Here's a picture of my breakfast:



A seemingly innocuous thing, I admit, but this was the breakfast my friend Ple and my mother in law were up quite early this morning making just for me. They had to walk to the market to buy the lettuce and stuff to make it. It got me to thinking. I don't have many friends here in Thailand beyond Mon's family (just Ple, who lives here much of the time, and a Thai friend of ours who lives in Ireland). I currently have an on-off friendship with an Aussie guy you may remember me mentioning in previous threads of mine, but we've kinda fallen out and this time I'm in no rush to patch things up again. Other people I may have mixed with in the past I've cut myself free from. I'm happy with those around me now because I feel completely comfortable with them. I know they genuinely care about me, they're generous with their time (more so than money since these are not well-off people we're talking about by any means), have my best interests at heart, and I find myself all too happy to reciprocate and try to be a better person because of them.

It feels good to be surrounded by simple, uncomplicated love and care, and to give this feeling back, freely and naturally. There's no drama. Often it's in the little things, but mainly it's feeling comfortable about expectations and with peoples' unique personalities. I know where they're coming from and that makes everything so easy.

So I guess what I want to know is, what are your friendships like? Do you surround yourself with good people, good influences, or do you find yourself keeping possibly harmful relationships going? Have you had to cut people loose from your life, and why? Are you happy with the people you have around you now?

I have a few close friends that are great people. No drama between us at all and none of them are a bad influence or bad for me in any way.

However, I am a complete failure at finding healthy relationships when it comes to men I am interested in.

I'm working on it, though.

JustErin said:

Is it such a different thing for you then, friendships as opposed to relationships with a partner? It's interesting you'd have a great situation with friendships but not so with relationships.

Do you think my initial post was a bit long-winded?

Fauxie said:

Yes. I read the first few lines, then skipped to the last paragraph to see if there was anything that would give me a chance to talk about myself.

I guess relationships and friendships are very different for me...or at least I tend to pick great friends and bad men to try and have relationships with.

i had a close group of good friends, but we all went separate ways to college and i've only really kept in touch with one because i'm horrible like that. here at school i had friends, but stupid dramatic crap happened and our group fragmented...i tend to be a loner unless pushed into socializing. i'm learning to be happy with that because making new friends is just inviting people to hurt you a lot of the time. no thanks.

what you've got with those around you sounds wonderful, nick. i'm jealous

JustErin said:

And I only wrote it to demonstrate how genuine I am.

How about, if I may ask, fuckbuddies? Is that something you do, or not? Just wondering if more casual relationship work for you if your friendships do but long term relationships don't. God, I hope I'm not suggesting you're a casual tramp. I'm not suggesting you're a tramp. Can I have this post back?

evenstar3 said:

You sound a little like me as far as the socialising thing. You can learn to be happy in your own company and with just a small number of good people around you.

My Aussie friend has been in contact lately by email regarding a job he offered me. I turned it down as I felt obligated to say 'yes', knowing a 'no' answer would have him getting upset, which it did, so despite knowing it would cause problems, I never felt I could do anything but turn it down. It's that uncomfortable feeling I don't want anymore. Being called a bad friend or not willing to make sacrifices. It should be easier than that, it should be comfortable. His emails to me have all been about the job and I just don't have the energy to go back and forth with it and then make all the concessions to save the friendship again.

Fauxie said:

it just bums me out occasionally because the two people i really want to see more live hours away.

and yeah, spending time to do or say things just to please other people definitely isn't worth it. i hate that feeling where you know you're supposed to get in touch with someone and you really don't want to.

Fauxie said:

Yup, I am a serial screw your friends kinda girl. It just always seems to happen. I also have had sex only relationships with guys that I knew well but didn't really hang out with except to get it on.

Both situations have worked out pretty well for me in the past (with one that was messy for a bit but ended on a really good note). However, I am in a situation right now that I am really getting frustrated over.

Most of the guys I have been serious with and who were not friends before we hooked up, have all been the same type of guy. The Bad Boy Jerk.

