So, here's the thing.

My girlfriend is out tonight with her ex (my former supervisor, for those of you who have been following ). They're going to dinner and a concert for the ex's birthday.

I don't normally give a fuck if my SOs hang out with exes. My last boyfriend was best friends with his ex, and they hung out all the time, and the three of us hung out. . . fine. And my girlfriend has another ex from back in the day who she's friends with, and they talk, and we actually went down and stayed with her in Cali a while back. Totally, totally fine.

But THIS ex is trouble. She's totally not over my girlfriend, and she's very smart, and very manipulative. And she hates me, and has taken every chance she could get to badmouth me in these really incredibly obnoxious passive-aggressive ways.

I'm confident that my girlfriend is over HER, but she has worked really hard to create emotional distance, and I can so easily see this nasty bitch twisting her way back in and causing more damage.

So, when my sweetie brought this up, I told her that I was uncomfortable with it, not because I thought they were going to screw around, but because I'm quite confident that the ex will do her best to wreak havoc in our lives given a chance.

She just kind of shut down around it. She clearly felt bad, but clearly wasn't interested in changing plans. And we haven't talked about it again.


What the hell do I do? You know? I don't want to be controlling. But I have this feeling like it's not so unreasonable for me to have a problem with this, or at least to expect a certain level of discussion.

But I don't know.


On top of it all, I'm quite sick at the moment and I really wish I had her company tonight, so it kinda just hurts that ANYbody else is getting to spend time with her. But that's kind of an aside.
[Edited 12/23/06 13:04pm]

Trust her or let her go. Simple as that.

It will all work out Melissa

Do you think it's more than friends situation?

It has nothing to do with trusting her. It's about not trusting her ex not to fuck with her head.

And about not feeling heard.
[Edited 12/22/06 19:02pm]

HereToRockYourWorld said:

IS it a respect issue? Do you feel that she should not hae gone against your wishes?

You've done all you can do. You were honest with her and told her that it makes you feel uncomfortable.

It's up to her to decide what she wants to do and it's up to you to decide what you want to do with her decision.

No matter what, it's gonna drive you nuts if/when they go out. Just try to remember that she is with you, knows you care for her, and that she knows that you are uncomfortable with her going but you're not controlling and telling her that you don't want her to go.

It's really out of your hands, just trust that it will all be ok, and only worry about it if anything bad happens.

Stymie said:

And you know, even if you had read my post closely enough to understand that my concern isn't infidelity, realize that it's NOT THAT SIMPLE for everybody, my friend. And it's kind of condescending to suggest that it should be.

Stymie said:

I feel like she should have taken my concerns seriously. I didn't even say "don't go". I just said I was unhappy about it. And didn't get much back. I thought mayeb she was just thinking it over, but, well, they're out right now, so . . . whatever thinking she did, if it included my feelings, I can't tell.

HereToRockYourWorld said:

You know I did not intend for my post to be condescending and I am not talking about it being a fidelity issue. I can only guess, because I do not know your girlfriend, that she feels she is strong enough to not let this chick fuck with her head. That is all that I am saying.

JustErin said:

I just don't want to see her get hurt by this person again, and I don't want to clean up the mess.

I think you're probably right. It just sucks.

Stymie said:

I'm sorry for snapping at you, honey. I'm not in a good place. Sorry.

The truth is, she's naive. And she knows it; she'll say it. From the little that she did say, I don't think it's that she trusts herself to avoid being manipulated. I think that she thinks that this person has "changed", because she's being making nice very recently.

Most of us have some experience with exes who have "changed". Eh?

HereToRockYourWorld said:

Of course you don't want to see her get hurt. You're just trying to protect her but in reality it's her deal, her thing to face. Maybe she knew she had to do this to fully move on...who knows at this point, right?

Hopefully she will open up to you about it when she is ready.

Try not to think the worst, all you can do is continue to show her how much you care about/love her and that you are there for her.

I feel like such a fucking lesbian right now, I fucking swear.

I don't need to be "heard", I need a giant "cock" to fuck me right out of believing that I have any right to be "heard".

JustErin said:

I echo everything that Erin's saying.
You've said your part, maybe ya'll can talk about it later?
I know it doesn't make this evening any easier.

HereToRockYourWorld said:

See what I've been saying?


oh, you, it'll all work out.

