My grandmother died this morning.

I just got the news an hour or so ago from my mom via telephone. I had just gotten in from the gym and I saw that my cell phone and my landline phone were blinking off the hook with voicemail messages, so I knew something was up.

Not to mention this didn't exactly come as a shock, because my grandmother has been more or less in seriously bad health all year, and from all I can understand, she should not have survived as long as she did.

But even as much as you know something is going to happen, nothing prepares a person for when the shoe finally drops.

I had a complicated, though mainly positive, relationship with my grandmother throughout my life. She has been one of my most constantly present relatives - which is to say, of the people I am related to, she is one of the people I've seen more often than others - and she is the first close relation I've had die since my grandfather (her husband), way back in the late '70s when I was just a little boy.

I don't know a lot about death or the grieving process because, to be morbidly frank, I don't know very many dead people. I've been very fortunate, and with regards to my grandmother's passing, I guess I'm lucky that I've had a long time to prepare for the call I got tonight.

I'm in the middle of a logistical hell at the moment because the funeral is scheduled for Thursday and I had no idea my presence would be expected in a small town Indiana funeral home the morning after tomorrow, so I kinda don't feel like I have the luxury to slow down and reflect on my grandmother's passing until the insanity of this week is passed.

I do feel a bit like I'm in another reality right now - all the nagging little needs and wants and goals and annoyances and obligations of my everyday life have been slapped to the side with one phone conversation. I've had a lot of emergencies to deal with this year, as anyone who knows me is well aware. My family has been nothing but one big medical emergency personified over the past twelve months - but this is the first time I can NOT play the long distance caretaker. I have to be there. I have to participate. Like, NOW. And that is freaking me out more than the process of losing my grandparent. And I know once that panic has passed, I'll have grieving underneath it to process.

This is all very alien to me, and not a part of my usual experience. I don't come from a large family. There's no "pulling together" at this time, because there's nobody to pull together with aside from my mother and myself.

I guess I'm posting this here because I check in and goof around with a bunch of you folks every day. If I haven't quite been myself lately, it's been because of this and the general state of instability in my family lately. It's been a horrific rollercoaster of one family crisis after the next, and this is the biggest one. I don't know what the rest of this week is going to bring - emotionally, logistically, whatever. It's very scary.

I just look forward to having the luxury of coming home from all of this whirlwind of bereavement and having the opportunity for reflecting, meditating and mourning for my grandmother in my way. Not the way we're told to mourn, not the way my mother needs to mourn, not the way a funeral home expects me to mourn...but MY way.

However that will be.

Until then, all I know is, my grandmother is dead. I'm glad she's finally at rest, because I know it was a long, painful process for her and at the end of it, that she at least passed gently. I'm glad her soul is free from a body that was making her suffer. That's all I know.

anx much love 2 u and ur family

My condolences

"Until then, all I know is, my grandmother is dead. I'm glad she's finally at rest, because I know it was a long, painful process for her and at the end of it, that she at least passed gently. I'm glad her soul is free from a body that was making her suffer. That's all I know."


You know a lot right there.

I'm sorry for your loss.

My sincere condolences man.
It's not somethin u ever get over, u just learn 2 live with it, and none of us r immune.

Try n njoy the reflection time with ur mom.

i'm sorry m'dear...

I am so sorry, Chris.

My Condolences.

I'm so sorry.
I've been following your blogs and though we don't talk all that often, I know it's been a hell of a year for you.
If there's anything I can do, please let me know. You and your family are in my thoughts.

Much Love and Peace to you and your family during this difficult time.
You will be in my thoughts

I am so sorry about your loss. I am enlightened at how you are chosing to deal with her passing, IN YOUR OWN WAY. I respect that so much. May all that is good dwell in your heart during this difficult time. The Org will be here 4 u.

She put one candle out to light another. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Getting together with family and reminiscencing about her life and good times is part of the healing process. You'll be glad to be there and get and give hugs to everyone. It's nice to have a poster with youthful photos of your grandmother. For some reason photos turn up you've never seen before and are amazed about. My condolences. The mourning has already begun. Love/kisses,..K.

Death is just a change, believe she is in a better place Chris. People here and IRL care about you, so know that you are loved. My thoughts and prayers buddy.

jerseykrs said:

Thank you, Chris.

I think I'm going to do well in accepting my grandmother's death. For one thing, she's not going to be viewed, and I'm glad for that. I personally don't believe viewings are helpful. I'd rather let my imagination picture her at her best than be confronted with a corpse.

For another thing, this is one of those enormously simple lessons I've been studying as a Taoist for years. Death is part of the balance of life. Streams pour into rivers, life pours into the afterlife. It's nature, and there's nothing wrong about it. I guess this week will be the first test of whether the idealism of my faith has made its way to my heart. I want to be strong for my mother, who has had one of the worst years of ANYONE'S life. If I can trade off just a little bit of my resolve, all the insanity of this week will be worth it.

My grieving will have to be done my way, and I don't expect anyone to understand it, but it will have to be done alone. I don't even know how it will manifest, but I know it will be peaceful, and I know I'll be in a safe space to say goodbye in a way which will do my memories - and her memory - justice.

Anx said:

Stymie said:

Thank you for being a good friend and for talking with me today.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Im sorry for ur loss

I do love you as a soul... and I am sorry for your loss and get the relating to the translating thing.....

xplnyrslf said:

I own only one picture of my grandmother, and it's from when my mom and her brother were toddlers. They're both sitting on my grandmother's lap, and Grandma looks so young - being a grandchild, it is of course a little unusual to see your nana looking anything but old. But her hair is long, pulled back, with wisps going out in all directions. My uncle is maybe 5 years old and he's holding a toy rifle. My mom is just a baby, and she looks completely confused. It's a very telling family portrait, really. I may put it out on a windowsill with a candle before I go to bed tonight.
[Edited 12/26/06 18:39pm]

My prayers and sympathies go out, Anx. My dad died in 2001 after about 2 1/2 years battling Alzheimers. And it's strange -- no matter how much we prepare, we might be able to curb the shock of death, but rarely the awe. Someone is here one day; gone another. Period... no way to bargain, couch or equivocate.

And, yes, the rituals with which we surround ourselves force us to "perform" a bit before we can actually, truly grieve. But it sounds like you have an advantage over most of us: You seem to already know that despite all our talking about death, explaining death, trying to micromanage the circumstances that immediately precede and follow it, no one can predict what the grieving process will bring. Maybe its in facing that uncharted ground that we truly come to appreciate how valuable life is. As you suggest, all the theorizing becomes real.

It will hurt. But you'll be fine... and very likely better. I think we could all learn something from your lucidity.
[Edited 12/26/06 18:47pm]

Very sorry about your loss. It's awkward when people in your life who you sorta feel like they'll always be there, are suddenly are gone.

If it's an open casket funeral, I've always found it helpful to just place my hand on their hand for a moment. Granted its cold and kinda creepy, but it just helps it sink in that they've moved on, kinda of wraps things up and makes me feel more content with it all.

Lammastide said:

Thank you. I am more concerned with responding to how other people are going to be hurting this week than I am with my own grief, because I think I know myself well enough to process my feelings, even if I can't always articulate my feelings perfectly to others. But I'll be okay. If I can help others be okay, that will be the challenge. I will leave my home this week with all I have learned and all the evolution I hope I've experienced leading up to an event like this. Your thoughts - everyone's thoughts - help me be strong and I appreciate it sincerely.