JustErin said:

Interesting.

evenstar3 said:

I feel you. Some friends of mine live in England and one in Moscow.

I'm just moving away from this friendship I talked about because despite knowing his idiosyncracies well, and knowing all the reasons for them, I can't take all the obligations, feeling guilty and stuff. His expectations are so high and exact that I end up being told I'm not this and that like a true friend should be. When he does things for me I feel so obligated, and he never wastes a moment to let me know about what he's done for me. It's just a horrible uncomfortable feeling I don't want anymore, like I'm in his pocket, or on trial all the time as a friend. I'm still appreciative of the help he's given me in the past, but I just can't stand being belittled and having to make the sacrifices to keep things going. I still have the xmas presents we bought for he and his gf and I want to post them to him, but I don't know his address.

Fauxie said:

Fuck him.

If he can't respect your decisions, he's not a real friend.

JustErin said:

co-sign. he sounds far too judging/needy to be worth your time.

evenstar3 said:

Exactly.

I do not have any friends like that. We all realize that we have our own lives, that we are sometimes really busy in those lives and that the decisions we make are simply us doing what we feel is right for ourselves/family/etc.

How can someone not respect that?

wow- great thread!!!
I read your entire post btw!!! hehehe Probably because I can relate to what you are saying and I have given this some thought lately.
Since my separation I have lost many friends and his sisters had become my friends and I lost them as well. I have come to realize that many of the friends that I lost because they chose his side were not really positive influences in my life. I do miss his sisters but I realize that he needs them more then I do.
I have never had loads of friends- I usually only trust and confide in a few special people. I had thought that my husband was my closest friend but I realized that he was no longer a support to me and had become a negative force in my life. So now I am learning to rebuild my life and surround myself with genuine ppl that inspire me and do not fill my head with negative thoughts. I find it is harder to find those types of ppl as I get older. Luckily for me - I am an only child and I can usually feel comfortable and secure being alone. I am finding that my life is much happier and worth living now that I have let go of the bad and let in the good and positive. It was really scary to let go and make those changes but it was necessary for my happiness.
Nick- I am so happy that you are in a good place with great friends and loved ones surrounding you.
Like I said on the other thread- you are a genuinely nice person. You deserve all of the happiness in the world. I am sure your family and friends appreciate you and your keen sense of humor- and I know they are thankful for you everyday.

JustErin said:

Well that's the way of thinking I've finally come around to. It's taken a while though, because this guy does have some remarkable qualities. The problem is that it's such hard work being friends with him. In a bind he'd always be there for me, but day to day it's just challenging. What he was offering me was a great opportunity (said he find us a place near him, put down the deposit for us, give Mon a job too), but I felt like I'd end up in a horrible situation similar to those I've been in the past with him. I found myself doing much of the work on his masters by myself, after saying I'd be happy to come over and 'help' (he initially offered me money, which I of course refused), with him thinking that by virtually forcing food on us when we there that in affect was payment for me to do his work while he sat downstairs playing ps2. I just can't be fucked with that anymore.

Shanti1 said:

I am glad things are getting better for you.

The struggle (as hard as it is) makes the rewards even more great.

(Oh God, it's getting late and I am tired. I re-read that and I don't even know if that makes any sense.)

JustErin said:

Thanks Erin

Made perfect sense to me

Shanti1 said:

I get the feeling it's just what you needed, despite all the pain that has inevitably come with it. I'd love to be that strong, independent person who is a whole person just by themselves, who then can have friends who are wanted more than just needed. I still lean on people around me a little too much, but having good people around you helps you be yourself and be a better person. I'm glad things are getting better for you, Valory. Thank you for your kind words, as always. I'm really quite happy at the moment. We're moving onwards and upwards in 2007, you and I.

