!)

For all the times he had to patiently answer dumb-ass questions about Michael Jackson. For his performance of I Want You Back, which was one of the nicest, most electrifying parts of the whole three weeks. For being a lovely bloke. Jermaine should win Celebrity Big Brother. But I suspect he might not because of…

Shilpa Shetty

I like Shilpa a lot. She's a good person and a tough little thing, too. Shilpa also has real star quality, in as much as she's never really forgotten that the cameras are on (aside from the day that she dyed her face, which was a statement to her bullies in itself).

Shilpa came from India and was thrown into a house with the very worst of what the UK has to offer. It was sink or swim and she's still there swimming. Just trying to come to terms with our idea of celebrity was enough for her to handle. "You're famous for this!" she shouted at Jade, which was a very succinct point after enduring a week of The Clampett Clan's shouting.

It's a pity we never got to find out much about Shilpa's Bollywood career. I was waiting for a task when the housemates had to put on a Bollywood musical.

On second thoughts, considering some of the numbskulls in there had access to Oxo cubes, this was probably for the best. A bit of hilarious comedy "blacking up" and some dodgy fake accents and we could have had all-out armageddon by teatime.

Phew, thank heavens it's over. What should Big Brother do to make BB8 better this summer? Send me some suggestions to grace.dent@bbc.co.uk and come back for a round-up on Monday.


She is a most amusing writer

katt said:

God, I love Grace Dent. She's on Charlie Brooker's BBC4 show sometimes.