CarrieMpls said:

Yeah, but I'm not a dyke because of my fucking SHOES, I'm a dyke because I THINK TOO MUCH, ok?!

Dammit.


It will work out, but why does it always have to be so hard, you know? It seems like being in relationships is just a constant fucking battle to stay on an even keel.

HereToRockYourWorld said:

I'm the wrong person to ask.



In other news, I'm thinking of becoming a mail order bride. What do you think? Fun, yeah?

CarrieMpls said:

It could be pleasantly uncomplicated.

HereToRockYourWorld said:

I don't know why I didn't think of it before. I was at a party tonight and there was a mail order husband there. For real. He didn't speak much english. That's where I got the idea.

Whelp! I may be the only one here who thinks this way.....I'd be pissed. Let me explain why.

It's the ex's birthday...special occasion. DINNER???? (probably wine with dinner) CONCERT??? WTF?
Maybe I'm just not open minded enough. If the hubby pulled that shit with any of his ex wives,(2), I'd be making an appointment that day with a divorce attorney.
Hubby's 1st ex-wife who joined an Oshram, nonmaterialistic etc. would come over to the house before we married to use the swimming pool with other members of the Oshram. Hypocritical I might add. I happened to be nude on the diving board tanning my white parts one day when they came by and ran out of there like bats out of hell. Never saw them again. Put locks on all the gates shortly after. New management.
[Edited 12/22/06 22:07pm]

I understand 1000% everything in life is not Black or White. What I prefer to do, is reduce unnecessary complexities. Ex's tend to be in that category. There is indeed a reasonable involvement that needs to be maintained for the sake of children in some relationships. Birthday dinner/concert sounds too much like a date.....calling it like I see it.

people become Ex's for a reason...to be left out of the current equation. doesnt anybody believe in breathing untarnished air in their atmosphere ?

I hate going out with my ex.

My sense is that there is something about it that feels really wrong and something you both need to work through. But a word of advice, to say that the ex is going to "fuck with her head" is pretty insulting in my opinion. Your girlfriend may have boundary issues with people but she has to learn how to cope and get stronger in life when it comes determining what in her heart she wants and how she will act on it, including saying no to exes (or saying no to you). If you try to "protect" her, it will only "enable" her and meddle with her psychological process which is co-dependent and dangerous.

My ex-relationship was very troubled, but the moment a friend tried to step in and "protect" me from him, I became extremely alienated from them. Permanently. I lost a very close friend this way. They were right about my ex, but they did not respect my feelings and process around it, which was very, very delicate. You need to respect her process around this and it will probably be extremely difficult and possibly impossible. If the tension is too great, your girlfriend will realize she has to change something -- most likely stop associating with her ex if her relationship with you is more valuable to her.

But to say that her ex is going to "fuck with her head" could come off as a really demeaning statement, as if your girlfriend has no brain, no willpower, is simply milktoast. It's more complex than that. She's not a baby. The fact that she shut down around it is a sign you need to back off for the moment. It's not about you not being heard. She probably heard you just fine, but wants to follow her own desires for whatever reason. That is where the conflict comes in. Counseling for both of you might help, earlier the better.

heartbeatocean said:

Lots of complexities going on. I can only speak for myself. Being alone is better than this. I'm self supporting. Rather be by myself than this relationship. "Foot up the ass" is called for. "No, I'm not OK with the date shit and we need to re-evaluate our commitment, or lack of." Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Interesting. I'm listening.

xplnyrslf said:

I do the birthday diner/concert thing with my best friend and have done it with my ex. Sometimes, it is what it is.

Stymie said:

I'm old school.

HereToRockYourWorld said:

xplnyrslf and stymie might both be right, but the thing is-- investigate how you are feeling and exactly why you are feeling that way. Is it justified or is it your own baggage? Dig into this and discover it. Worrying about your girlfriend and trying to "protect" her or worrying that this person will "wreak havoc on your lives" are excuses to not look at your own feelings. It sounds to me like you're pissed at your girlfriend.

reading what you've told, it seems that you weren't invited, and your gf should have insisted you be included. just sayin.

purplerein said:

Yeah, except if I were going, ex wouldn't have wantd to go. 'Cause she hates me. Because I'm with her woman.

Oh, yuck.