Fauxie said:

Well I still have my weak moments and doubt that I can do it on my own but that has gotten a lot better because I have the most awesome positive support

surrounding me.
Yes we are going to have a great 2007

Fauxie said:

i always tried to, and never really had a problem with it in the past. when there were times that i felt friendships weren't really the "right" thing for me i never had to take an aggressive role in ending or changing anything b/c we usually just drifted apart. but recently i've cut off more than one person as a result of negative influences in my life. it's just shit i don't need to deal with, people who were bringing me down, or belittling me when they were "supposedly" trying to help me. either that or just straight out stabbing me in the back. i am much happier for having cut them out of my life and my friends that i associate with now are supportive of me, and people that i feel i can talk to and trust completely.


for all my friends here. and for my friends IRL even though they won't see this.

fantasyislander said:

That's great. Sounds like you're where you want to be.

Fauxie said:

not really, but i'm getting there. even though i don't wanna!

fantasyislander said:

Oh, I know that feeling. I don't always want to be a 'better person' if it means doing things I'm afraid of, but having good friends helps me pluck up the courage to make certain decisions.

I have Alex in the house with me every day. Like you, I don't have a lot of friends in the area, but I'm mostly okay with that. Here in my house I have someone who loves me unconditionally and it works well enough. We don't have a lot of money, but we've got each other and most of the time we don't really notice that we're poor. We stay in, have fun.

Beyond that, I have my friend Jessie around here who is one of the most amazing people I know... and my dad and brother, of course, who have always been excellent, and my longtime best friend Amanda.

I feel like in those five people, I have everything I need. They never put me through shit. I love them all.

You big pussy!

Imago said:

You don't mean that.

I surround myself with people who are both good and bad to me and for me. I tend to be attracted to those who aren't I think.

I have learned over this past 12 months as i have gone through some serious life changes and trauma that oftentimes those that you see as dear friends are nothing more than hangers on, or that when the crunch comes ("you know nothing of the crunch" - Sorry private joke)they are making judgements or choices without the facts. I have always been blessed wherever i have been with a large group of friends, but i have come to see that because of the kind of person i am that this is due to the fact that i am usually the one doing the giving, when i have struggled personally and become less able to do that suddenly there are not so many arms around me.
That has actually been a really cathartic thing in my life. I can now see through the shit and see who it is that actually does care about my feelings,my well being and what is truly best for me as opposed to what they can get from me. That is not to say just financially but emotionally and personally i am a giver so i attracted takers.
Where i am in my life now means that things are very much changing,i am starting a totally new life, one that i am very much looking forward to and excited about. The influences that remain in my life are now the postive ones. The ones that i can rely on for help and support just as i give them, not a one way street 50-50. There is one in particular who has stood by me through much, is always a calming influence on me when i react and who is just as happy laughing with me as crying with me. Without that person i truly don't think i would have made it through the toughest time in my life and i am truly thankful for them. I have never had a guardian angel before but now i do.....I feel blessed,strong and positive. Thankyou is not enough.


[Edited 1/20/07 3:50am]

I have surounded myself with a rather large group of friends. While, if asked, I'd only claim to be 'really close' with a couple of people, I have a large network of folks that have been around me for years now, have seen my flaws, the worst of the worst of me, and yet they're still around. I've learned to look at the best in all of them, learn their limitations and know what I can expect of them. And they've done the same of me. Everyone has flaws and problems and things they aren't as good at and at some point in a relationship you have to decide if you can put up with those things well enough because of the really good stuff they bring too. It's caused me to back away from some people, and hold on tighter to others. (And learn when it's best to let go of someone altogether.) But I do love them all, each and every one. In that sense, I've learned that we really are a family. I have been blessed in finding some absolutely amazing people who have taught me that there is such a thing as unconditional love.
Like Erin, though, I have a tendency to pick men who are bad for me.
I learned this fairly early on and simply stopped dating (seriously, anyway) for years and pretty much decided I would go it alone for life. Then I realized that pulling myself out of it wouldn't teach me anything. Gotta go through the pain to learn how to find the joy. And I got a taste of how good it could be, and dammit if I'm not hooked. So I hope I'm a smarter woman these days. But that remains to be seen.
[Edited 1/20/07 4:03am]